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WhiteRussian,
Your situation seemed similar to mine. My FWH had joined a gym and became a cad too - led to EA and contacting women online through dating site. My H says it was MLC - he was 45 at the time. Once it was all exposed he was very ashamed. Now he acts like it never happened. Hang in there - it will get better. And don't listen to the nay sayer. Some wanted me to D my H but I couldn't give six months of WW behavior more weight than our 17 years of M. And my H commitment to R made the difference - he really wanted our M to work. I was ready to D him but I'm so glad I didn't.

GG

GG


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
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WR, this may seem a little controversial, but the more you mention downstairs, the more nervous I get. What would you think about installing a hidden camera down there, just for a few weeks, to make sure of why he wants it so bad? He could just be enjoying being alone; he could be doing some things you might need to know to save your marriage.

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I don't have the financial resources to install a hidden camera. What I do have, though, is a ventilation system that lets me know EXACTLY what's going on. Sleeping. That's it. Occassionally, in the past, reading, but now he is even bringing his books upstairs. He has a TV down there, but only watches when he is folding laundry and it's all SciFi channel or MythBusters. It's seriously silly because all he does down there is sleep. It's not even like he's spanking the monkey, because quite frankly he has always left me evidence when he does, he truly is just too careless to hide it well sick , because I do most of the laundry. Seriously, we have a longstanding joke about my being jealous of a certain blanket that he utilized while I was on pelvic rest when I was pregnant. (Hey, I never did say everything about my normal H is charming rotflmao )

I have searched his gymbag a few times, too, to make sure it's consistent with normal gym stuff. Oh, and I do let him know good and well that I will check on him at my leisure whenever the hell I think of it, and so this morning when he went to the gym on the way to work, I went to make sure he was there.


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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Maybe you should stop cleaning the basement. Let him deal with his own sheets and whatever. Kind of like, don't help a WS finance her affair; don't make it easy for her. Don't help him 'finance' his choice to live alone down there.

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I don't clean it, per se, it's just that he'll pile his crap in the communal linens pile and it ends up washed with all the others. He re-sheets and all that himself. Believe me, what once was my studio is now a PIT grumble

This mornings news brief...

H came home from work last night and we ate together, and sat on the couch together and snuggled up a bit. Out of the blue he says, "I'm not sure if I am ready to sleep upstairs again, but I'd like to stay upstairs with you at least just for tonight." Hmmm. Ok. So we snuggled up and watched a little TV in bed and went to sleep. This morning we woke up, and ended up SF... we have a date planned for tonight and tomorrow night. He responds better to kissing again, though he's not more than a peck initiator of kissing at this point. I have no clue what it all means. And another peculiar thing I have noticed... we both were always "thankers" (you know, after SF blush) but he hasn't thanked since all this started... hmmm... well, at least we had a good time this morning... and I'm hoping this is his moving back upstairs... hmmmm....



Editted to add my BIIIIIG Small news.... I am down almost 4 pant sizes since the beginning of the year. WOOOOT! The low carb abject grief diet is really effective LOL. I had to go try on a bridesmaids dress yesterday for a friends wedding in August, and the shop asked me what size I wore, and I told the gal and she pulled that and the 2 sizes below it... I fit into 2 sizes smaller than I thought! WOOT!

Last edited by WhiteRussian; 04/26/09 12:27 PM. Reason: News worthy of adding

BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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UPDATE: So he just announced he is moving back upstairs... I'm not to make too much of it(LOL), but he's moving back upstairs... hmmmm...


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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WTG, WR! 4 sizes is fantastic!


BS - 60
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Married 24 years, together 25
D-Day - 02/09/2009
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So we went on our date last night (and have another tonight)

At one point, while driving around to get things all set up, he did try to mention how unfair the assessment a friend made was... I didn't take the bait. I just told him that people cared, even if he didn't like how they showed it, and can we get on with our enjoyable evening.

We picked up fastfood, and did the mock drive-in with the laptop out in the middle of nowhere. It was raining (sometimes pouring) thunder and lightning. It was awesome. We watched some comedies and ended up.... well, we ended up SF again at the "drive-in" laugh blush . So if you read the morning post, you know that made twice in one day smile That hasn't happened in I dunno how long LOL

So, is this the beginning of recovery? Is part of recovery almost honeymooney? ***crosses fingers***

His mom and I both think that when he lets his guard down, he does hint at knowing he has screwed up, big time, and maybe even kinda dances near pondering the validity of my midlife-crisis assessment...

Say your prayers for me, people... I think we're rounding the corner toward Sanityville. Sure, there's tons to be done, but I'd swear I have at leas 30% of him back loveheart


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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WR, congrats on dropping 4 sizes!

Your update is all positive, but just be careful of getting your hopes up. More than likely you will experience a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing.

It is a great time to continue to Plan A....but still continue to snoop snoop snoop.

And try not to be tempted to any kind of "I told you sos" regarding what "this" is. I know you want to believe it is a midlife crisis thing, but the diagnosis really doesn't matter as long as you are making good progress and he does not pursue inappropriate communications or relationships.

Have fun on your date tonight!

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Your sitch is creeping me out. It in some aspects is so close to my sitch!
My H did the web-looking thing (just curious- riiiight) and did not like the way I LB'd him- so he went to the couch and then downstairs too!
(Says he can't sleep comfortably together while we are both so at odds with each other.)

Really, he knows this upsets and pisses me off! So like a bad banjo player, he will play this note ( he knows it gets my goat) until I go insane! ...or as he hopes, change whatever until he gets his way.....
Maybe the space (of him being out of the room) is good for now- I am having HUGE issues LB-ing lately. Some days it is very easy- others are a nightmare.

He won't "move back" until he sees some positive changes. <Apparently, hethinks the changes must all be mine, methinks!>. I decided to pick my battles and not pressure this. <grumble>

He's such (LB warning) a drama queen! He acts (when/if caught) like everything is a huge misunderstanding-- but he causes 80% of his own relationship problems (both in our M and with the kids)

ooooh well. I really should work more on myself, tho.

I hope this latest news leads to something good for you.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I'm glad to hear some good news for you, WR. Maybe he'll spend the night with you again?

And as Faith said, try not to let your hopes get too high.


BS - 60
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Married 24 years, together 25
D-Day - 02/09/2009
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Originally Posted By: barbiecat
Your sitch is creeping me out. It in some aspects is so close to my sitch!
My H did the web-looking thing (just curious- riiiight) and did not like the way I LB'd him- so he went to the couch and then downstairs too!
(Says he can't sleep comfortably together while we are both so at odds with each other.)

Really, he knows this upsets and pisses me off! So like a bad banjo player, he will play this note ( he knows it gets my goat) until I go insane! ...or as he hopes, change whatever until he gets his way.....
Maybe the space (of him being out of the room) is good for now- I am having HUGE issues LB-ing lately. Some days it is very easy- others are a nightmare.

He won't "move back" until he sees some positive changes. <Apparently, hethinks the changes must all be mine, methinks!>. I decided to pick my battles and not pressure this. <grumble>

He's such (LB warning) a drama queen! He acts (when/if caught) like everything is a huge misunderstanding-- but he causes 80% of his own relationship problems (both in our M and with the kids)

ooooh well. I really should work more on myself, tho.

I hope this latest news leads to something good for you.


Gotta work on the LB's. It's hard, it sucks, but you have to. I have thankfully, even according to H, managed to virtually eliminate mine, and I think that has been an essential component to seeing any movement in a forwardly direction...

Barbie: I have to go see your thread(s). Isn't it lovely how it's YOUR problem that he can't make wise choices? sigh Men...

FHL- I know. It's sad to know it, but I know. I totally still snoop. I sometimes worry I am rather obsessive about it at moments. Today he killed off his Facebook SexGames character and Lollipop, without my asking. If you recall, I had told him I felt those were both hugely inappropriate in the over-flirty nature that they have, and he had promised to let me know if he used it again, though he had said at that moment that he would not, but he wasn't gonna kill off his character either in case he later felt like it. sigh It "couldn't be WR's choice when H killed the character and ceased using it forever." So he emailed me today that he killed it. I called to say that I appreciated his considerate action and he said he just felt it was the right thing to do, that any wife in my situation would want the same, but that for clarity sake I should know that he didn't really WANT to kill it, but did so because he felt it needed to be done to better our situation... dontknow

LF- Yep, he was upstairs "on a trial basis" the night before last, and then upstairs last night, though I'm not to "make anything of it" :roflmao:


He's doing the enneagram quiz his IC has asked for, and that I will have to do down the line... he's doing it down in the basement skeptical

I am sooooo tempted to put all the bedding supplies from down there away tomorrow while he is at work, so that he can't very easily flop back down there... sure, the pieces would be available, but if he wants the cushions, then let him dig them out of the upstairs closets where they belong. Know what I mean? You think if I cleaned that bed mess up in the spirit of "cleaning the basement" that that would be too hostile an action?


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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Maybe you could wash the bedding, and "forget" to remake the bed? That's kind of an in-between thing. Passive-aggressive?


BS - 60
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Married 24 years, together 25
D-Day - 02/09/2009
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I wouldn't clean up for him. Let HIM do that. However, if there is anything your husband is allergic to, or you know of anything that could discreetly cause discomfort, perhaps you can treat his basement bedding with it. smile

Oh, I know....rub in some poison ivy!

THAT's not passive aggressive, is it? No, I would call it behavior modification!

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If I wait for him to clean it up, even a year from now, it will be there even if we're FINE. He's LAZY. And, unfortunately, no allergies.

I want it out of my basement frown It's supposed to be MY basement. My art studio, and my mojo has been so crushed with all this, I would really love to try to push myself into some of my work and see where it goes, get the healthy release, but down there next to his runaway bed I just can't be inspired at.all. Grrrrrrr...

So we went on a date last night, it was supposed to be a gym date, but with my barely keeping a migraine at bay with aura all day long, we opted not. We brought the supplies for the drive-in, but decided to scout for a new site. We drove around all evening chatting and driving, and seeing places we've never really seen. We had dinner out, too. He wanted to talk relationship, and Dr Harley, though he's not "into it." He wanted me to explain the EN's and LB's and POJA and RH. I'm not adept enough in some of the concepts sigh We seemed pretty well engaged from when we left at 6pm until about 10:15 or so, but then it was just me wanting him to agree to the coaching and participate in the process, and him saying that he doesn't feel like that right now and it has to come from him and he won't give it his "enthusiastic support" ala POJA. GRRRR....

Then, later, after it actually went more awry than I would have liked, it came out that he had thought the coaching was FREE and FREE because it was with some Joe Schmoe like the marital coaching churches often offer where you're just matched with a long-term married couple. How he thought this, I can't even begin to guess, because I had explained that it was $195/hr, but that I had found assistance wherein we can get it for free for 2-3 maybe 4 sessions because someone else will foot the bill. I had explained that it would be with Dr. Harley. I hate not being listened to, and then blindsided by it later.

He did still sleep upstairs, though, and cuddle up a little.

I sure do miss the way we were constant cuddlers before, though. I hope that's not irreparably lost in all of this. frown


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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Bumping because sometimes I come back here obsessively looking for wisdom and perspective...


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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So here's the morning update:

No real changes that appear huge...

I am 3/4 done with HNHN, and ummm have to say I am kinda disappointed... the first chunk is all about his need for sex and a wife being cold to it. Um. Nope. Then onto RC and seems to advocate giving up hobbies not done with the spouse. I can see if my H were wanting to go wild and free with the boys, that would be an issue, but I don't want him to have to quit something if he finds something he likes. And me, I have a few gal pals I scrapbook with on occasion and I don't want to give that up, either. I suppose we could try having H take up some other intricate sit at a table hobby so we can work simultaneously, but I'm not even sure he's gonna have anything interest him in a sit and do way... soooo.... hmmmmm... are we really saying that we should give up all hobbies we love that we don't/can't do with our spouse? Or???? Thoughts???


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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Can you share how you found coaching assistance, White? We're on a very fixed income...


BS - 60
WH - 67
Married 24 years, together 25
D-Day - 02/09/2009
Trying to enter Recovery
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A religious entity is footing the bill for us, if he'll agree to it.


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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How cool! Thanks!


BS - 60
WH - 67
Married 24 years, together 25
D-Day - 02/09/2009
Trying to enter Recovery
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