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Joined: Apr 2009
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My husband and I have been married just over a year. It was a whirlwind leading up to the wedding: I just graduated college, he went to Officer School for the USAF, we moved to our first duty station across the country....we made it through all that and NOW we're struggling.

I don't feel as though he appreciates the things I do/have done for him. I put off going to law school in order to follow him to our first duty station, I've played the part of the "Officer Wife" by joining clubs, organizations, etc., I keep a clean house, always make sure there's food on the table AND I work full time!!!!

When I try to tell him I'm not satisfied/getting the appreciation or attention I need/want - he gets angry. I feel that we have had the SAME argument 100 times with nothing ever coming out of it or changing.

I'm at my wits end. I do not want my marriage to end in divorce, but I feel that my husband is not making an effort to make ME happy. I feel that everything is always about HIM and HIS career....

PLEASE HELP, what can I do?!

Joined: Oct 2007
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Find a law school near his post and start getting your degree. Then your resentment at him will abate, and your relationship will improve.

Also, find the info here about Love Busters and learn it and start practicing it. It will help a lot.

Joined: Oct 2008
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How specific are you being when requesting that he fulfill your need for appreciation and attention? I've found that guys need concrete guidance in these situations.

"I need more attention" is met with dull stares, right? It's like speaking a foreign language. Try: "When we go out, I really like it when you take my hand. Would you do that more often for me?" Note: it's not, "You never hold my hand! Why don't you do that?" You have to win them in by praising something they do right and asking for more of that, even if he only held your hand once, at the alter, lol.

Demanding that someone appreciate the sacrifices you've made is useless. The trick is to only make the sacrifices that you want to make out of love. Then you don't need appreciation. If you're feeling resentful because you put off school, then stop doing that, and go to school. If you're feeling resentful because you work full time and still take care of the household and 'play the part' of Officer's Wife, then drop the things that make you feel the most resentful. Tell your husband that you want to shift some things around in your life so that you won't feel resentful, and show him the plan you've come up with; dropping to PT work so you can attend school, dropping this-or-that organization to free up time for study, the household chores you're enthusiastic about continuing and those that you want to pass on to someone else (him or hired help). Ask him how he feels about your plan, is there anything that you want to drop that is important to him? Like say one organization is important to him, and it's the one you thought you'd drop. You could reconsider shifting that one back into your schedule and dropping something else instead.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Apr 2009
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Thank you so much for your responses! You are right "canwemakeit", I guess I'm not being as specific about these needs as I should be. Because you called it, I get the blank stare back...hehe. I will try to specifically lay my hopes/expectations to my husband.

As far as being "resentful" of my decisions - I guess I never really thought that RESENTFUL was the way I've been feeling, but I suppose you're both right. People make sacrifices for their marriage all the time right? I don't know if I expected a gold medal or what....

I am going to re-evaluate the things I have been doing or have been involved with and make sure that I'm getting some sort of satisfaction out of them as well.

I can't thank you enough for your replies! I truly respect and appreciate your advice - after all, I'm still learning.

Joined: Nov 2008
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A lot of that sounds pretty typical.. i mean that to be encouraging.

I got stuck in resentment in my marriage, and it's not fun. Things improved once I started to take steps to improve my situation, and stop blaming it on him. It's like I felt like I was just being 'absorbed' into his life, his career, his friends, his decisions.... I had to start making my life what I wanted it to be, and stop making him a barrier, or expecting him to make the changes for me.

We had a whirlwind romance too... I had to work through serious doubts about my decision to marry also, which was hard.

You're right, you're still learning! Me too.


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