Been a long few weeks - thought we were making progress and then of course NEW info came out - I thought that we were being honest - keep telling him is that all? is that all?

And now that I'm getting all the bills together more info comes out - I find charges more charges for stuff for her - stuff from stores that I would've liked to have gotten at least 1 thing from - 1 thing but no he spent so much money - so much money that he says we don't have - we don't have that's why he went to another woman because she was easy to talk to and there was no stress - he said he went to her because of all the stress that we were having that I swear to God I didn't know about - that I had no clue that we had all that stress about especially about the money - it's always about the money! Then he tells me some men go to other women some turn to drugs - what would I have wanted him to go too????

So I printed out the statements from a credit card that I was gonna include with the refi that I want to do on our house because even the Prez said to refi - anyhow how there were all these charges when he was in the full blown of this and then I went ballistic - I saw red - if you want to hear about LBs up the wazoo - I lost it - I lost it - called him every name in the book - I broke the window in our bedroom - broke it with my hands - as you can see I'm a little upset - have a gash on my head - there was blood everywhere but as any mother will tell you head wounds bleed the most.

I feel like giving up - this is old info I know - it was from now 2 mos ago - I don't know why I'm hurting so much except that I asked him from the stuff that I knew about was that all you bought her? and he said yes - I was resolved in that well that's all and move on Ellie just move on - sure it was a lot but just move one - well now I find out that there is more and more and more - and he still says that they didn't have sex - nope never - didn't do it - I looked at him and screamed Do you think I am an idiot - how could a man spend this much money and not be getting any... how?????? He said he didn't...I know it's just stuff but it's that he thought about her and he bought stuff for HER - he didn't buy me anything - nothing from his trip to Honolulu - nothing for our sons but for her???

I called for a poly and there is no way I can afford it - it's $ 750 plus expenses such as travel because the tester comes from a different island so that would put it to about $1000 - a $1000 - there's no way I can afford that....

So now what - what do I do? He's saying all the right things - I love you - I don't want to leave - I am staying right here - blah blah blah but I'm hurting so much - I've lost everything - my marriage...rosy perfect world that everyone looked at with such envy - I told him everyone thinks you're so perfect what will they think when they know the truth????

So now I can't eat at Zipys or Izakayas. I will never buy another Coach bag and I will sell the 2 I have - I'm sorry Hello Kitty our life long friendship is over - I will never step foot into Hollisters and the Maui Beach hotel - forget it I will never go there even for brunch. I'm gonna cut my waist length hair - here's the sick part - she knows who I am and she did her hair like me - like me!@$&*@(@&(#&( Can you believe it - I'm cutting my hair - I won't have anything similar to her at all - she even has my same eyeglasses - can you believe it???? Because she came to my work at a major dept store here in Maui...I know that I've sold stuff to her - she came in - and probably had a good laugh...at me - stupid me....

I'm sorry this is such a long disjointed rant - I'm 2 beers down and no food - going for my 3rd..

((((((dazed))))))

I know it hurts and I'm so sorry you are in such pain.

From what you have posted here it sounds like there's more that you are not privy to. A poly is expensive, but a D is more expensive. Not much consolation.

Try to take care of yourself and try to remain as calm as you can. Expressing your pain without screaming or calling names is in your best interest. I know it's SO hard.

Keep snooping.

Dazed,
I am sorry that you are in such pain. You say that he is saying all the right things...What are his actions? Is he answering all your questions? It is typical that the WS will say "I don't know" to many questions. I think that sometimes they really don't remember. Other times they are lying. Other times, they are trying to forget as they just want to go on and pretend that nothing happened. And everything in between these behaviors of "I don't know".

Try to take care of yourself and get a grip on your emotions. Don't physically hurt yourself or him. Can the two of you get away for the weekend by yourselves? Anyone to watch the kids? As you say, you have found nothing to indicate contact. It is the lies that hurt and the omission of truth. Remember that his reasons for the affair that he is telling you..the "stress" that you were having is fog babble. There were problems in your marriage before his affair and you are both fifty per cent responsible for those problems. However, he is one hundred per cent responsible for the affair. He needs to figure out how he let down boundaries and got involved with another woman. Other women vs drugs...that is just more blame shifting and justification.

Sounds like you are certain that contact has ended...right?

Again, sorry that you are in this situation. Hopefully others will come along with advise.

It sounds like you see/feel her at every turn.
Have you guys talked about moving?

Is he being dishonest or are you merely a victim of the billing cycle of the credit cards?

I ask that so you can get a handle on your emotions.

Has he spent on her since he said the affair is over? If no, then you are just getting information from past activities.

I'm sure it still hurts. But I'm asking you, if that's the case, not to treat it as if it's dishonesty or a failure to disclose information.

Furthermore, if you keep responding this way to new information, what is his incentive to be honest in the future? He will learn there is a large price to pay for honesty, and may try to withhold hurtful details in the future if your response is along these lines.

Aloha Dazed,

So sorry about your situation.
I wanted to post to let you know about a polygraph examiner here on the big island that travels often to Maui. She told me it would be about $350 for a test. Since she's often over there, maybe you could use her - M. Daniel Polygraph. I found her in the phone book, but she's on the web in some directories too.

Best of luck to you. Hang in there.

As painful as it is, you are fortunate to have the credit card information early on. Just remember that knowledge is power.

Unfortunately, I was blindsided not just by the A, but from the financial fallout. See...WH paid bills on-line (no paper bills came to the house) so I never saw the charges for the clothing or the jewelry or the hotel rooms or the hair salon. But stupid, stupid WH paid for most everything on our credit cards. And I was able to access those, but only after he left to live with OW.

But I became a pretty good PI -- found receipts in the trash bag in his truck, in a compartment in his laptop case, behind a photo in his wallet, etc.

So even though he's home and NC is in place, continue to be vigilant.

It's been another week and at least the clouds seems to be clearing. I was in such a dark and ugly place...I did end up cutting my hair - it's still in the bathroom trash - you know what's the kicker here though - I was at a big event for my sons school - saw a lot of people that I know - I'm very active on the volunteering - PTO, classroom, etc. Well, my new haircut was so well received - go figure - no one's seen me with hair this short since high school which is long time I got so many compliments - I look younger, thinner (I have lost a lot of weight recently), and as one mom put it "glamorous" - can you believe it???

Anyhow, this is where I am now - I had an appt with a MC yesterday. She was very nice - listened well and basically said a lot of what I've learned from here. She was good to talk to believe it or not - it was good to have the verbal and face to face feedback from another person that is unbiased and will be able to look from the outside to help. One of the things we touched on was my obsession with the OW which isn't healthy which I KNOW but I can't quite get past yet. Of the many things I shared with her about the OW - she said the the OW sounds like a manipulator and possibly having a borderline personality - this is just her take on it all though of course from my viewpoint and what info I have on the OW.

Where am I with my WS - he's been extremely patient this past week after my meltdown. I guess I should refer to him as a FWS right? He is doing everything right I guess - being patient - being helpful - making time to talk - he's fine with me in control of the finances which makes me feel more empowered - with control over the $$ doesn't let him carry on in secret right.

He's made the point to call me or text me sweet messages without me initiating or asking him to do it.