I am a BH that has been trying to reconcile with my WW for several months. We have had several large blowups and she even filed an injunction against me last weekend.

She let me come back home on Saturday. We have been trying this week and she had insisted that she doesn't think that our M can be saved.

She has encouraged me to "look for someone else" and also has made comments that there are 6 Billion people in the world... someone will love you like you want to be loved.

So after an evening of pleading to save the marriage and constant rejection from her, I went online and I saw an add for Match.com.

I registered to get in to look around and see what the site was about. A couple minutes after I registered I logged out because it's not for me and my wife was home.

My WW found out today that I registered on Match.com and is very upset. She said that it "shows alot how I can go from begging to save out marriage and then into another room and register for Match.com. She feels like she can't trust me ot believe anything that I say.

I honestly was just looking at the site not to see any available women.

Was I wrong? Shouldn't she let this go since it is so minor considering she had an LTA?

Thanks for your input.

Yup, you did.
Don't wander down paths that will not lead to recovery.

Jerry

I think she was just hoping to say "see you did what I did!" to alleviate her own guilty conscience.

She wanted ammo to justify her affair to herself (if you registered for match.com, why, how does she know if you're not cheating too? I'm not saying you are I'm just saying that's how she would view it).

How long have you been married? Any children? Your wife is a WW? Is she still involved? Is OM married?

Been married for 11 years. Yes, we have 2 children (7 and 10) She is a FWW. She stopped seeing the OM and yes he is married.

How long has it been since the affair was ended? Are you SURE? How do you know? Did you expose to OM's wife? How did it end? Who ended it?

Have you read the articles on this site?

You did mess up by entertaining match.com but it can be fixed. Delete your account. NOW.

So sorry you're here, but welcome.

The affair was ended 2 months ago. I'm very sure is over. Yes I did expose to the OM wife (phone conversation) My wife ended it. I truly love my wife and registering on match.com was a big mistake. I was not looking for anything and I know she is hurt. How I can get her trust?

Seriously? What about your trust towards her? What you did was dumb, but you didn't actually sleep with anyone or meet anyone's emotional needs that you met on Match.com did you? Did you just look? Or did you take it further?

Please get the book "His Needs Her Needs". It will help you rebuild your marriage. But first, has your WW been completely honest about the details involving the affair. Is she completely transparent now?

Have you read anything on this site besides the discussion board?

You my friend are being manipulated in a major way by an expert. She is doing anything she can to regain the power position in your marriage. At first she doesn't want to be married and is packing her mental bags. You go on a dating site, and all of a sudden she is the virtuous protector of your marriage. That is of course between having sex with other men. At every turn you have done the wrong thing. You have basically let her run the show.

You ask "Did I mess up". Yes. But for acting like a whupped dog around your cheating wife. Does your wife work. If she doesn't, close all joint accounts and take control back of your marriage. You need to man up if you want to save your marriage.

Lost: Here's the deal -- She "encourages" you to find someone else...yet when you do Match.com she blows up. Hmmmm



I'm guessing she is still in contact with the OM. It's just gone deep underground. Snoop her tail off.

GPS her car
key log all the computers you can
check her e-mails (and find the "secret" e-mail accounts)
Voice recorder in her car
flexispy her phone if it's smartphone
Hire a private dic to follow her

And remember, she's lost her mind. Waywards do crazy things. pick up SAA and his needs her needs and read them, FAST!

And please snoop your tail off. Confirm that the affair is really over!

YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED BIG-TIME!!

Are you familiar with the term GAS-LIGHTING?

How did you WW manage to keep YOU from your OWN HOME when SHE had the A?

And who is she to talk about trust, seeing she had a LTA?

Wake up!

So let me get this straight. Your wife was nice enough to start an affair and boff another guy. Then she filed an injunction against you and had you removed from your home? Gosh I am not sure what to say to you.

I guess I should maybe explain it like this. Why don't you throw your wife out on her butt. And go and get some stray tail on the side and tell her you will let her know If and I mean If you want to give her another chance. Just tell her it will take a lot of begging from her. ( Wait a minute this sounds way to cruel to treat anyone you love maybe you should not treat your spouse this way never mind)

What I am trying to get thru to you is see her for what she is not what you want her to be. Stop begging her for anything. I promise you that if your standards are so low you can find a lot of people to treat you like crap. Just stop begging her to treat you this way.



I agree with her. There are other women who will not heap abuse on you. Maybe you should listen to her.


I am not shocked she reacted this way. You may be a back up plan right now and she does not like for plan B to go away. I mean she has a guy that is begging her to stay with him and she had a long term affair.

My XW also said what your wife did. I had her served and told her she was right and filed and divorced her. I started dating a younger woman and my ex really regreted what she did.

Stop begging her for anything. Also I don't care what anyone else says she declared war when she restrained you from your home. You had better start opening up your eyes. She cheated and now she appears to be willing to destroy you. My advice is to grow a pair and start getting things in place in case she continues trying to take your home and kids and paycheck from you.

Stop begging. I don't advise it but she is upset because she now just realized that maybe you might move on and she won't have you as a backup plan. If she can cheat on you and remove you from your home and then you are begging her to come back home well lets just say that I want to know "Why should she take you back?" She can have you back anytime she wants?

Please get legal advice and then act like a confident man. Don't take her scraps and above all don't be a doormat.

Ya- sure it ended. Why? Cause she told you! WAKE UP DUDE!
You seriously need to get a Plan. All you've done so far is begged and pleaded. Thats the LAST thing she needs to hear!

And as for how do YOU get her to TRUST YOU? Well I won't even go there....
You obviously want to save this M so you need to start Plan A immediately! Then, you need to find out whats going on with the A. Trust me its not over. Get the GPS and all the things you were advised above.

No more match.com OK? You are not done here.

You are moving home, that is very good. You will have a great opportunity to Plan A. But you must stop this A.

Read up on Plan A and - GROW A PAIR!

Good luck

I must wholeheartedly AGREE! Let me relate to you a similar story of my own that illustrates this facade (from before I found MB and learned about this stuff):

My W separated from me (ostensibly over a fight we had) and starting seriously threating divorce. Out came all the ways I was a horrible husband and how she had been hurt and "unhappy for years"...yada, yada...you all know the drill. I was frantic to "make things right" and spent MONTHS apologizing, feeling guilty, counseling, pleading, crying, etc., etc. She would hear none of it and wouldn't come home--barely spoke to me and rarely would agree to meet to "talk" or "do anything" together. I blamed myself for everything and was blinded to what was really going on despite warning from others (I believed her when she said there "was no one else"--I asked a couple of times).

I wasn't sleeping, lost tons of weight, and was a general emotional basket case over how much I missed her, wanted to fully reconcile, and my befuddlement over why she was so resistant and cold. I could barely function and everyone I knew SAW IT. A female friend of mine at work knew the situation and had been talking with me to encourage and support me (among others). After 6 months of this emotional meat-grinder, she suggested that I get away--"come with me to San Diego this weekend to my family BBQ, you need some diversion and time away from being alone in your house". We went.

THERE WAS NOTHING REMOTELY ROMANTIC ABOUT THE TRIP EITHER WAY--IT WAS ENTIRELY INNOCENT IN DEED AND INTENTION AND RESULT. She truly was just being a "good friend" to someone who was hurting and needed to get away from the loneliness & pain of being home alone all the time. A week later she gave me a disk of some photos her family had taken at the party--a few of them were of me and her (again NON-ROMANTIC IN ANY WAY). I left the disk on the counter and went to work. Lo and behold, my W came over to our house while I was at work (after showing no interest in anything to do with us or our home for a LONG time). She saw the disk, loaded the pics onto my computer as a screen saver, and left a nasty, insulting note. I explained the whole situation (no one listening). She moved out her furniture and I found a summons for D in the mail.

Bottom line: she had been having an A ALL ALONG and KNEW that I was NOT (admitted to that a long time later). It was all pre-planned. Her "anger" at seeing the pics was definitely part of the gaslighting that went on. She had showed up with a moving truck and the divorce complaint BEFORE she ever saw the disk. As ill-advised as it might have been, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING AND WAS NOTHING BUT CYA'ing of the highest magnitude by a long-active wayward who was seraching for any rationalization she could find to run to her OM.

Yeah, yeah. I got this, too.

We had been trying off and on to get pregnant and then he just busted out with, "You should find someone else to get pregnant with while you can." Or some crap like that.

And stupid me? I felt bad for HIM!

This was BEFORE D-day, it was just one of those:

Is she still actively in an affair? Sure sounds like it.

Charlotte

Holy cow Charlotte!

And yeah, I got the 'find someone else' thing too, my version was "get a man, just dont marry the first dairy farmer you hook up with"

Short story: The match.com was a mess-up and not the wisest thing to do, but her "righteous" feigned indignation is a cover for her affair -- to throw you off balance and put the blame on you.

Some questions.

1. How did your wife get an injunction filed against you? On what basis?

2. does the OM's wife know about the affair? Has the affair been exposed to everyone?

3. have your DD's been introduced to her affair?

4. Who is protecting your daughters from your wife and her OM?

I think you should spy on your wife and find out where she has been hiding your pair then steal them back.

Seriously.

Read about love busters (link in my sig) and get rid of them yesterday. Especially angry outbursts. It is okay to disagree with your wife. It is okay to be angry with your wife. It is NOT okay to yell, cuss, throw things, hit, etc. Large blowups should never happen in a marriage. Let her yell and lose it, sure. You can't control her. But you CAN control yourself and you need to do that starting now. If you are too angry to continue a discussion in a calm rational manner, simply say so and remove yourself from the conversation.

She's either in withdrawal or she's still in the affair.


How do you know the affair is over? Sounds to me like it's ongoing.

Quit pleading.
In fact, for the time being, quit ALL relationship talk.
Focus on meeting her ENs (link in my signature). You need to be strong, attractive, and fun.

Married people don't belong there.

How stupid do you think we are? How stupid are you?
With a name like "match.com" and ads to meet the love of your life, you had to login to "see what the site was about"? Everyone reading this thread knows better, including you.

You failed to protect your marriage. Everything you do - whether surfing the internet, speaking to a co-worker, casually chatting with a stranger in the line at the grocery store... EVERYTHING you do, should be done with the knowledge that your marriage is of the utmost importance in your life. You need to practice doing everything as if your wife were looking over your shoulder. Everything you do should be weighed first with "Does this promote or harm my marriage?"

Your behavior should not change based on whether or not your wife is home.

I'd recommend the following:

• Learn about love busters, especially angry outbursts, and eliminate them.
  
• Learn about emotional needs, try to figure out your wife's top 3, and jump through hoops to meet them.
  Snoop until you realize your wife is still having an affair.
  
• Expose the affair - this is a huge topic so get input from folks on this site before you expose!!! Don't mention to your wife that you know about her affair. Come here and put your exposure plan together. This is critical.