I've been reading the forums here at MB for the last month, ever since I discovered my WW's A to her boss. I'll try to sum up the entire story in a nutshell:
Wife had A in 2002 with a man who was a frequent flyer with the airline she works for. I discovered 3 months later and she broke it off, and we worked on the marriage. Things were good until the summer of 2008, my business was booming and NOW I know I neglected her. I am also guilty of LB's, and not being good at fulfilling her EN's. I never got the feedback to know that I wasn't doing this. She never gave it. If she did, it was cryptic and I didn't pick up on it. Not an excuse, I know. I even had SAA and HNHN to refer to but didn't use them. Again, another reg-flag.
On March 28, 2009, after seeing this wall being built between us for over 4 months, I discovered her over-the-top texting to ONE number. When I confronted her with this, she said the classic response, verbatim: "I still love you, but I'm not in-love with you. Haven't been for several years. I'm in-love with another." That "other" is her boss who she has known for 10 years. We used to regularly eat dinner with this man and his wife, go out on double-dates with them, our children socialized with their children. About makes me sick now.
Last 30 days have been a roller-coaster ride. My emotions have been all over the place, even worse than 7 years ago. She is DEAD-SET on moving out, says she is done. We have 2 children, ages 9 and 15. We decided in private that we wouldn't tell them anything until they were out of school, at the end of May. Living in the same house with a person who is trying desperately to avoid you or distance herself from you is very painful.
I want to save this marriage. I still am very much in love with this woman. We have been together for 26 years, married for almost 22. She completes me.
I have a good business, she doesn't go without much. She has a nice home, a new pool, travels, has nice things. Financial is not the problem. She doesn't have to work, although the flight benefits are great.
I implemented Plan A after I decided that I wanted to try to save our marriage and keep our family together. She responded by saying that I was acting phony and that I shouldn't get my hopes up. After this past weekend, I confronted her and asked if there was ANY chance we could TRY to make this work. She responded "there is absolutely NO WAY."
Now, being a computer programmer by trade, I had implemented several ways to gather information about the A. Getting complete TEXT messages isn't as hard as you think, just have to "think different". I had decided that my only path was to expose the A and hopefully she would come around (she has been in this fog since day one). I armed myself with Text messages, cell transactions, text transactions, photos from a party, and emails and headed for their place of work (major airport). When I tried to get the coward to meet me, he ignored my cell calls. I finally called his boss, told him there was something I needed to talk with him about, and then called his wife, who was blind-sided by the news. Within a few minutes, he called me, and I laid into him, wanting to know why he was destroying MY family, his family, his career, etc. He soon agreed with me that he would end his relationship with my wife, in fear I would inform the management of the A. I called his boss and told him that the issue was a personal one that I had handled, and left the airport. (all is fair in this game I've learned, I didn't want to threaten this SOB, but it did the trick. I did feel sick about it for the next two days.)
Big issue now, she is BEYOND furious. I knew she would be mad, but she went POSTAL. Even dragged me to her Boss' house to apologize (I went only to keep from getting into a huge fight). The coward wouldn't come out to talk to us, only his wife, who proceeded to lay into my wife. Just goes to show people wrapped up in fantasy worlds DO NOT think clearly.
My question: she is DEAD SET on leaving at the end of May. Should I continue Plan A and then switch to Plan B when she leaves? Has anyone else had a spouse who was so DEAD SET on leaving, blames you for everything, practically hates your guts, etc?

Thanks for any help you can provide...this forum has been my life-line now 2 times!

TriggerCat

The affair will not end with them working together. You must expose the OM at work. You need to get NC between the OM and your WW. Write letter to the OM's boss, CC to the Director of HR, CEO, and the Board of Directors.

OP, hats off to you. You are like me. Reading up like crazy, learning from others and then taking swift action. Kudos to you man. My advice, keep the pressure on.

Go full throttle on Plan A. By the way, did you change your behavior ?

What have you learnt from her first A ? I guess not enough, huh ? Sorry for the 2X4 but I mean that in a nice way.

You are doing GREAT. May want to consider exposting it to the rest of the company if you could.

If she leaves then yes you go to Plan B. BUT, make sure you read up on Plan A. DO NOT DO NOT talk about your relationship with her at all. You have one full month. Who knows, she may change her mind and not move out.

Also focus on improving your relationship with your little ones. Women love that. You are still early. You need plenty of patience, determination to get through this. You can do it. You are on the right track.

Thanks TR and O1 for your words of wisdom. I had been afraid to post here but now I know it is the right thing.
My exposure has caused a ripple effect throughout their office. I really don't want anyone to get fired because of me, although I am prepared to go all the way if necessary, it's just that I feel for the OM's family (single income, 2 boys) and my WW is really beating me up for "going to her work to get her fired" (not my original intention, but very possible).
The OM's wife is now on the warpath, getting her family and HIS family involved. It's been painful, but I do believe it was the right thing to do.

optin1: Thanks for the encouragement. I'm reading and re-reading about Plan A in the book and on-line. I am currently away from home (with my 2 children) for a trip to my sister's home that had been planned months ago (she backed out after the March 28 meltdown). My exposure was actually well=timed so I could feel comfortable knowing she would behave herself while I was gone. While gone, I plan to spend some quality time with my girls and try to get some sleep (I sleep 4 hours max a night, have lost 21 pounds).
I just discovered that my 15 year old has been texting my WW and blasting her with questions she refuses to answer...when she askes me I tell her enough but I really want my WW to explain why she and Daddy are having problems. Her involvement, above everything else, has shown some of the first cracks in the WW's wall. (small cracks for sure, but I have seen them)

What have I learned?
FOLLOW THROUGH
FOLLOW THROUGH
FOLLOW THROUGH
and
Stick to a plan!

What else?
God gave you TWO EARS and ONE MOUTH. Listen twice as much as you speak.

I am working on being a better person, by watching what I say and treating people the way I would what to be treated.
I learned more about her EN's that drive home from the boss' house then I've heard the last 26 years. I immediately wrote them down (I'm a dense guy, I wasn't going to forget!) and matched them to the EN in HNHN. I now have a starting point to work from.
You are SO RIGHT about talking about relationships...OUCH!
Had to switch gears, keep things light and friendly, looking for different things to talk about.
I don't know, it still looks pretty bleak to me...I've never seen her so determined. I'm running on faith, hope, and the strength I get from you all.

Thanks for your fantastic support...I really appreciate it!
I am hurting so bad this is the only thing that keeps my faith alive.

-TC

I'm assuming you mean that you used a Mac. I'd be interested to know how you can get phone text messages on a Mac.

If your 15 year old DD is old enough to tell something is wrong and ask questions it's time for the truth.

No need for details just tell DD that mom is dating MR OM.

Did you expose to WW's parents and siblings.

TC, dont feel guilty. As a BS you have very little tools to help you out in these horrific situations. OM's wife help in exposing to her familiy and his family is the absolute right thing to do.


I hardly slept for the first week or so but it got better after that. You need plenty of rest. You must take care of yourself. Use this event as a trigger to change you completely. We are into 7th month of our recovery...tell you what...I took it very hard. The crying didnt stop until the 4 month. I am still devasted but getting there. My wife went through HUGE withdrawl during this time.

I suggest you spend AS MUCH time with your wife as possible. With your changed behavior ofcourse. Plan a family event. Watch a movie together. A comedy or something. Dont make any overt romantic gestures. Be subtle about everything...Make sense ?

Kids now a days are very smart. Your daughter probably knows everything by now. They say, children are very traumatized by what they see from their parents. It makes a permanent mark in their memory. You really need to talk to your wife and agree on what to say to your daughter. That you both have problems and you are working on it. And that your wife has a new boy friend. This has nothing to do with your little ones. Not their fault at all. And that you both are working to get through this in a sane manner. How old is the other one ? (may just want to share with your 15 yr for now).

Yes stick to a plan and make sure ALL LOVE BUSTERS are out the door. Also when you talk to her, look her in the eye. It is OK to let her know how much her actions have hurt you and your family. She needs to understand that.


ok, correction...you are not running on faith, hope. You have a CONCRETE plan. Like I said, from what I have seen/read so far, I am very impressed. You are changing your behavior. You are going to be a better person. You will treat her like you would like to be treated - as equal.

Hang in there. Keep posting.

Fourth_Street,

My friends at the telephone company tell me getting actual text messages is nearly impossible. One told me they needed a court order to hand over what they had, and the phone company only keeps just very recent messages. They get wiped as space permits.
I was lucky as my WW has an iPhone, that syncs to a Macintosh.
The key is the iTunes syncing...during a sync it takes a snapshot of the entire phone, and stores it as a SQL db file. Now, you NORMALLY don't ever see this in iTunes, but IT DOES CAPTURE all texts and call transactions.
If you can get physical access to this Mac (or PC), the game is all over. Simply find the DB file "sms.db" and open it up with SQLite (a free reader) or do what I did, use MobileSyncBrowser by Vaughn Cordero (http://homepage.mac.com/vaughn/msync/), install on the WS's Mac (hide it somewhere, such in Utilities etc.), Now whenever WS syncs iPhone...go back to it and read EVERYTHING. To get my WS to sync (she never did) I told my DD to sync HER iPhone to her computer because there was an Apple upgrade (no lie). She overheard and synced hers THAT EVENING. Bingo. I just copied the files to my Mac and printed them out. Looks just like an iChat window with timestamps.
Vaughn is my hero.
Vaughn also makes a Windows version, but remember, YOU MUST HAVE ACCESS TO THIS COMPUTER.

I hope this helps...

-TC

TR,

Actually, I didn't need to. SHE TOLD THEM. They've been very supportive of ME ever since. Her Father hasn't talked to her since she told them. I talk to her Mother almost every day.
I have a new respect for her parents, and we've actually become closer through all of this.
Now, I'm no fool, blood is thicker than water, but they seem really sincere in helping us get back together. Her Mother says it will take time, but don't give up. Her sister also knows and has stated that she is squarely in my corner.

-TC

optin1,

Thanks for your support! It seems you and I have a lot in common (that may not be so good?). Yeah, I am feeling a bit better on the whole exposing. It adds a lot of pressure on my WS and hopefully that POS OM. (sorry about that, I'd rather express my pain this way instead of tearing his head off...I know, it takes TWO to tango, still...)

Currently about 1,500 miles away with my family. They all know, and have been excellent support. I've actually slept the past two nights 6-7 hours. Most I've had in a month. Reading and thinking about what I need to do has kept me busy, plus spending Quality time with my girls. (the small one is 9)

Crying? Goes in cycles. Haven't cried so much in my life. some days I just wake up crying. Or maybe in the shower, or my drive in to work. Its weird.

She doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me. At least not now. She took us to the airport and I bought our lunch while we waited for our flight. Made some small talk, she didn't talk much. As we walked to the gate she thanked me for buying lunch, I screwed up and said "you're welcome, I hope I you will let me buy your lunch again..." MISTAKE.
Should of said "thank you" and left it at that. Had to embellish it. Don't slam me, I know what I did wrong!

I'll try to get her involved but it might take a while. I know...subtle subtle subtle.

As far as the older daughter, she knows quite a bit, but I haven't exposed the OM to her, at least not directly. She knows, but hasn't asked specific questions. I'm going to leave it at that right now as I believe SHE needs to explain that.

While out of town, she has been texting my daughter a lot. Daughter returns by hitting her with specific questions such as "why didn't you tell Daddy goodbye?" etc. I don't want to be accused of using her as a way to get to my WS, but (indirectly) she certainly has been a powerful ally.

Thanks for all of your advise and support. This forum has been my lifeline!

-TC

Oh, I forgot to tell you...I am in IT too ! What's up with IT wives who turn out to be waywards ? j/k.


You know what. I never lost someone close to me in my life. Well, may be my grandfather and grandfather. But I didnt shed a tear. Also, I never cried ever since I was a kid. Let me rephrase. I dont remember the last time I had cried until the d-day. And then it began. I cried on and off....even sobbed at times...for a good 4 months like i said. I was stunned beyond anything. I was even amazed that I could cry so much and still get myself together when I was done crying ! The key thing is not to let emotions let you down the path of self-destruction. They are very powerful. Use them to your advantage in a postive manner. I did for most part. It worked wonders. I fell in love with my son. I took up new hobbies. People came to me and said "what's up with you ? You seem to inspire everyone around here"


I made several mistakes myself. Best thing you can do is to keep learning quickly. Hey, remember this is a life changing event for you. It is not that you go through this every day. You are learning yourself. But more importantly learn from others who have been there done that so to speak.



Be creative. Could start out as a family event and then just you two out on a date. Surprise her. Send her a date invite via email. Go out and have dinner. No talk about relationship or affair.

Be very patient (I know easier said than done) as you get through this.

Thanks for all the encouragement. The few friends that know about this all believe I should kick her to the curb...but even though my "Love Bank" has taken a hit, I still have deep feelings for this woman. Plus, I know too many families that shuttle their children between the two parents...you can't tell me that it doesn't affect them greatly.

I want to make this work for ME, and for THEM. It kills me that after 26 years together (21.5 married) she has turned so much against me. Guess our issues were deeper than I feared. Needless to say, this form and everyone on it has empowered me to march on, and keep up the fight.

optin1, I'll try your advice and see if I can't get her to join us on a family outing or two. I don't dare "ask HER out" anytime soon, only after I see some melting in the cold front. I see this upcoming summer as being a long, drawn out campaign!

I won't be back home until Monday, but my new confidence has being "loaded for bear" to face her again. Thanks for the boost!

-TC

You're doing fine, except that this one thing bothers me. At this point, you need to STEEL yourself, and STOP worrying about making her mad!

She is NOT your wife right now. She is an alien in your wife's body.

For this period, you need to be in war mode. Once you get your real wife back, you can work out your anger issues.

Yeah, you are SO RIGHT about being an alien in my WW's body!
It's like logic and reality have gone straight out of the door.
When you read about it in SAA and HNHN, it doesn't really sink in until you experience it first hand. When you confide with someone they just don't understand the WW's thought pattern...it is so strange. Most think she has gone crazy, and in way, she kinda has...

Anyway, I'll keep up the fight. Continue working on ME. Try to include her in family things, etc. Battles may have been lost but the war ain't over!

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement!

-TC

TriggerCat, I gotta give it to you. you are fighting for it. I like the Iphone thing. That alone might be enough reason for me to get my wife one. I think I have it easy compared most of you.
As for you bitterness toward OM. Brother, I am there with you. Don't do anything that will cause you legal trouble or prevent you from being with your children. But what the law says you can do and what the guy deserves....not the same thing.

NiteLite1,

I think my biggest enemy right now is patience...not my strongest virtue. This is going to take time and I'm not good at waiting. As I mentioned my girls and I have been out of town the last 4 days and I have been missing her badly. We've text a few times, small talk, but I've not heard from her today at all. Don't want her to think I really miss her...but I do.
I will say, the time away has been good, but I am already playing down the anticipation of seeing her. I know she will be no different from when I left...seems like an eternity to me, she probably feels no time has passed for her.

I don't know where this is going, but I know regardless I'm going to do all in my power to improve myself, and hopefully, my relationship with my children and (if God is willing) her.
Am I fighting for it? Hell yes. If I fail at least I tried, and I need to be able to look in my children's eyes and tell them, Daddy did EVERYTHING in his power to make things work with Mommy.
I have to keep telling myself that this could take
A
L O N G
T I M E .

Setbacks. I know for a fact that she emailed the OM today (his wife called me to inform me of this). That news shot another hole through my heart. I had to go back and read about additions/withdrawal in SAA. It hasn't even been a week since I turned over the rock and watched the bugs scatter. I don't like it, but I guess it's normal...plus his BS jumped all over the email, and called me.
I also learned this evening that my Mother has already planned to visit my WW's parents next week, to discuss the situation. With all this activity, I'm going to term this: multi-level pressuring. I'm hoping it helps bring her out of the fog!

Thanks to everyone for the support and great advice.
I'm hanging in there because of you!

-TC

Your mom seeing her mom will do nothing. Telling your DD that WW is dating OM will bring tremendous pressure on WW. Children handle the truth. Omitting the truth is the same as lying.

Back from trip, found her notebook in her car as I was carrying in luggage. Notes inside have got me really upset. Here is what she wrote:

How are custodial parents decided?

If I move out, with or w/o girls, is it abandonment?

Who files? Does it matter?

Am I entitled to 1/2 of his business?

Can I make him move out & pay for house expenses till divorce?

How is child support decided?

Should I be working past my scheduled 20 hours?

Can he hold my affair over me in court?

Time Share?

I carry the girl's insurance.

Does it matter he tacks my every move, phone calls, text messages, controls all the money?

I was hoping things would be quiet when I returned, it appears she has taken the time to prepare me for the slaughter.

I am in PANIC MODE now...what can I do to defuse this?

Am I totally screwed?!

This sinking feeling is worse than the day I found out!!!!

-TC

You need to Protect yourself by telling your Kids the truth and getting an Attorney.