3 years ago I found my husband carrying on a relationship with a woman on the internet and phone. We were having alot of problems back then and we moved forward. He never met with her and I told him then that if he needed something that was the time to do it and we would deal with it. Now I just found out 3 weeks ago that he was having an affair. A full blown affair this time. He slept with a married woman twice when I found out. The big difference is that I thought we were happy now. We were at the best we have ever been in our marriage. He says that we were happy. Mostly!! But that he was unable to give me the passion that he should have and that he wanted to. Otherwise there was nothing wrong in our marriage. I really don't understand. How could there be nothing wrong but he did this?? What am I supposed to do?? How do you build on nothing wrong?? We are supposed to be renewing our wedding vows for our 12th anniversary next week. How do I do this? I am terrified that he will do it again. He says that this has changed him profoundly but he can't explain why or how. He can't tell me anything. How am I supposed to trust him. I have forgiven him but how can I forget. Every time he kisses me I have to push the image of him and her out of my mind. She is 10 years older than me, married with 2 grown children. Why was she so much better than me? People just keep telling me that I am soo good. An angel they say!! I am just a person with a broken heart. If I am so good why does this happen!!! My husband just says that I am soo good and evil is trying to destroy me but he wont let it happen ever again!! What is this?? Some stupid novel by Dan Brown!!! He says I do everything I can and that all he needs is for me to continue being me and loving him!! How do I do this?? I am so scared!!

Ok, some quick thoughts...

1. In my personal experience, your perception of what your M is like might not be the same as your H's. Ask him what he thinks of it. Concentrate specifically on what he thinks that it is missing. Try to relate his responses to ENs (Emotional Needs) that you might not be filling for him. Read the identification of the ENs on this site for further information.

2. Expose the A to the OWH. He needs to know what happened, and this will make it even more difficult for any contact to continue between your WH and the OW.

3. Renewing your vows at this time seems to be a bit premature. And don't give your forgiveness away so easily - your WH needs to earn it, and needs to know what he has to do to earn it.

Finally, even in good Ms, As do happen. Your WH's cheating is a sign of a flaw in his character. Not having one or more of his ENs met in your M might have only made him a bit more susceptible to getting involved in an A.

Welcome to MB Shantill,

The first A 3yrs. ago was never dealt with. The two of you may think that you fixed the problems and moved forward,
but the enviroment that allowed the A wasn't fixed.

This time, since you are here, it can be dealt with the MB way.

Everything that WH says that makes you think WTF, ignore it.
WH is talking through his butt because his head is full of fog.
This is known as fogbabble. Ignore it all.

BTW, all of the phrases that you quote from WH, they don't make sense to me either .... fog babble, fantasy land talk.

Read up on the basic concepts here Emotional Needs and Lovebusters.
There are 3 books that you should read by Dr. Harley. Surviving An Affair, His Needs Her Needs and Lovebusters.

There is also phone counselling with the Harley's, they will give you a step by step plan. The books will help to guide you.

The first step in all of this is Plan A. There are 2 parts, the carrot and the stick.
You need to expose the A to all significant players, OWH is a key one, OW's kids, OW's parents, both your parents, your kids depending on their ages,
clergy, good friends, workplace if this is appropriate.

This is done out of support for your M, not spite and should be said as so. I'll post a copy of it in the next post.
An affair cannot thrive if it is out in the open, but it can as long as it is a secret.
The more people that know, that would have influence over WH and OW, the better.

And, just so that you know .... these A's were not your fault like ManinMotion said. They are your WH's to own, not yours.

This is from a thread by Pepperband if you need to read more, found on this forum.
The carrot part is to make yourself more attractive to WH than OW.
The stick part is to bust up the A.
Both parts must be done, not just the ones you want to do.

This should get you started, read and read some more.
What do think, can you follow the plan??


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.