This is the hardest thing in all this and I realized I realy haven't begun to sort it out. I asked him the 2nd day into this if he performed oral sex on them. He said yes with two. I totally flipped, I started hitting him and screaming I hated him, etc. That was THE worst night of this. He insisted he never loved any of them, but when I found out he did this, it showed me he was concerned with their pleasure and orgasm. UGGGhh! <P>For anyone who has experienced this as a women, you know it is a totally self less act on their part and it's not a casual thing. I felt like he took that from me too, I will never be able to experience that with him or anyone else without losing my mind. To me was my favorite secret. I NEVER told anyone we did that stuff and I viewed it as precious and I felt so special. That's part of the pain in all this, I no longer feel special. I no longer have the honor of being the only one he shared this with, it has cheapened it. Even the fact that they had experienced intercorse with him, they know he is very satisfying, (He is well endowed ok) I go nuts thinking they enjoyed it and I know they did. I remeber the first time with him, I was like this is a keeper!! Now that's not special either. He took what was mine and gave it away. He was MY husband, that was MY body to enjoy, that was MY pleasure to experience. And he just gave it away.<P>So I don't know what to do, this act (oral) is so intimate, so giving and loving. How could he do that without having some feeling for them. I asked him last night and he said for one girl it was mostly her giving him oral sex. She kept wanting more, it wasn't fair in her eyes to be the only one giving pleasure and not recieving any. So he did the whole thing with her. Sort of a sick payback I guess. Anyway he did it with the next one I think because he really was attracted to her and he enjoyed being with her. Oh how that hurts.<P>So what does all this mean, if he says it wasn't love for any of them. Does anyone know how you get over this one?? Please tell me I am really going nuts over this.

Crushed, he can't undo what he has done. It is in the past. Stop dwelling on it. I know easier said than done, but it simply will not do you any good to think about it & will just continue to give you the heebie jeebies. When I am with my H, & thoughts intrude, I think "This is my beloved husband." and I concentrate on that thought--because it is true.<P>Are you seeing a counselor? Someone to help you with anger & forgiveness? I have found it to be a God-send.<P>Take care.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

crushed<BR>I know this part is tough. I'll tell you how I deal with it. It's in your perception.<BR>right now the way you are looking at it hurts you.<BR>Look at it this way.<BR>It wasn't a selfless act on his part. It wasn't about love. Obviously if these women sleep with married men they probably have had other lovers right? I know that is an assumption but I'd say it's a pretty safe assumption.<BR>Sooooo.... Your H had to try to impress. That is a self centered act. He certainly didn't want to seem lacking in that department compared to the OW's previous lovers. Something to prove. Pride.<BR>Try looking at it that way. That isn't love.<BR>You are special. You are still the one.<BR>Try to be very careful what you ask him. Think about whether his answers are doing you any good. Slow down a little. Think about if you "really" need to know these things. Lor is right. It's in the past. It can't be changed. Sometimes you really can know too much. And if you aren't sure when he is telling the truth you will just drive yourself nuts.<BR>

Not sure it helps, but a lot of the getting over just takes time. Find ways to keep you mind from dwelling on the memories. Don't try to analyse the specifics of it all. It just happened and there's not much that can be done about it. <P>Good luck.

Crushed;<BR>That was our special thing too-the one way I was guaranteed to orgasm.He'd only ever done it with me-until "her"-and they only "did it" once-still wondering how you could do that the first time with someone!<BR>I was devastated. I was sickened. I could not let him go near me that way for a long time. Then I realised that she had taken enough away from me and gradually was able to enjoy it again (although I haven't quite reached total recovery). It took a while to get to that point though. It helped that when thoughts of "her" popped into my mind while we were being intimate I made myself imagine that she was sitting there watching-totally ticked off-knowing he was with me and enjoying every minute of it. <BR>It'll be a year next week since he was with her(Tues) and his confession(Thurs) and things are finally getting back to normal. Thank God!<P>As others have said,he can't undo what he's done-no matter how sorry he is, don't punish yourself for what he did. <p>[This message has been edited by Taz (edited October 20, 1999).]

Crushed -- It doesn't matter whether it was a specific act, a specific position, or a specific person. Your H did things with someone other than you. I know it hurts, but dwelling on that "thing" whatever it happens to be will only make it harder for you to heal.<P>We all have to deal with these same thoughts and feelings, and it has affected each of us differently. For me this feeling involved a specific position. Nothing spectacular, nothing special, but everytime my W and I were in that position, all I could "see" was them. It's really hard, believe me I understand. And it takes time. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it does get better with time.<P>God Bless

Crushed, not sure if this will help you any, but for many men this is not exactly the "selfless" act that you think it is. Many men <B>love</B> giving oral sex to women. It is an extreme turn on. <P>I'm not trying to take away from the specialness you felt about it, but just wanted to let you know that perhaps your husband was doing it to them for more selfish reasons.<P>--andy

Crushed, <P>I don't think there is anything any of us can say to lessen the devastation you feel. I have refrained from even asking my wife about any details about her and the OM. My thoughts alone have crushed me. I agree that OS is a very selfless act on either part and as Airheart said it is a turn-on for many guys. It is also a very special act between two people. If I think about my wife and OM doing that, I almost want to vomit. I have a hard enough time living with the fact that she even opened her legs for him. To know the details would push me over the edge right now. I'm not sure I ever want to know.<P>If it helps, I have visualed my wife as being insane during that time. I firmly believe the person I married was absent from her body and she wa controlled by someone else. There is no easy way through this. Just lots, and lots, and lots of time. <P>I am really sorry for your pain.<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 20, 1999).]

Crushed,<P>Ditto to SIR HURTS ALOT!!!!!!!<P>Does knowing ALL the details really help or hinder recovery?<P>Best to you,<P>LH

Crushed,<P>I can relate to EVERYTHING you are grieving over. That is what you are doing, grieving the loss of something that was very precious to you. Listen to these people who have responded, they are giving you very wise advice and insight. I wish I had found this web when I was beginning to go through this "dark night of the soul". Maybe I wouldn't be facing the 3year mark from discovery and just now feeling like I might actually live.<P>Go back and reread slowly all of the posts, they really are truth tellers! <P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

As the song goes...<BR>"be careful little eyes what you see,<BR>be careful little ears what you hear..."<P>The desperate desire to know everything will present you with gigantic burdens to bear. You may not be emotionally ready to know such details, and you may never be. <P>Truly there may be no value to knowing this stuff. Do you really want those images in your head for the rest of your life? <P>This paradox of "needing to know" and the pain that comes with the knowledge is one of the special consequences of infidelity that only we, the betrayed, get to experience.

Hi Crushed<P>My problem is similar but oppersite to yours I enjoy giving O.S. to my husband and this was a big part of our sex life, since his affair he won't let me near him there! His claim to fame is o.w. bit him there and he can't/won't let any one near it any more (at least not with there mouth) I don't believe this because 5 months later there can't be pain (there was not even a mark on him there !) and the memories must have subsided by now, I mean if I have to forget and get on with our marriage why can't he? But I miss this a hell of a lot and I am sorry to say that our sex life is just not the same I don't get that absolute thrill out of it any more!! But maybe with time........ I hope so anyway.<BR>It also hurts to think that he thinks me capable of that, (I am not her thank God I have moral standards) I have never ever hurt him there before and its not like I am not a trustworthy person or anything. How much time ??? If I find out you will be the first to know!<P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

I know guys that you are all right about this. The knowlege of this is too much for me and I wish I din't know that part (in a way) But I know I'd always wonder and for me the truth reveled is a way for me to go on. Tust me, there are plenty of things I don't ask, and actually this is the ONLY sexual question I had. He told me they performed oral on him at first and he didn't want to go further because he didn't want them to think it was more than that. But he did anyway and I wonder if it was more than that. He keeps telling me it wasn't but its hard. Naturally I can only think like I do and I assume he does too.<P>I realize it is in the past, and it is futher in his past then in mine. But in a way I have to live there for a while to go on. I need to try to make some sense of it even if there isn't any. I really feel ready to go from here, I'd like nothing more than to forget but what I really need now is a way to handle this so I can move on.<P>I think I have asked enough now and finally have a clearer view of it all (try to remember there were 3 long relationship over 21/2 years and 2 sort of flings). Each one is a process, I do over and over again. I want to now be able to move from here like I said but I don't know how you practically do that. Do you just block it out? Pretend it's not there, force the thoughts away. I don't think that's healthy for me. My family and his have lived in denial a long time myself included and it doesn't work.<P>I am praying for amnesia.<P>But the real question for me is now having the knowledge that I do, how do you put it in a place where it isn't important anymore? How then do you say ok, well lets just not give that power over me and work on the marriage. When I feel like that would be ignoring the real deal here. Yes it is in the past but SO WHAT. It happened, and that's the part I can't move beyond.<P>Please tell me how you come to resolve on this?

Dear Crushed,<BR>I will try to make this short and let you know the topic/type sex is different, but I will say that my H suddenly volunteered sexual information to me when I did not know such a thing was happening with ow. My blood turned to ice water and that is not funny at all. I read your post and you ask how to resolve this. Crushed, wish I could give you a hug! When that ice water filled my veins, it was some sort of shock. I did not discuss it for several years, hoping it would go away. I forgave it and did all I could to forget it... move on, be brave, you know. For me, that remedy did not work. Perhaps it does for some people, but it did not for me. It hit me square in the face some years later, to the point I could no longer deny its major effect on me. Though I am new here, it seems there are a lot of people here who care and can give you feed-back, that's good. When the ice water filled my veins that day, I did not know that besides the shock, I was also changing how I saw myself. I would suggest a best friend (if you have one of those you are sure you can trust), a minister, a therapist... do not do what I did and stay silent too long, doubt my own desirability, and finally crash emotionally. Do not drive yourself in the ground with this information... for your sake. I have seen a therapist and do not regret one second of therapy! I will be praying that you are not effected by this as I was and that you go very very easy on yourself... God bless and many hugs!