Hello everyone. I am looking for some advice.
I am 29 years old as is my wife. We have been together since we were 14. We have been married for almost 7 years. We have had a lot of rough times in our marriage. We seperated about a year and a half ago for a month. During that time she was smoking behind my back and also having an emotional affair on second life with a man out of state. She has admitted that she would have cheated on me if he would have been in the same state. When I moved back in she quit talking to him and even told the other guys wife about what they were doing to make sure that she wouldnt talk to him again. She will also admit she still misses him.
I made a lot of mistakes which I believe have led to some of this. After our children were born I emotionally and physically left her because I wasnt great with new borns but I wish I would have never done any of that and may be this wouldnt have happened. I dont know.
So currently we have been trying to work on things. Well within the last several months she has been texting a lot more which she refuses to do with me when I am not with her. Spending more time on the computer again and talking on the phone a lot more.
A week this Sunday we had a few fights and she said she wanted out and she was done trying. She wants me to move on. She wants me to find someone new that will treat me right. Well I know she is talking to another man on second life again. This time the man is 50 years old married with three kids. They are into BDSM on the web and it has crossed over into real life. She sends him adult photos from her cell. He sends them back to her. They text all day or are on some instant messaging service online. At one point a couple months ago she was getting texts but from a females name when I questioned her she got all defensive and outraged. Admitted finally that she had it under another name because he didnt want me to find the number and call and tell his wife. his marriage hasnt gone well either. This is not the first woman he has been with like this and I am sure it wont be the last.
She told me that she doesnt want anyone else and that she isnt looking for anyone but if it happens it happens. She at first said she wanted to legally seperate and now it is divorce. We are still living together at the moment. We do have two kids together 2 and 6. The oldest has picked up on our issues and it is hard for us to do this to them. She has also started smoking again although she doesnt know that I know, I am not sure she ever quit. She has lied to me before about it.
I have seen the photos between them, I have seen an email she sent a month ago when the email was left open that stated that she was sorry to him for all the crap she has put him through and that she wants to prove to him that she will be wants he wants her to be. In his email he wanted her to send him a photo of her eyes to believe that she meant it.
I want this marriage to work so bad. She doesnt anymore. We went to counseling once and never went back last year. She is lying to herself and me. She said she doesnt want to give us any more chances. I am not a religious man but have been turning to god and asking for his help. I am also doing the love dare but feel like it wont work. I cant find anything on this Plan A and Plan B other than what is listed here. All my friends think I am crazy for staying with her and putting up with all of this. I want to confront the man, I want to tell her parents. I havent. I have only told my mom and my close friends of both sexes. I am so lost and confused.
If I mention getting help she will be mad and tell me that she has said she doesnt want this to work out and to stop trying it is only annoying her and that I am not being me. She has said the meanest things to me and said that we have never made love.
I dont want to give up but I dont know what to do with her. I want her to see that we can work this out.
Someone please help me. I am constantly working and I work nights none the less so our time together is odd and short.

DSM: Sorry you are in this situation. You have come to the right place. Great and wise people will be here shortly to assist you.

I might first suggest you set up a time to chat with the Harley's counselors. I'm told they are great! And they have lots of experience in dealing with this type of affair.

Continue reading on this site and keep posting updates on your marriage / wife.

Probably the first thing to do is expose this affair to everyone who has contact with your wife and this other man -- his wife, your wife's parents, family, friends, etc. Exposing brings light to the darkness and is the best way to end the affair.

Next, I would set up as many snooping devices as you can -- keylog her computer, flexispy her smart phone if she has one, track phone / text and any records you can. You do this for a few reasons. 1. To verify their contact and gather information about the affair. 2. To protect yourself and your children/family.

Hang in there. This is going to be a long road. Ending the affair is priority #1 right now. Might take a while. Keep reading and posting...

1. Don't ever entertain the idea or have any discussion about moving out.

If anyone goes...it's her...without the kids.

2. Expose

3. Turn off the internet or password protect your home computer so she can't use it to further her illicit adulterous activities.

4. Shut down her cell phone.

5. In the meantime...get her off joint credit cards and maybe protect a good portion or all of the family money by closing joint bank accounts before she gets mad at the above and cleans you all out. Protect your family (including your wife).

Mr. Wondering

She is lying. She already has someone in mind, or else she is already screwing someone.

Hire a PI to gather as much evidence as you can. Isn't your marriage worth the cost of a PI?

And DO NOT MOVE OUT!

Make it hard to carry on her affair!