Thanks for the tip, b_r. But if H has another commitment, I'm doing the Donny & Marie show. 'Cuz I'm a little bit country AND a little bit rock 'n roll.

I am so far behind and haven't got a lot of time but I wanted to stop in and say WELL DONE!!! So good that your H said that to you, L4.

Happy dance all around! ((hug))

L4,

I would definitely not ask if he meant it. I would tell him how much it meant to you to hear it. Asking if he meant to say it is insulting and needy. Saying that it put a smile on your face for the whole day just lets him know that you care.

Just sprinkling some hearts and warm sunshine here, for ya.

(((L4)))

L4, please keep focused on your recovery so you don't get derailed. V's insticts were right on.

How was Vegas?

Thank you Spakorama and b_r. Vegas is fine. I've seen H very little as was known going into this. Tuesday night I got in at 7, had dinner and watched games in the sports book by myself (sat with another woman who was there waiting for her friend), walked around the Venetian and Palazzo shops (who has that much money?) then in bed by 11. H home after midnight. Yesterday I had lunch with my former boss and associate who have hired me to do some contract work. They were also in town for the show. I walked the conference and when H was done, we went back to the hotel, grabbed a sandwich and nachos for dinner, then back to the room. He was exhausted and asleep by 9:30. So it's not been high-rollin' adventure for us.

He'll be back here at 12noon then we'll get a few hours together this afternoon before our late flight.

H learned yesterday that as part of some re-org in his company, he may be offered the chance to move to Northridge, CA or Denver, CO. He asked kind of in passing how I'd feel about moving. I said if it's what you need to do, I'm open to it. I can do my work from anywhere. But as the night wore on, he kept making comments about the two cities. Finally I asked, "What are you thinking about all of this? Are you serious about pursuing these cities?" He paused a long long time then said, "I don't know."

I don't want to jump the gun here, but I was up thinking on it all last night. We moved back to the PNW 6 years ago to be nearer to our aging parents. I gave up a big money job to do so -- I thought this was a top priority for us, something he wanted even more than I did. So for him to be throwing out moving away, is odd. The biggest part of me wants to go with him and I know I need to, but there's that part of me that is saying, "So what if we move, he finally decides that he has made a decision about us, and that decision is that he wants a D? Then where will I be? Stuck in Denver or Northridge (because I would not take the kids away from H) with no family support?" Again it's early and we haven't even been asked to move, but this is how my mind works -- always preparing for various known scenarios. So would I have any right to say no to moving unless he commits to working on our marriage? Or do I go because I owe it to him for my transgressions and keep working hard and hope it all works out?

I have been able to re-read parts of Lovebusters while in this fancy suite. And it's really got me to thinking about a lot of stuff as to how H and I relate to each other. Things that are probably too early to get hung up on as we're still trying to help H heal. Maybe as I continue to digest and apply the book, I'll share with y'all to get your feedback on what's happening in my head.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm here for H. I'm glad I came. Maybe this afternoon we'll get time together that I've been wanting.

L4, don't jump the gun. You could become your worst enemy by thinking this.

Focus on the buyer.


Please, please don't get derailed like black raven said on your R.

I'd say to not snoop on other threads right now, but I'm sure it's too late.

Enjoy your time with Hubby.

So many of us are thinking of you and wishing you well.

Got it. Will do.


Aw... Shucks. Thank you. Off for some fun now!

L4

Was this former boss you had lunch with connected to the employer where you met and had PA with your OM? If so, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, very bad idea.

Tell me I'm mistaken or misunderstood. Because if I'm right, I can't believe you would risk contact with someone associated with your OM.

Tell me I'm mistaken. Please.

This.

Not because you have to forever be punished and have no say in your marriage. But it's my opinion that you're too early in recovery to have any negotiating currency. Also, as a Christian wife, it's also my opinion that you defer to your husband in matters of where the family lives.

There needs to be POJA discussion on this, but I believe the decision should be weighted in favor of your betrayed husband.

And what if he wants to know that you are willing to follow him wherever he goes and are really a buyer now? Saying "I can't go there because I don't want to end up alone in those places" might help him decide. Is that the decision you want him to make?

He asked, L4. Why would he ask? Do you think considering your feelings in his choices about the future means he is setting you up?

Within a couple months of D-day we began to look into moving out of state. I felt like I now had the leverage to go where I wanted to go. I decided not to go because I was not certain that I would decide to remain together and end up alone with no support structure for when I filed for D (plus, I might get better terms here than where we were looking to move).

In retrospect, if we had moved we might now be losing our house since where we are the economy is bad, but where we would have moved it is really awful right now and we'd both be the new kids at our jobs instead of the last to go when crunch time comes along.

Do you trust God to take care of you? Do you believe Jeremiah 29:11? "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper and not to harm you: plans to give you hope and a future." What would you do if you trusted Him and believed what he said?

We see what we focus on, nothing more and nothing less.

Why aren't you having fun instead of worrying about next year? Worry is nothing more than the interest we pay on unbelief.

Mark

L4,

I agree with Mark's sentiments. I think your H is considering opening up to you. Look at the tests he has been giving you. He said ILY (I hope you acknowledged that it meant something to you). He is including you in plans and even asking for opinions.

Seems like he's opening the door for you, but cautiously.

I can't. Because you're correct, ottert. This is the contract work that I told y'all about on 3/31. Lunch was with the Exec. VP and the Director of Operations of the company I used to work for and they have work they need help with. H and I discussed it at length before I agreed and H said he wanted me to do it. Maybe he's changed his mind since then, but he hasn't alluded to it in anyway (and I've also asked) and in fact he's been asking when the checks are going to start rolling in. The FOM has not worked for the company since last July. I explained it before here and I didn't hear concerns from any MB folks.

Did I mess up here even though it was full POJA with H? I've signed the contract and have received my government clearance since I talked about it here.

FWIW, the first thing I told H when he alluded to moving was I will go with him wherever he needs to go. I am open to anything. And I meant it. The concerns I shared here are what were in my head after he was asleep and my crazy mind started thinking up things into the late evening hours.

I am a buyer. And I remain so. Thank you, V, Mark, and 6YL.

H is still unsure he wants to stay with me. He told me as much yesterday. The time in Vegas ended up not being as good as I had hoped.

I feel like I can't do anything right.

I do trust God and I do believe. But I have to admit, that at this very moment, I feel lost. Maybe that's part of the plan.

Me too.

I'm sorry I missed that discussion. I guess it's okay if your husband enthusiastically agreed to it. Still, I thought NC meant removing any and all things associated with OM out of your life, FOREVER. That would include former co-workers. I think this could fall into the area of Extraordinary Precautions. Maybe some MB vets could chime in on this.

Have any of these people brought OM's name up or mentioned your relationship with him in any way, shape or form? Though he no longer works there, are they still friends with him and do they associate with him? Does your interaction with them bring up memories of OM or bring him to mind in any way? Even a fleeting thought? If so, then my fears were well-founded.

L4

I thought of you a little while ago concerning the discussion with your hubby and the possible move and respecting him and deferring to him. It was strange that this triggered thoughts of you and your situation, but as I was riding in my truck earlier today, Gladys Knight was singing "Midnight Train to Georgia." This may sound silly, but I choked up as she sang and I thought about you and your situation, and mine as well. It's just a song, and I guess we shouldn't take our counsel from the lyrics to a sentimental pop song, but this really affected me emotionally. I thought to myself "Wow, to have a woman be so devoted to me, and to love and respect me that way."

I'll let Gladys say it for me in this one line:

"I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine."

L4:

I wanted to look at this:


Oh? Why?

Lower your expectation gap. You wanted to have a Rah-Rah time in Vegas... That's what the Ad's say, right? You ended up spending most of the time in the hotel room, alone.

BIG expectation gap there.

Could your H move the family to BFE and then up and leave? Sure. He could stay put and do the same thing. Life is a crap-shoot. Should you talk to him and discuss the move of your family? And you should have an equal voice in that? Certainly. Does the fact that you had an A negate your ability to have a say in future matters? No. Should certain actions take place and be at your H's discretion and majority opinion because you had a A? Yes. But moving the family without any input from you? No.

Your doing MUCH that is right. Nobody's perfect. And if you expect that everything you do has to be perfect, then you will NEVER do anything. H ain't perfect either. Your learning about yourself and relationships here is ways you never expected. And that will help you to get to place that is righter..

LG

L4,

I wanted to offer some support. I know everything wasn't great but you H is moving forward. Look at where you were just a few weeks ago.

He is testing you, that is to be expected. He can't trust what you say because he knows you can deceive him, so he is testing.