Well, I thought I was well on my way to the pains of withdrawal with 3-4 weeks of no contact under my belt. Then, a little birdie tells me that they have been emailing and calling each other from their work.

Anyway, I confronted him. He lied. I confronted her. She swore on her children's lives that she had not. I told her that he told me they were and she admitted it finally.

Is it time to kick her out. Take the kids away. She's definitely not who I married, nor who I want to be married to. I thought the NC was in place but it isn't and there is really no good way for me to check her work email and phone.

The OM's wife called me and we discussed it. She made him leave her a voice mail that said it's over. I don't believe him. I told her one more time and I'm done.

Unbelievable. My wife was such a timid, loving, soft hearted Christian mother who has turned into a masterful liar, cheater, and deceiver who totally neglects her family.

Thoughts?

Divorce

Have you exposed the affair to her boss and HR at her work? Especially important since she is using company resources to carry on this affair.

Just hugs from me. I wonder sometimes which is worse, the walk away spouse or the one who lies and pretends to be there. In the end they are both terrible and no one deserves to be treated like this.

They all do this, I thought the same thing about my FWH. Unfortunately NC is often broken. I am sorry for the pain you are in...

I would ask her what SHE is willing to do in order to "fix" this. Has she written a NC letter? Would she be willing to?

She should also offer up total transparency. If what she offers is not satisfactory to you, Plan B is your best bet.

Is your lil' birdie reliable?

Also, you're right, you have no way to monitor work phones or emails. Ask her to take a polygraph and see what she says. If she says she'll take one, set it up, go through with it. Don't threaten then not follow through.

Sorry, I'm not familiar with your story. This is a new thread and I missed the old one I guess. It does help if you stick to one thread. Also you don't have a signature so lots of gaps - how long married, kids, when was d-day, did you expose, etc.

So...
Have you exposed?
Have you done a strong plan A? If so, for how long?
Are there any kids involved?
How long have you been married?
When was D-day?

I'd say you either need to ask her how SHE plans to fix this, or you need to go to Plan B. Hard to say without more info.

Married 11 years, 2 kids, 5 and 7.
Affair - Oct until ?
D-day - 6 Feb

Wanted a divorce starting 12 Jan
Strong plan A ever since 6 Feb.
Exposed and talk with OM's wife.
Last known face to face contact 10 March.
No contact broken by phone 24 March, 9 April, 21 April plus emails.

24 March he called and she said don't call me anymore
26 March said she now wanted to work on marriage
22 April said she had tried in the past for NC but it was too hard, said her integrity also was weak when it came to him
23 April said she admitted she wasn't really trying and that she was now committed and did not plan on contacting him again

I still get the "i'm not in love with you" talk.

I'm pretty sure I will have to call it quits soon because of her lies.

Hey Art, did you close joint bank accounts yet? Remember if you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with you money. It will give her a taste of what single mother and income will bring.

I was actually thinking we were headed for recovery, so no I haven't separated bank accounts yet.

arkhawk, I apologize if I have asked this before, but do they work at the same place?

Also, has the affair been exposed to EVERYONE? And I mean your kids, your parents, her parents, the OM's parents, employers, etc?

I would consider it as a shot across the bow. She thinks that there is no down side to disrespecting you.

No, they do not work together. Pretty sure they haven't had face to face in many weeks due to all the eyes on them. But they do call each other when they think they can get away with it.

I'm hesitant on pulling the Plan B just yet. It will be quite nasty and may be the death knell of the marriage. I want to be able to tell myself I did all I could. I'm really lost at this point. I want to keep trying but I don't trust her and she's not met 1 single need of mine in 3 months.

arkhawk, I don't think anyone suggested plan B, did they? What needs to happen is EXPOSURE if you want to save your marriage. The reason this has dragged on so long is because you are enabling the affair by keeping their dirty secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy.

If you DON'T expose the affair, it will likely be the death knell of your marriage. Can you not see that keeping it a secret is not working for you?

Are you interested in saving your marriage?

Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist with 35 years experience saving marriages:

""I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

<snip unrelated>
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Expose the break in NC.

I believe the affair needs to be exposed to a much wider circle so that everyone knows, if they don't already. Most especially, the children need to be told so they can understand what their mother is doing to their family and ask for her explanation. The kids also need to know who the fox in the henhouse is, in case they are ever exposed to this scummy man.

Did you ever think, that your inaction is just as damaging to healing your marriage. What if allowing her to do what she is doing, is not doing all you should be doing? You say it could be the death knell of your marriage. Why? You think that standing up for yourself and requiring that she respect you is likely to destroy your marriage. Are you reading the other posts here, and the other BS like you who waited months b4 they just had it up to here with their spouses and then didn't want to R? 3 months is long enough to be a door mat. WHERE THE HE77 IS SHE GOING TO GO? If she did leave, do you think that she could possibly come up with the thought that "this sucks, I want my family back." I believe if you stay in plan A to long you are just enabling your wife to slowly break away from you. But its your marriage.

Well, I did expose, just not to everyone I know.
I did expose the break in NC immediately and talked with the OMs wife who made him leave a voice message saying he would never call again. I could really see the effect on her when the backlash of the exposure started happening.

As for plan A, it has been very successful. Basically she sees me in a totally different light. 3 months ago I was a terrible husband/father to her, now she says I am a great man that she is trying to fall in love with again. She says she wants our marriage to work. This is much different than 1, 2, and 3 months ago. It is progressively getting better and she is spending more and more time with me.

I tell her she won't be able to love me or recover our marriage until NC is firmly in place. That's why I'm disappointed that NC was broken. Even with everyone who knows and is watching, it's hard to catch emails to/from work accounts.