I'm divorced w/ kids 1 boy 15 & 1 girl 13. We both have remarried with step kids. Our kids live with me.

Today my mom has called me to tell me that when DS was over her house yesterday he was calling me names and saying things about me. He called me fat, lazy, and don't ever want to get out of bed, and that the kids has to the housework, and that I don't ever want to do anything with him.

I'm the one that cleans the house while they are in school and hubby is at work, I use to make the kids do chores as in they would get one room per week to clean they just had to pick up and sweep it. But none of the kids has done chores this year. Last year I needed them to help out because I was pregnant and wasn't able to do it, but that wasn't why we was having them do chores. I want my kids to know how things run with they have their own place. What parent don't have their kids to chores its good for them in many ways. I do get out of bed I'm always up before he is up and out of bed, I mean come on I have a 6mo old baby like I can stay in bed. I'm always wanted to do things with the kids but they won't get me the time of day, they want to be with there friends and gone to the park or what ever their friends are doing.

This isn't the first time that my mom has called me to tell me what he has said about me. But when I confront him he says that he didn't say it and that it was Grandma that said I don't clean house. Then he starts saying things about my mom like calling her names and what not. (which I know my mom don't like how my house looks because she thinks it needs to be spotless, she is like Danny from full house) My house is clean its just lived in with 8 people and a vary small house.

My son also is having trouble at school, he gets kicked out of school, and says that it’s the teachers fault and not his. I just don't know what more to say or do for him, I'm at the end of my wits end. I'm thinking about telling him to go and move to his dad, I have asked him before if he would like to live with his dad and he tell me no that isn't what he wants, that he wants to live here. But if its so bad here why does he want to live here.

He gets alone with everyone here, I guess its just me that he has a problem with, he even gets alone with his step dad & brothers. So today the kids is going to go over my mom & dad's and then when my hubby gets home from work my parents is going to bring the kids home so we can talk to them and confront my DS about things that he has said about me and about my mom.


So what I'm asking here from you guys is info from the outside looking in and let me know what you think or ideas on what I can do. Anything would be nice and thank you all.

I would consider carefully the veracity of your mother's statements about what your son said as often, very often, mothers can be passive aggressive and conveniently place their thoughts and feelings into someone elses mouth. She's using your son as her spokesperson.

Your son MAY have said a few things...but your mother expands upon it to make or score HER points.

She's not trying to be mean...she's actually trying to influence your behavior because she "thinks" you aren't doing a good enough job as a parent and housekeeper. With all those people there...you likely are, but neat freak grandma's don't remember the struggle they endured to keep everything in order.

I'm not saying your mother is for certain doing this but I just want you to get your facts straight before you run around accusing your son of saying things he didn't say and then you not believing his legitimate denials.

IF I'm right...your mother won't likely admit it very easily. Passive aggression is embedded behavior you aren't likely to break her of at her age. You are better off just recognizing it and ignoring parental criticism (it's what parents do).

Mr. Wondering

An example: My MIL whom I adore does this all the time and I have to help my wife catch it from time to time. For example, at Christmas, my wife, daughter and I went to dinner with MIL, Brother in Law and BIL's girlfriend. BIL and I split up the bill and a few weeks later my MIL told my wife that my BIL didn't appreciate the way the bill was divided up and that I should have paid fully for MIL. Problem was BIL never said anything of the sort and I KNEW it. So before my wife got all mad at her brother I told her to double check her facts with her mother and low and behold...it was HER opinion and NOT BIL's. This is just one example. I don't dislike MIL for doing it...instead I understand it and thus, her comments and opinions are suspect at times. In this instance it was just her motherly affection for her son and her perception he got a raw deal or something (BIL makes about the same money as me so I don't understand it). I am fortunate that MIL is also very honest and won't lie once called on it. Hope you are that lucky too.

I talked to my mom and son with my dad and hubby I asked him about what he said and he said he did say it and that grandma didn't say it. We did get though some things but we still need to talk some more and keep talking. We aren't as close as we use to be so I'm thinking that maybe thats why he is doing what he is doing. So now I got some work do to get close with him again.

First of all, your son is 15. He is in the middle of being the ugliest creature he will ever be in his life. Teenagers are horrible things. You truly wonder how they can ever possibly fare on their own. They are like this whether you are married, divorced, widowed, remarried, have step kids or not. I point this out because a lot of what is going on with him is perfectly normal. Frustrating - definitely. But also normal. They do become human again eventually. Mine will be 21 in a month and he has drastically improved (still a ways to go, but far better than at 15).

Secondly, I agree with Mr. W. regarding your mother. My mom is the same. Some of it is their desire for you to meet some impossible standard they have set for you. Some might also be leftover frustration from when you were that age (maybe you were a slob at 15? I know I was!!!). In any event, be very careful before you overreact to something she says. Any information that has been passed to you in the form of he said/she said is highly likely to be a partial or biased truth no matter whose mouth it comes from.

And finally, you are not feeling as close to your son. It may even be causing you anxiety. Again I go back to my first point - teenagers are horrible creatures. Sometimes I think it's nature's way to prepare us (parents) to let them go. Your relationship with him is changing and will continue to do so until he is a full adult (as in completed school, married and with kids of his own). There will be things he won't want to share with you that he used to, but also new things to replace them. It's a transitionary phase. It's ugly, but it's part of their growing up.

Don't despair - they really do grow out of it!