Agreed. He is playing you. He thinks you are dumb.

I thought that it was an act at first. But having only seen him look so sad, one other time in our entire relationship I don't believe that it can be an act. I really think it's something like self pitty. I don't know.

I haven't been to the site you gave me and I am weak right now. Still discovering and having a hard time of letting go of the way I thought things were going to be.

What I feel sucks! I feel better that she is getting ready to go through what I've already been through 10x over. But I hate that I love him and he claims to love her and that he is making a spectacle out of the relationship that I put everything that I have and HAD into. And the kids....I hate what he is doing to his and my kids all because life gotta little tough!

And silly me... I still believe in him. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I believe that he needs to reach down in his inner self and go forward with his pursuit of man hood and she is a cop out! Why?

ok

You have invested into the relationship. Maybe you want to see some sort of profit. His track record is not good.

Invest in a product that has some history. Feelings are dangerous. Imagine children that will be dependent on this couple working together.

Don't feed your feelings, work on your life!

hisgirl,

I can no longer post to you because you are ignoring all the advice you are getting choosing, instead, to pursue what you think is a better course of action. Why do you post here if you don't want to take the advice you are given? It seems you are just looking for us to tell you to follow the MB principles and he will come back. I cannot support that. You are involved with a man who has no character, who has cheated on you in the past and who you think, because you turned him into your personal project, will turn from a sow's ear into a silk purse. He is emotionally unavailable and you are his Fallback Girl.

Once more, I am going to encourage you that, instead of posting here, you go to Baggage Reclaim and read there - over and over again until you see that this guy is a piece of work who will never be a silk purse, no matter how much work you put into him.

I post here because I am confused and appreciate the advice I get here. It made me feel better when I read your baggage site. I read until I ran out of things to read. But my mind is constantly going and I just come here to say it. But I get it. Maybe I will stop posting.

I am not suggesting you stop posting here, but I want you to wake up to the reality of what you are dealing with - this guy is a serial cheater - doesn't matter that he went a long time without doing so, he has done it more than once - fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. He is not interested in the same kind of "relationship" you are. He is stringing you along because it feeds his ego to have two women who want him. It makes him feel like a big man. The truth is, he has left you for another woman and you do not have enough self esteem to tell him take a hike - you chose her, go be with her, leave me alone.

You have an unhealthy connection to this man and to be honest, it's not really about him, it's about you.

He has shown you, through his actions, which way the land lies and you're seeing/hearing but you're not listening. Instead, like a drug addict, you crave the bad stuff even though you know what he is capable of.

You are drama seeking although much of that is tied up in attention seeking from him and really, it's because if you accept that the relationship is over and the truth of who he is, you will have to deal with the real issue, which is you.

You want to reach out to a man that doesn't want to be reached out to - there is nothing there - you are making far more out of him and what you had than actually existed and this is why you can't let go...of the illusion. You don't want to accept reality.

What I do know is that by accepting his poor behavior and engaging with him, he got to know enough about you to know what he could or couldn't get away with. He knows that you are not a happy woman, that you have low self-esteem, and poor relationship habits, and that's because you persisted in being with him and he knows that he is no good for you, or anyone for that matter. As you became increasingly distressed by his behaviour and the cheating he was doing, you no doubt cemented whatever he thought.

When a man tells you - either through words or actions - that the relationship is over, that he wants out, that he is disconnected and effectively says that he no longer wants to try any longer, no matter what temptation you feel, do not start chasing the guy because what he has done is told you that he is not interested and doesn't want you, which means you need to lose interest in him and recognise that if he doesn't want to be in it any longer, he is not worthy of you.

It takes a while for your self-esteem to catch up but the reality of this alone, is what should kickstart you to start grieving so that you can move on. You will not grieve if you spend your time obsessing and calculating how to get him back.

If you have to turn him into a "project," that is a sign there is something seriously wrong.

All you can do right now is quite him, cold turkey. Stop looking for attention from him and quit the drama.

Stop focusing on him - start picking up the pieces of your life and treating yourself better. Stop obsessing about why he doesn't want you - you want more than he is ever going to be able to give. He's emotionally disconnected which means he never actually wants anything for any significant period of time, and especially not a relationship that puts any demands on his emotions.

Don't be his friend - you're not friends.

The way you get through no contact is to get on with your life and take it a day at a time. You can wallow for a week or two but the time comes when you have to stop and start the grieving process so that you can move forward. Get some professional help and start to value you, value your children, value your life, instead of throwing it into the abyss of this man.

The Baggage Reclaim site is dead on because it is great support for dealing with these kinds of men. I read there EVERYDAY. I re-read the same articles over and over again because they give me the strenghth I need to deal with getting over xBF.

Yeah, I guess he knows that I love him and I always take him back. No matter what he does. When we first dated - I was not really looking for bf, we were both just having fun. And I was able to easily leave him, but when we got back together the chemistry was great and it's been all down hill from there. Me adjusting for his comfort level.


I just can not believe that he did this, I swear!


This is sooooooooooooooooo true! Do you know alot about this emotionally unavailable thing? What is it really? Is it a sickness... Don't worry, I'm not going to try and heal him, I'm just curious.

People like this die like this don't they?

FROM HIS_GIRL:
I finally realized that he doesn't love me anymore and all the brilliant ideas and plans in the world will not bring him back. This is not a low high thing for me. This is grounding. Me looking at the picture as it is without trying to alter it.

For tonight, I am not all pumped up like heres another opportunity for me to get him were I want him. I'm looking forward to it because I know that having this closure will be the beggining of my healing. I'm treading it because it is the end and the last time that I will have any contact for a long while.

I know I will still be depressed but he only makes my depression worse - I can not try to medicate myself with doses of him - he is not going to make me better.

FROM HIS_GIRL:
he never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, in his life has to worry about me calling him. Or even speaking to him on the streets.

CatPerson:

I know. I felt so strong on those days. And I think that's because I had gone so many days without him, I was hurting so bad and I knew that it was the only thing that giving up was the only thing that could take my pain away.

When I made the MISTAKE of calling on Monday evening, things took a turn for the worse (I guess). The conversation was nice, he was there on Tuesday, and he actually came back last night but I was sleep so he couldn't get in with his keys. He called me bright and early this morning to tell me thanks for locking the top lock.



I'll try to go NC again.

Brits - I'm learning about the love addict and the emotionally unavailable. Have you heard of this?

hisgirl, are you doing any therapy to learn about your self-esteem? Typically, that is the reason someone like you picks someone like him. You subconsciously feel you deserve to be treated poorly; in fact, if you meet a nice guy, you'll find something wrong with him and dump him, because he makes you feel worse! When you meet a POS like your guy, every time he trashes you or treats you like dirt, your inner voice says 'yes! that's right! you're worthless! he is spot on! you deserve to be cheated on! keep it coming!'

I have a great book for you to read. It's called Healing the Shame That Binds You. It was extremely helpful for me.

hisgirl,

Yes, unfortunately, I know VERY much about emotionally unavailable men (EUM)as most of my relationships have been with EUM's. Emotional Unavailability (EU) is what Baggage Reclaim is ALL about - the ENTIRE site. The articles there and the e-book available on that site - Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl all explain EU and help women cope with the aftermath of having been involved with one or more of these men. The site is also helping me regain my self esteem and realize that nothing I said or did would have changed the outcome of my situations because of the men "I CHOSE" to be involved with.

If you want to learn about EU in a way that will help you, that site is the answer. It is not going to tell you how to deal with your EUM or how to get him back or make him emotionally available. Its going to help YOU deal with moving past this, healing yourself.

Interestingly, since reading on that site, I have sought out more books on the subject to help me heal my relationship patterns. On one well known online book store, I found a book and looked at its reviews. Its likely pure coincidence, but one of the readers who reviewed the book and several others on the subject had the first name of xBF's XW - not all that common a first name - listed her location as the same city in which we live and was dated right at the time their divorce was final 5 years ago!

PLEASE go to Baggage Reclaim and read there - it will give you the strength to do what it is you need to do - you know in your heart what that is. STOP finding reasons/excuses not to take the bull by the horns and cut this AC (if you read on Baggage Reclaim, you'll find out what that stand for) out of your life. YOU DO KNOW THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOUR OWN SELF ESTEEM, SELF WORTH AND EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL, DON'T YOU?

Like you, Brits_Brat, I have the same frustration with this woman's unwillingness to do the ONLY thing that will help her. All the advice...ignored. She can't seem to help herself.

There's nothing more I can say to help, so I'm pulling out.

hisgirl...PLEASE get professional help. You cannot do this on your own.

CatPerson -

To be honest with u I don't know what the He77 is wrong with me. I thought that I had good self esteem. Never had problems with men (so I thought). Haven't had my heart broken much, but have broken many hearts. I'm thinking it's some type of control thing. This was not my decision. This was his. Maybe I'm obsessed with having my way. I know that I don't love like this often, but when I do, I love really hard. And I think that I am the greatest person in the world. The best thing that ever happen to all of them. But when he leaves like this - It makes me think Oh, I am not all of that. I must be a really screwed up person. And it is the fact that I have anger issues that makes me want to take the blame. I feel like he left me because of my angry outburst. A patern of pushing men to the limit - where they have to beg me to stop and I just keep going

I am listening! And I am trying to figure out why this is so difficult for me. I am trying to apply the advice. I know it needs to be more cut and dry but it is hard.

Now to top it off, I'm getting over him, I have low self esteem, I'm crazy, I need help and OMG. I'm just trying to sort all of this stuff out.

I am not trying to be a jerk.



Yes, I know that I don't break this I will be going through this with him for a long time. It is my job to leave, he's never going to completely give up on me because I have always been there for him, and I will always have something to offer and I've never given up on him (fallback I guess)

Go get professional help - Yeah, I can see myself going into the nearest mental clinic saying I'm having a really hard time letting go of my x and I think I'm addicted. Just seems strange.

No, its not at all strange. Both I and many many many others are in counseling for exactly the same reason. Are you in the US? If so, you want to find a psychologist. They deal with these issues day in and day out. We are not alone in this - there are many others out there. If you don't feel comfortable seeing a counselor, go and read on Baggage Reclaim and engage Natalie's (the blog owner's) coaching services by phone. They're less expensive ($75/hour) than a psychologist and she willl truly hold your feet to the fire.

People go to mental health professionals all the time to correct THINKING ERRORS.

Being the person in charge can very much be a result of low self-esteem. I really advise finding a psychologist. And reading.

Can you explain your childhood in more detail?

I was a happy child. I think. My mother yelled, was in control (I have her personality) My father (seperated) but I never remember them being together but he was there for me (I guess). I remember him in my life (my mother and him are the best of friends) I have a step father who is great. I liked my fathers' dicipline (by way of explaining to me why what I did was wrong) and hated my mothers which was control. I had an abusive older brother (we used to fight alot) but nothing to abnormal (he's an alcoholic/drug addict that was in and out of the home alot from age 15). I hate what he does but we love each other. And when my mom went to visit him last week he actually cried about the news. My dad dated strange, young women, that didn't really love him - but he worshiped them. I guess that was ok. there where many. I think he dated EUW. I never wanted for anything. I don't remember being unhappy. I know with men, I've always wanted to take care of them and make them better and perhaps I don't have interest in men that don't need nurturing. Why?

Because you are shaped by your childhood. Your brain creates patterns of behavior based on what worked then, what gave you good feelings, what gave you bad feelings. Those actions you took as a child to get you what you wanted, they're kind of like a rut through a field - if you walk it enough, it becomes a trail, and it's easier to follow that trail than to create a new path through the weeds. Your brain hardwires what 'works' for you, and you keep using those actions as an adult, even if you no longer face the same situation and even if it's the wrong response at this point.

So it helps to determine why you, say, retreated to your bedroom when your mom started yelling to get what she wants; as an adult, that may translate into you avoiding conflict when H yells - it's all you know.

And you grew up watching your dad, whom you loved dearly, go through a lifelong series of screwed up relationships; you hurt for him, you wished he was with your mom, you wished you could teach him how to pick better women...so today you seek out other men like your dad, who need 'saved' so you can save them when you couldn't save your dad, which would have given you immense pleasure. You're still seeking that pleasure.

You also got that need out of your brother.

That's the kind of thing you can learn to recognize through a counselor. Once you recognize your patterns, you can change them, replace them with better ones that are more appropriate for an adult.