I know some of y'all live in Texas and have been through divorce, so I was hoping to get some details regarding joint custody in Texas.

As it stands right now, my W had agreed to an every other weekend thing, and I get one night a week. The thing is though, it hasn't been operationg like that. I am involved with practices for the kids, staying at home when they are sick, etc. I am in contact with W regarding the kids on a daily basis. At the same time though, I often feel like I don't really know all that's going in their lives, and I don't like that feeling.

So I'm thinking it would be better if I got an extra day or two a week, which sounds pretty much like joint custody to me.

Also, I am concerned about how things will change when one of us gets married again. Will there be a struggle with 'new Dad' taking more of a role? If I get married, I want to make sure there is no pressure to devote more of myself to my new life at the expense of my kids.

I imagine there is a money aspect to this as well, and I really don't want that to be the issue.

My plan is to talk it over with my W first, avoiding the cost and headache of involving lawyers, and put some MB principles in force. My goal isn't to take my kids away from their mom, but for what's best for me and the kids.

Joint Custody is a separate issue from parenting time. Joint Custody has to do with who gets to make important decisions about the child such as where do they live, church, school, medical care.

The parenting time decision is about how often the child stays with you.

One could have joint custody and not have 50/50 parenting time.

Make sure you are negotiation for joint custody AND as much parenting time as you can possibly get.

Does that apply in Texas as well? I am less concerned about decision making, but I don't see why it wouldn't be good to do that. W and I have always been in agreement on these things, or worked it out. Can't hurt to have that in writing though.


Do you know how parenting time is outlined? It's my understanding that their certain packages in Texas that simplify things.

I can't really help on TX specifics. Just helping to define terms, so you can make decisions based on your understanding of those terms.

In Texas, joint custody is the default, with the mother typically serving as the primary custodian. It sucks, but that's the law as it stands now. What this means is that she gets to determine things like their primary address, what school they attend, etc... It also means that she'll receive the state mandated CS. And here's what really sucks... You will pay the mandated CS regardless of how much time you have with them. The state will not prorate the amount, even if you get more alloted time with the kids.

Standard Possession in Texas gives the father 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends per month, beginning on Thurs night, and ending on Sunday evening. Fathers also get every 2nd and 4th Thurs overnight.

Then there's scheduling for summer, holidays, b-days, etc... I won't get into all of that because it's complicated. There are a ton of websites that outline it.

My schedule is somewhat modified from that. I get my kids all the way through Mon morning, instead of just Sun evening. Effectively and extra overnight on my weekends with them.

Now, even though she will be the primary, she still has to notify you of ALL academic and medical issues re the kids. Every doctor visit, every school event, etc... She has to notify you on and provide copies of all paperwork. She doesn't need your permission, but she does have to let you know about it.

Conversely, you don't need her permission to take the kids in for any sort of medical treatment (either mental or physical), nor do you need her permission for getting a babysitter or arranging alternative care while they're in your custody.

As far as how the kids relate to a potential new spouse, I suggest that put those concerns on the shelf for now. You're getting way ahead of yourself. I know how stressful it can be to imagine them getting involved with a "new dad", and there's a lot of "family" movies that aggravate those fears. I had them as well.

With a little time and distance, those fears start to subside. I know that my XW is hurting a little bit watching my kids develop a bond with my fiancee. I have been trying to reassure her that no one is trying to replace her, I'm not looking to replace their mother, and that the kids know she is still no 1. My DD7 wants to call her STBSM, "mae" (pronounced like "my"). It's the Portuguese term for "mom" because she doesn't feel comfortable just calling her by her name. Again, that was DD's idea. And again, her mother is a little upset over it. I think with time, she will see that the kids' impression of her won't change or diminish. Love isn't a zero sum equation - it increases exponentially and can be limitless. I expect I will feel the same heartburn when the XW meets her future SO or H. I will struggle and watch with worry and suspicion at my kids' burgeoning relationship with the new man in the life. I will reinforce my boundaries, and be grateful (I hope) that they have a kind and gentle man in their lives who can add some value.

And if he ever steps out of line, I'll put a bullet in him.

Thanks Seabird, you've alleviated most of my concerns. Standard possession is what we have agreed upon already, and it seems that really is enough time to remain involved.

I think I understood the other information already, I just needed it laid out again to get some comfort. The prorated CS was something I was thinking about as well....the answer sucks, but I can live with it.

Yea, I knew I was thinking about the new SO issue way too early, but I just wanted to make sure I had my rights in place. I have some experience in this already, being that I'm not the biological father (BF) for DS8, and have taken on the role that I don't want some other guy to do for my other two. BF has been involved in very little, and has been pretty much the fun Dad only. I won't let that happen.


Follow question, how do you handle expenses for the kids, such as clothes, toys, sign-up fees, etc.? I'm finding that I'm paying for a signficant amount. I don't want to worry about small amounts, but when we get over $100 a month, it should be considered since I'm already paying CS. It's not an issue now since we are still married, but I can set it becoming an issue. I doubt my W will think to compensate me for anything I pay for on the kids behalf.

That's what CS is for. Throughout the divorce process which the better part of a year, I tried and tried and tried to get the XW to negotiate CS with me. She steadfastly refused and stated each time, "This is what the state says I can have, and I'm not going to discuss it anymore.".

Then she tried coming to me for help with additional expenses. I told her no. The CS covers their clothing, gifts for b-day parties, school supplies, toys, and any other activities they're involved in. I pay for their food while they're in my custody of course, and I also pay for baby sitting and daycare when I have them as well. Otherwise, I call or email their mother and state what I need them to bring to my house in the way of clothes, toys, or related supplies. That's the law and you can seek legal recourse.

Be careful discussing that issue here btw. There are a few single moms in this forum and the post-D forum who came after me pretty aggressively. I think they couldn't see past their own personal experiences and at times treated me as though I was their own XH. It was like they wanted to seem me pay not only the full kit in CS, but also all of their daycare and school tuition, plus any extras that their mom claimed to need. That she always had new clothes, colored hair, and salon manicured nails was irrelevant. She deserved to get as much from me as should could "for the children".

Something else that royally sucks is that the primary custodian gets to claim the children on their taxes. Despite all the money I pay in CS, and what I spend when they're with me, I don't get to deduct one red cent.

As for the new SO, I think your best protection is just to remain available and active in their lives. The kids won't -need- to bond with a new man as long as they know you're around and available.

That said, you might want to work in some protections w/re to your step-son. If you're paying CS for him, make sure you have every right to be in his life as though you are the BF.

Yea, I figured that was the case with CS, but would be difficult to enforce. I would really like to just keep tabs on what I've spent on the kids, and deduct it from CS, but that won't fly. Even if W agrees, it could come back to haunt me legally.

As for what amount of money is fair, I tend to think that the wage, the credit score etc are a part of the H (and vice versa). It's something a W gets when she marries H, and loses when W divorces H. You cannot choice to keep the parts of H you like and throw out the parts you don't like. When H becomes a father, the kids get all of the him forever.

As for step-son, he isn't a part of this at all and I won't be a legal guardian after the divorce. I have no idea what to do about this. For the most part he decides where he wants to go and when, but I don't know that that is good for an 8 year old to decide. He only opts to spend time with me when he knows something fun is planned. Disciplining him is difficult because of the situation. And looking ahead again, how difficult will it be if he ever has 3 Dads? I guess I have subconsciously taken a step back and have become more of a role model or very active uncle then a step-dad.

Deductibility of the child IS negotiable. I claim my child, even though she spends most of her time with her mother.

Get that written into the divorce agreement and get her to sign IRS form 8332, http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f8332.pdf

The form can be filled out for multiple years.

EE - Everything is negotiable if you want to look at it like that. But the primary custodian having the first right to claim is statutory law. Unless dkd has something she wants, there is no reason she would give that right up.

dkd - A new marriage for the XW will have NO bearing on your CS. The children are your responsibility, not his. The only thing that would be impacted is if she requested and won alimony or spousal support.

Do NOT try and monkey around with the CS. Do you understand me? That money must go through the state first and they maintain the record of payments. Even if your XW explicitly states that you don't have to pay as much one month for whatever reason, you can still go to jail. The state doesn't care. If you pay something over and above and she owes you for it, then she needs to give you money back. DO NOT TRY TO WITHHOLD CS FOR ANY REASON!!!

A friend of mine almost got totally screwed a few years ago. He divorced his wife, and they lived separately at the time. After a couple of years, they reconciled and moved it together. She even got pregnant with their second child. He was self-employed and stopped paying her CS. They were a family unit, so that's reasonable, right? After 2 years, she left him again, and tried to sue him for two years of unpaid child support. The state threatened to jail him and charge interest. And if that's not enough, he would have continued to accrue interest on the unpaid debt while in jail.

He was finally able to produce witnesses (old neighbors) who testified that they did indeed live with each other during that period. She was basically lying, saying that they never reconciled.

You play this one by The Book, dkd. Seriously.

Thanks again Seabird. I knew that CS will still be required even if XW remarried. I used to get those checks for DS8. But, I also didn't exactly want them either for pride reasons, and we didn't make an issue when they didn't come in for a particularly bad month for BF.

I was thinking that some sort of college fund would be created, and if ever CS wasn't wanted by XW, then she could place the money in this fund. I had not considered what would happen during reconciliation. I suppose I'd insist that CS be paid, even if it was funneled back into a joint account or something.

Even if you guys were to reconcile and remarry, paperwork would have to be filed with and approved by the state of Texas.

You don't get what you don't ask/negotiate for. It doesn't hurt to try.

One can even do the calculations and see if paying even a bit MORE CS than the law requires in exchange for the deduction is a good deal for both.

If mom is in the 10% tax bracket, and dad in the 28% bracket, he can offer more CS in exchange for that annual deduction, making more money available to both parties in the divorce.

It makes no financial sense to let the one with the lower tax bracket avoid 10% taxes when the higher wage earning spouse could offer even more CS in exchange for getting to claim the child each year.

Situations vary, so you have to run the numbers, figure on tax credits, etc to see what is the best deal for you and the child.

That's a good point. In my case, their mother and I had about the same income, so I really didn't have anything to negotiate with.