I get alot of good advice on these boards.

Sometimes I'm surprised, though, to see how many wise counselors let it be known that they are just waiting until the youngest "turns 18", or "leaves home", or "parents are gone" and then they will divorce their WW.

I thought they were working on R, or had been R'd and now giving advice. Kind of unexpected to hear their D plans.

So, for whatever reason, how many of you are planning on staying married until _______________ and then going to D?

And for what reason are you staying married?

I would stay married forever. HOWEVER.... when my YS graduates in two years, it will be 4 years from D-day. I believe that's long enough.

I will have raised my children, given my H ample time to figure it out and come home, and be able to in good conscience seek whatever is next for me.

Why would anyone put themselves or their children through such h as to stay in a loveless M. I will never understand it.

DUDE

QA-

What I am not getting is WHY wait until then? Is H living with you? Are you still pursuing R and that is your deadline or???

Well, that is actually a great question.

Personally I'm not in a loveless M. I'm in a M where the one I married is sick and I'm giving G-d time to figure it out. If it was a loveless M. I would so be out of there.

Earlier this year I contemplated getting a divorce, actually had a court date an all. HOWEVER, I realized that for the most part, I am doing decent financially as things stand. There is no reason to head back into court when I could lose financially and make things harder on me and my son.

I made a choice to have children. I have two years left. I don't see myself being selfish enough to bring about a divorce during my son's last two years of school. He deserves the best that I can offer and all of my attention without the divorce being out there.


NO WH does not live with me. I do believe he has broken up with crack ho, but if there is contact I have no way of knowing. Yes, I want my M. I want recovery. Deadline..... that will be up to G-d.

I've been waiting for a good 4 years. It's been my goal, to wait til D18 left home. I was always full of complaints about H on another board I went to, and I was always talking about leaving as soon as D18 did. One person there recommended I come here, so I did, 18 months ago, fully still intending on leaving.

I have learned so much!

I still don't like my H all the time. In fact, I still hate him enough that sometimes I wish something would happen to him and he would never come home. But the more I fix myself, the more he responds, and I start seeing the guy I liked 30 years ago.

So at this point, who knows? Sometimes all I want to do is be alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I can see a future for us.

Wow Cat, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. (((Cat)))

Cat,
I'm also surprised - I didn't realize it was this way. I hope it works out for you both.

GG

***Putting on my trenchcoat*** Are you also a Kitty?

I believe that my children did not ask to be born, and it is my responsibility to give them the best up bringing I can.
What I do once I feel they are out of that time, is my business.

Wow, I never realized there were thoughts like this swirling around this forum. Bummer.

I guess I'm just a selfish jerk in that upon Dday I looked deep inside my soul and thought long and hard about what *I* wanted. Attempting to work on marriage had very little to nothing to do with my kiddos (sorry, just being honest).

I'd lived my life in giver mode for so long, and look where that got me. I'm doing this for *me.* Thankfully the A is done and OM is a gazillion miles away, and wife has good attitude. There is no timetable for Plan D...as of yet. Never say never.

((((big-manly-bear-hug))) to everyone just waiting...

I am waiting until my son graduates, which is next month.

I just think i can not get over the betrayal ever and it is not fair to either me or my H to continue to live in a marriage where i do not trust my H.

I've got basically a 6~10 year "wait" in front of me.

I want to clarify something though. I'm NOT in a "loveless M". I think the person who made that comment fails to realize that a good M depends on THREE important things, only one of which is love. The others are trust and commitment. Sure, I love my FWW. But I sense the trust and commitment, while there is some, just isn't enough anymore. At least at this point in time.

Who knows - in 6~10 years the situation might change for the better. I really don't know.

I so totally agree, i love my H very much and he loves me so i am not in a "loveless" marriage. However like the song says "sometimes love just ain't enough".

for all of you "waiting"...then why not just head to Plan D right now?

Childhood friends of mine lived through the "we are just staying together for the kids." Upon HS graduation it was straight to Plan D. My friends felt horrible and felt that their lives were a lie. I'm no counselor here, but wouldn't it be better to end things amicably, or at least let the kids know you are sticking in the marriage for *them*?

It's not that easy where I live.

I can no longer file under "adultery", having lived with her after exposure for more than six months.

I have to physically separate, for either two years (uncontested), or five (contested).

Our current financial situation makes the support of two households during that period basically untenable.

Plus, I'm hoping things will improve over the next few years.

Why put them through it now right when it is "their" time if you are not "miserable". I am not in an unhappy marriage, we have a pretty good life together.

I just can not get over the affair and feel like i will never trust my H again and that is no way for either of us to live. I do not have long to "wait", i do not know that i would "wait" if my children were younger.

This causes me great confusion and almost seems contradictory. I just don't get it.

Mind you, the reason I'm divorcing is not due to infidelity. It's due to alcohol & related abuse. But it's really not that different in the big picture.

My aunt & uncle waited till my cousin graduated, thinking it the right thing. He was devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. For YEARS it haunted him and mostly he had "failure to launch". He killed himself.

My mom "stayed for the kids" and is STILL married to my alcoholic, abusive, manipulative and generally unpleasant father. They are thinking retirement soon and I am confident none of us will ever truly KNOW my mother - and she will never actually experience happiness. And then there's her kids & the issues we have...

And in my own sitch, while it's ultimately my decision, I cannot imagine what would become of me if I stayed. I don't think I'd be doing my kids any favors - what does that teach them? Lay down & take it? FWIW, STBXH & I were also VERY "loving".

I don't know. Touchy subject for me, obviously. And I'm biased because I've been there. But...I'm biased because I've been there.

When I was in school, there was a boy whose parents stayed together "for him". He was really screwed up. He knew they weren't happy together and he knew they stayed together for him, so he blamed himself for their unhappiness. When they finally divorced, he was so much happier because they were finally happy in their own lives. Seems that a lot of parents don't realize how much their kids see and feel from the situation around them.