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Hisgirl...you used a child to relay messages to OW? That's pretty dispicable, wouldn't you agree? The child did not know... Oh well.

I am a FWW and I think about OM's BS daily too. Not in a bad way--just thinking about how awfully she must feel and I feel terrible about my part in this cesspool of a mess that I participated in. And, I feel terribly about how she must be hurting these days.

I am about 8 months past d-day and my BS and I are doing fairly well and I hope that they are doing well too. We can not reverse our actions of the past but we can control our actions in the present and in the future.

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No, you cannot erase the past but do you really "get" what you did to your spouse and your OM's Bw. Did you think that you were "in love"? Did you ever meet or talk to your OM's wife?


Me: BW 36
FWH: 35
2 kids (4 yrs and 11 mos)
Dday #1 4/06
Dday #2 10/07
NC 3/08
In recovery
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Originally Posted by ashes73
No, you cannot erase the past but do you really "get" what you did to your spouse and your OM's Bw. Did you think that you were "in love"? Did you ever meet or talk to your OM's wife?

All WS better think they are in love to cause that much pain.

DUDE

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Originally Posted by dawn012365
Hisgirl...you used a child to relay messages to OW? That's pretty dispicable, wouldn't you agree? The child did not know... Oh well.

Maybe I'm an odd one but I don't see relaying a "Hi" from Mrs. X as a big deal.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Ashes,
I understand where your at - I was there two years ago. Look at it this way - you and only you are continuing to victimize yourself by pursuing thoughts of OW - why do you want to bring yourself down to her level. She made you feel a certain way and by you continuing to give her the time of day you are allowing her to victimize you still. It's a chain that you have chosen to carry around - only you can break that chain by letting go of her - release her to God's hands. Tell yourself "OW I will no longer be chained to you with my anger, today I release you to God's hand for your sins." The best revenge is the relationship you build with your H - focus on that.

GG


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Ashes73--YES...I do "get it". I thought that was what I was saying but maybe not. I do understand now all the repercussions and hurt that was caused by my participation. It took some time for me to understand that but I do. Of course I thought I was "in love" at the time and yes I had confrontations with her. I tried to call her to apologize to her the day after d-day but she wouldn't talk to me.

Dude--I'm not sure that ALL WS's understand but I do.

Blackraven--all I was saying was that children are innocent bystanders in the messes created by their adult parents and should be left out of any and all "communications". Regardless of if it is only a "hi". The adult sender understands and the adult receiver understand but the child is innocent. Kind of like divorced/divorcing parents relaying messages through the kids. Just wrong.


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Neak:

" Her husband, if he is in the category of the majority of WS's, temporarily set aside his value system and moral fiber in order to justify the crime he was committing. As did mine."

We are in agreement. You did an excellent job of defining what I would call "weakness of character."

A person of strong character would not set aside his value ssytem and moral fiber in order to justify the crime he was commiting.

Cherished

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A large part of post traumatic stress disorder is due to the intrusion of unwelcome thoughts which are triggered by any thing and every thing connected to the a and the OW.

This happens randomly and unexpectedly at any time and it is very hard if not impossible to control the part of the brain that is making these connections.For me the idea of actively pursuing these thoughts is impossible since the thoughts come whether you like it or not

I believe that the trauma causes significant alterations to brain function and is emotionally extremely painful to the sufferer.My OW took up residence in my head without my permission

All can say is that it takes time and gradually the thoughts, although they might be there,fade in their intensity and their capacity to cause distress.

For example the other day I read the word Thursday and my brain made the connection to the a. My h had told me that the a began, after several months of preliminaries, with a lunch date and then a walk in the park. As they sat down on a park bench he asked "When are you going to sleep with me"she immediately replied" How about next Thursday."

This was a very powerful image after d day but now some years later it has lost its power to cause distress.


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Cherished, I don't want to totally T/J this thread, so I'm moving this onto another thread. smile


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I think what you are experiencing may be a bit primal, too. Your OW threatened your family. ... And it is much easier for our minds to dwell on the OW as the threat, and not our own husband. [/quote]

OH MY GOODNESS! RIGHT ON!
This is a HUGE issue I see on MB. I wonder why there seems to be "hatred and public stoning" of the OW or OM-- while we preach forgiveness and "NO LB-ing" the WS. (At least to begin)

It seems like no newsflash to point out that the WS is the single person in this formula who opened the "gates of hell" on the M. True, everyone in this situation has a role to play-
BUT
The BS did not make the choice (nor can they stop the choice) for a WS to have an A--
Hello, the OW does not force a physical affair-- that is the final choice of the WS.

Yes, OW or OM are selflish <and dumb and ugly...>

But it is not good to focus this much hatred on any thing or anyone. I think it ADDS to the PTSD and anxiety a BS has to deal with.
Someone wrote in a tag line (something like)..
"Revenge/hatred is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die."

But this is my personal opinion, but I'd like to hear what the vets have to say (and Dr.H) about obsessing about the OW/OM..



Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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This is the voice of experience talking. I think this is a great post.
--------------------

Trying to be of help, Art Theray offers GREAT THINGS in the area of forgivness (self, past and present)
There are lots of books on the market, if you can not afford a therapist.
You do not have to be able to draw to do it well. In fact, beginners with no experience have the easiest time!

In fact, Art Therapy works best with physical pain, past abuse, and forgiveness. It helps draw out and make connections for conflicts that you may not even be concious of.

If anyone would like, I'll look up the book I just finished (she was on Oprah, I think) and you can try.

Last edited by barbiecat; 04/23/09 08:00 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Last night I was reading at another site and had to laugh at some of the more creative things BSs had done to rid themselves of the OP.

One BW printed off a photo of OW, put it in the toilet, did her business on it and then flushed it down the toilet. rotflmao I think she did this a few times or whenever she was angry.

Another BW printed off a photo of OW, ripped it into shreds and threw it in the trash.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Some of these responses are great. My husband isn't having an affair but he recently entered a weird "friendship" with someone who we met at Christmas party. If any of you have seen the thread I started, you would know that he is being pursued by an 18-year-old who can't stop worshipping him.
After she approached me at my house on Easter, I began to get worried that things might escalate into an ugly situation. I wish I had a picture of her so that I could rip it up or burn it whenever I got mad.

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RV, we also know from reading your thread that your H has no obvious boundaries (personal emails with an 18 year old) and that you allow that type of behavior from him and that you refuse to do any type of exposure--at least that you have told us about.
I would be greatly considering protecting myself and my family from a stalker that digs through your garbage...

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Ashes,

Your anger at the OW is a coping mechanism and a safety valve for the anger you still feel towards your WH. When I first arrived here I was seething about the OM in my situation until some very smart people pointed out the subconscious game I was playing AND nurturing within myself. The truth of the matter is that ALL OP's are replaceable, interchangeable and faceless. They are merely life support systems for a set of gonads and giving them any more power than that just keeps you enmeshed, immovable, indignant and exhausted. Your righteous anger belongs with your WH and no one else. I would venture to guess that you can not renew your M while still carrying such hostility towards that succubus.

You are giving her way more power than she deserves over your life.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Ashes, what everyone is saying is very wise and helpful. The only thing that I can add, is that as a person who tends towards the anxious, I had to actually go on anti-anxiety medicine to help with the intrusive thoughts. Even in the midst of where I currently am, I no longer have to take them as often, but, boy did they help calm those pressured thoughts! It gave my brain a chance to take in all the helpful things everyone was saying. Not that I still don't go backwards (see my latest update), but most days are far more peaceful than they were 6 months ago. Hang in there...


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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I am new hear but I totally know what you are going through. When I went on vacation, my husband somehow developed a friendship with his nephew's wife. She became really attached..constantly calling and texting, etc. When it was all over, I still couldn't stop thinking about her. Even now, it drives me insane. It is very difficult to put out of the mind.

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