Definitely expose. I had time to read some of your other threads (please stick to one, it makes it much easier to catch up with your story). As far as I can tell, OMW knows "some but not all" of the truth.

Expose asap to:
WW's parents
WW's siblings
OMW
Your parents

Maybe it would help if you enlist her help in enforcing NC. This way it changes the dynamics from "doing something arkhawk wants" to "working together for the marriage".

Brainstorm together (this will require LOTS of you just being quiet and waiting) on ideas how NC can be enforced.

Some ideas (but let her come up with ideas on her own -- very important that she participate and buy in to this!!):

• swap cell phones whenever you ask
• put keylogger on the PC with reports mailed to you
• put auto-forward in email account(s) so any emails from OM get forwarded to you
• cellphone with GPS capability or GPS on the car(s)
• change where you shop etc.
• no "girls night out" or similar - make you her new buddy-of-choice

Why not? How many relapses are you going to endure before you pull out the big guns and work on saving your marriage?

Have the kids been told? Who have you not told? arkhawk, I would caution you against bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight if you have any intention of saving your childrens family and your marriage. You can't really afford to do things half way anymore. Mass scale exposure to all interested parties should be done. Starting with your KIDS.

Let her explain her adultery to your children and why she is wrecking your family like this.

Do the people that matter at their places of work know that they are using company resources (phone/ email) to carry on their affair? CUT OFF THEIR LINES OF COMMUNICATION!!!!

Any time you mention exposure, you only mention OMW. You need to expose to alot more than just one person if you want to stop this affair.

Well, I wish I had better news to report.

The OM did come into the gym in May and they saw each other (she later admitted she had feelings still). Then in June things started to get better. This is where she said she was over him. He did come back in the gym in August but she said she felt nothing but disgust.

It was also in June that she later said that she stopped lying. So from July to October we spent tons of time together and shared a lot of good times. We did have a negative conversation about the affair about once a week because I kept discovering poems that she had written or email aliases AND I kept having questions. I thought we were finally on track to build something, despite her saying she was not in love with me.

So she finally said stop talking about the affair, it's creating a wall for me. It was hard, but I did. Now, this week she says I'm not happy, I'm not in love with you, you are the perfect husband and father and do so many wonderful things for me, but I want a divorce.

So I was frustrated and for 3 days probably preached and reasoned way too much about religion and the kids. All of a sudden she's gone so cold after us being together so much and having such good times. No evidence of the OM anywhere, she says she wants to leave to try and find that spark with someone else (but nobody in particular).

Anyway, today she says she feels I'm trying to pressure her into doing something to make everyone else happy and make her miserable. I am devastated of course, but my willpower to continue Plan A is almost gone.

Help?

Wow, we're up!

ark, if I were you I would tell her to go ahead and go find herself, but the kids stay with you. No exceptions. Let her see if it's all that fun, all by herself, paying for everything on her own, no support for anything any more.

I'm thinking she'll have second thoughts if you put it that way. And if she's willing to leave her kids to 'find herself,'...well, you're better off knowing that about her character now, than later.

Hello Ark,
I've not posted to you before but wanted to comment that what you are experiencing is not unlike my sitch. The difference is that my H and I are separated and the affair is over, but he is non-commital too and feels that we are moving too fast. Honestly, as I see it, and depending on the length of time the affair was alive, and they were "high," they will continue to compare the high of the affair with the normalcy of the marriage, and unfortunately, we cannot compete with the fantasy.
I have decided to take a back seat and really lighten up on the Plan A. It's wearying me out too, and it's become unhealthy. If your wife wants a divorce, I would defer it all to her to do. You stand firm and maintain what YOU want. Don't stand in her way and let her find her way by HERSELF.
My H has not asked for a divorce, but he isn't committing to the marriage either...it's a continuous state of ambiguity and limbo. I've known folks that have walked this path for 2-4 years...it takes a LONG time to disassemble the damage they've done to their thinking in order to have managed to dissociate themselves from the marriage and their family. She is probably waiting for the "sparks" to light up with you and since they're not right now, she figures there's no point.
Take a back seat for a while and let God drive the bus. Let her figure herself out.
My H and I have been reconnecting too, and for a while there I thought things were progressing nicely. Then they somehow detour. YOU stay the course and let her find herself. I honestly think that you should let God do the heavy-lifting here. I know I have and it's freeing.
BTW: perhaps her leaving the home front will change it up for her...
Hope this helps,
W

She's not willing to leave the kids. Says she can't go without them, but apparently only having them 50% of the time is ok.

Today she feels trapped. She is clearly miserable and very cold to me.

For a very long time, I thought the right thing to do was to hang in there and not give up. Not even when she was having the affair. Now, I'm thinking maybe I should quit.

I don't know.

Thanks Warrioress,

That makes sense that she is comparing the affair to our marriage. Personally, I think we really only tried connecting for about 4 months even though I have been in Plan A for 9 months. The other time she was in the affair or withdrawal.

I don't think that's enough time to fall in love, but she was clearly frustrated and felt she would never be in love with me. Now she says she doesn't want that anymore.

This has been tough because of the enormous change in direction at least from where I thought we were. She had said a couple of months ago that she was committed. Now she's not. She's obviously depressed thinking she'll never be happy. Being happy is the most important thing to her. I'm not happy, but I have faith. She doesn't.

Perfectly all right to quit on the marriage.

But whatever you do, do NOT give up the kids living with you.

This was all HER choice, let HER suffer the consequences.

If she tries to squawk about it, say "Fine. We'll talk to the judge about whether the kids should be with an adulteress or their father, who has done nothing to ruin the marriage or cheat."

Chances are a judge would make them go with her at least 50% of the time, but your best bet at saving your marriage OR keeping the kids with you is to run a good strong bluff - right now.

I've had that discussion. Her "friends'" advice was that she will get the kids no matter what so that is what she believes. So threats and bluffs don't work.

Ark,
Your time frame is almost identical to mine...4 months of reconnecting. However, I really believe that my H has been in either withdrawal or denial of the end of the affair...that phase in and of itself can take up to a year if they were really vested in the relationship. I know my H was so he is emotionally incapable of recommitting, even though he said he was at the outset.
Your W doens't like the "feeling" of being unhappy...tough. That's part of the lesson that God is teaching her. It's the "feeling" issues that she needs to work through, and besides, marriage isn't based on "feelings" anyway.
I plan on giving my H until the end of the year - a total of 6 months of unrequited withdrawal and alone time, as he needs it...I won't ask him to work on our marriage or fix "us" until then. He simply isn't "able" to.
I will reassess this in December. It will be 1 year in January that we will have been separated. I anticipate giving him until April of next year to consider recommitting to the marriage. If he doesn't act on making any legal changes in our relationship, I will let God lead me as necessary...I see the movement of this like that of a tectonic plate...ever so slowly. But honestly, she can't "commit" to something until she's managed to "understand and resolve" the affair in her own head. That's her process that you can't really help with.
I'm hoping you can manage this period of "unknown." It's awkward and unfair, lonely, frustrating, and it pisses me off.
However, if you still have love for her that you want to preserve, do so now. Put it aside for the moment, try to stand neutral and let her swim for it. She needs to stand on her own two feet emotionally if she'll ever be able to be the wife that you need to recover to remain with her in the marriage. She needs to be WHOLE.
In the meanwhile, you could work on your own personal recovery. I am doing this and I call it my "concurrent plan." Whether or not the marriage recovers, I will be.
W

Apparently she was unhappy for a few years before the affair. Even stated that we were never really in love. She only thought she was, but there was no foundation. All crap in my opinion.

Love is about commitment. She doesn't have it. She needs that feeling and is convinced I can't provide that ever.

"Apparently she was unhappy for a few years before the affair. Even stated that we were never really in love. She only thought she was, but there was no foundation. "


Sounds like grade standard fog to me

Do you believe anything she says? Were you never in love? Would you have married her if you felt that she wasn't in love with you?
She's gaslighting you to attempt to exhonerate herself from having to work on the marriage. In the affair, there's no "effort" in making it work. It's all froth and foam. Lots of good feelings...but that's where there's no foundation!
Let her talk...it's all crap, just as you say.
You are right on about love being commitment. Give yourself a timeframe that you can reasonably manage.
Suggest that you reevaluate things in 4 months. No decisions until then. Make it palatable in small morsels. Heck, you've got all these years invested, what do you have to lose?
Try something so that she feels she can reasonably handle. I think our spouses are scared that they'll never "feel" that good again.

bullhockey.

So you're giving up, just like that?

My husband is afraid of anyone who is superior to him, business wise. In real life, he's AMAZINGLY smart and productive and better than anyone I know. But when he gets in front of anyone with superior credentials - even those who ACT superior, he crumbles.

I hate him for that. Not really, but it makes me really really upset that he's not further ahead in his life - and we are in such dire straits financially, simply because he (1) refuses to admit his fear and (2) refuses to tackle it.

You have the opportunity to take control of your family, for the family's benefit. And you are letting your fear of her ruin it. She needs you to man up. Your kids need you to man up.

Actually I've done it. That's how I know it didn't work. Made her mad at me though.

No, I believe we were both in love with each other. She is revising history to fit her feelings and justify her actions. I understand it, it doesn't affect me because I know differently. Besides, her journals are full of comments of the sort prior to getting married.

I'm really thinking she will file for divorce soon. It was a real love buster for me to reason with her about her religious views and the impact on our kids.

Now she feels torn, trapped. That makes her mad at me, but I think the truth in my arguments is what has her torn.

I'm at the point though that if she leaves, I know I will be ok. I will hate it and be devastated, but survive, because I know I didn't have the affair and I stood strong through the storm and held to my beliefs. I didn't give up. I didn't quit. It's a lesson for my sons that I hope they learn (even though it may not work out).

Ark,
What is your plan? Give yourself a timeframe. You can't control what she does or doesn't do, but you don't have to endorse it.
Remember, YOU are the stronger one here...the one with the greater sensibilities. STOP reasoning with her...it's TOO soon. I imagine it's tougher while living in the same house, but you've got to refrain from trying to convince her of her wrongdoing. She needs to come to these realisations on her own.
Believe me, I struggle with this too and often feel empty after talking with my H. I'm married, but have no true marriage. But I am changing the way I THINK. You are what you think. YOU decide what types of thoughts you want traveling in your head about all of this. If you truly believe your marriage is salvageable, you must think it so. Stop letting her control where your head goes.
I hope I've helped you some today.
W

arkhawk, is she still going to that gym? Does the OM still go to the gym? I suspect she has been in contact with the OM again. What sleuthing have you been doing?

Have you been in touch with the OMW to update each other?