Hi everyone. I have been married for twenty eight years and have found out the last eighteen have been unreal. I loved my ws as much as all of you have loved yours. I found out that the first affair in 1990 never ended until his new 28 yr old ap insisted he tell me. That was in March 2008. He is now coming out of his newest tailspin and looking for comfort and solitude from me. We have been physicaly separated since I asked him to either end it or move out in Dec 2007.

We have businesses together that require both of us on the scene. It has been difficult to do any plan, but I beleive I have read sage advice on this forum and because of that I have gotten as far as I have.

I beleive he may be actually trying. Or I have been gas lighted again.

Dag

Hi Dag, welcome to MB. It's a great place to get help. What do you mean "his newest tailspin"? Another affair? Do you know who OW is? Do you want to save your marriage?

Hi Slick, I'm glad you were able to get your thread up and going!

This is a long time of deceit to get past, I'm sorry.
Do you have children, and do they know?

Have you considered phone counseling with the Harley's?

Hi PM:

Yes I want to save my mariage. His new tail spin started in Oct 2007, I found out about the never ending OTHER affair that started in 1990 never ended. I know both women.

We live in a tri commmunity and they are in two of them.
The newest (or for all that matters the oldest) had no one to expose to.

This sort of commuinication is very new to me, so I apologize
to everyone.

Thank you PM and you Vittoria for helping me get on line

Dag

I shouted loud and clear to all that did matter.

It's so good you started this thread.

Slick!

I am so glad you posted this thread. Welcome.

As Steve Harley said to me just a week ago, "Keep your seatbelt fastened. There is turbulence in the air but clear air follows".
Up and down, lots of hard work but you will come out all the better for it with or without him. It sounds like you have been doing a lot already and using MB methods. Here you can use the expert vets to hone your plan. We will all be here for you.

Did he have an affair with the same OW since 1990 or has he just continued having affairs since then?

Welcome.

sss

Yes it was the same woman for eighteen years. I really thought it was over. So much for my womans' intuition. The timing sucked when I learned the news. Smack dab in the middle of dealing with his new one. The roller coaster doesn't seem to coast much.
Also he admitted that he really was never faithful even before we were married. Thus my rality of all these years is skewed, so I have to ask what in the ## is real and what isn't.

I have HNHN and SAA. That was the first of things when I found this site even though I had enough self help crap from the last d-day. Ironically enough I packed them all in boxes about two years ago thinking it was just a nasty reminder. Our children know and and are fully grown away from home but are aghast from afar. Yes at the beginning I was a quivering mass, and yes I could survive without this. I would like to make that decision for myself however.

Thank you for presence.

Dag

I can totally relate to this. Knowing your entire reality, your entire married years were anything but what you thought. Vacation photos, videos, all kinds of family memories come crashing down. I do understand. That is a long long time to have an affair with the same person. This makes me so sad. Please take care of yourself.

It's like being trapped in a narcissist' mind...world.
Almost like a play.

Dag

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, or are they?

Hi Dag. I can't help you at all with trying to find a reality from your past, I can't find mine yet.

I am sitting back and watching what my FWH is doing and formulating what I need to continue my M. I have set some firm boundaries for him and let him know they are his life from now on. These are not to control him but to protect me and if he wants to stay with me he will abide by them and be able to prove to me he is doing so.

I am resisting the urge to roll forward very quickly. I want this to be put behind me but only as much as is wise. The harder I try to move it along the harder my falls are when they come. It is trying my patience but I do see progress so I will continue but try to pace it a little slower so I can continue to heal.

Has your WH been living apart from you or are you physically apart only sexually?

Where does he stand right now? Is he willing to think about why he has done this and formulate some extraordinary precautions to prevent the situations that allow him to do this? Is he willing to be open and totally honest? Would he be willing to be polygraphed? What about tracking him, taping him secretly, keystroke logging, letting you have his passwords? All these things will be important to you so that you can find some sturdy ground to stand on while you try to heal and heal your M.

I guess I would just say to you that your reality starts now? I don't know. Deal with the past but create your future. Your happiness depends on you. Call and make an appointment with the Harley's if you can. Even if it is just you and just once. It is really worth every penny. Maybe your WH would do this with you? You could also try the MB course.

I feel as if i were cut off... cordoned as to what my real life was. Why didn't I LOOK at the writing all over the wall. It most definetly was there. Did i choose to have my head up....?

Do i know myself or a am I the one who has the intamcy issues?
There are so many questions, they haunt me, and all I thought I beleived.

We are not physically or sexually together... it's just business although he is trying to charm himself back to me.
I have become more a cynic then I ever thought possible.Still I beleive he is off his rails. I am not or ever was a woman that let down house, home , children or for that matter SF. It is all his problem but i am left to try to flag up a fragile ego.
Ex musicians are always waiting for the groupies...as are all the other self professed gods on earth I suppose.

The burning question is, can he coordinate his flight path back? Or too far gone??. He understands that I am the reality, but does he want reality at this time?

Dag

You were cut off. Nobody looks for the one you love and who "loves" you to be the one to hurt you, they are supposed to protect you. There was writing all over my wall too and many others have said the same. You most likely did what I did and that was know inside what was going on, ask periodically and get reassured to your face and then you accepted it. Your head was not up your *** you just counted on someone who was supposed to be accountable. None of his choices to see other women are your fault.

The questions you mention are the growth questions. You have to know yourself, learn now and use what you learn to improve yourself to YOUR satisfaction. He has shown you his true colors so even if he does a dramatic change you will not be certain of it. You must be certain of yourself. As was told to me and I am just beginning to learn, recovery is very hard. You must know your boundaries to keep you safe and you must be strong.

Fragile ego? His? Nope, he has done the damage and he must heal you. How could he expect otherwise? I heard that crap for years. "I don't know what to do. *whine* You tell me, you show me. Can you write it down? If you do that for me then I can do it followed by...Well you told me what to do, can you make that happen? Set up the situations, lead me to them and then do them for me so I can take the credit for all your work to make me nice to you." There is a certain amount of work to let them know what you need but you need not be the only one working and frankly right now if he wants back he should be carrying the load.

Being a musician around musicians who raised musicians who works as a musician I know just what and who you are talking about. He has some work to do, lots of it to make this right with you but it certainly is a common problem with those who have groupies. He needs MB, he needs to learn from step one like GM did. Could you make MB a condition to working on your marriage? It would certainly help.

You have big questions here. Do you think he can coordinate his path? Even if he does will it be something sustainable? Will it heal you and create a more secure relationship? Is he remorseful? Is he willing to do whatever it takes for however long it takes or is he into temporary bandages?

I am going to bump this occasionally in hopes that some members who actually know what they are doing will help you. All I can say now is read as much as you can. I know you have been doing that but read it all again. In my state of mind when I came here it took many times reading things before they started to make sense and sink in.

Sorry, dupe. Computer hiccup.

You are doing great SSS. You know what you are doing. You've hit the ground running.

Regards,

Pep

Recognize any of that?

Thanks Pepperband. I guess there is a lot you can do even if you are not terribly steady on your own feet.

EDIT to add: I wanted to tell you that I love your new sig Pepper.

Bump back to the front page so others can read and help.

sss
Thank you so much for responding. "temporary bandages" that is his MO. I have stopped trying to lead him and he keeps knocking on that door. Finally a legal seperaton agreement is in the works after him stalling for half a year. It is a lot to break down and he is scared. These are not the terms I would like
to reconcile under ( threatening). Like all others say...
I know he still wants this life to be here when he is done.

And like your WH, he says "prove to me it can be done".
Where do they get that sense of entitlement ?

I am in a position that I can be very hurt again or carry my dignity off into the sunset.
The sunset looks lonely. I guess I am a Canadian goose.

Dag

Dag,

You HAVE to protect yourself. Dignity important but aside, I do not know how you could possibly take any more of this. He really has to get himself together but he is not going to do it, so there are a few things that I think you could do to give him a kick start (yes, a real kick would be fun but...).

Before I go on, I thought I read earlier in the thread that you did want to heal your M and try to make a go of it. Has that changed or is the separation you protecting yourself? If you are protecting yourself then YAY you!

That entitlement is really obnoxious and trouble. I can't imagine it myself but they sure are full of it.

So he wants to come back? You do not have to threaten him but you do have to be clear and determined to hold your own ground to protect yourself. He has to prove to YOU that he will do what is needed. He needs to know that he has a lot of work to do and he will have to do it with little to no reward for some time. Have you made a list of requirements you have as his wife?

You might also ask him if he would be willing to undergo a polygraph so that you will know the full truth so that you can make a decision based on your reality.

When you did your Plan A did you do the carrot and the stick?

Lonely has to be better than what he has given you so far.



Done with what? Fooling around and cheating and being an independent operator?

Where is his head right now? How does he want to come back?

sss

Yes..I do want to save my marriage. And my WH is a real player.
The ball is now in my court and i feel the strength of all that
have been before me on this forum have earned from setting their boundaries. The "LEGAL" separation agreement is protecting myself. My life is a house of mirrors... Can you relate?

I know your XWH seems to have the same personality glitches.
Everday is new surprise. He is still playing the game for all it's worth for as long as I will tolerate. I suppose after the strongest plan B I could do considering the the work enviroment
he came out scratching his head and really considering for the first time that I may not be here when he is done.

So here we are with him still liking the game and myself still saying I have had enough. At this moment I feel I am in a strong position but as we all know that changes daily

I will take all advice or all thrashings.

Dag

Yes, sadly I can relate and I think everyone else here can as well.

OK, so you want to save your M.

Now that the ball is in your court you must use it. Do not let him back in your home too early.

You really need others to help you figure out how best to do this without risking yourself.

I would think it would be a very good idea to make him NOT like the game. Does he have any idea how much he has hurt you? Is it really all a game to him? I am so very sorry, it hurts so much just to read that but it does sound like you made some progress before so perhaps he is reachable.

Why would anyone thrash you???


Glitches? You are waaaay too nice.

XWH threw me for a second. It is usually called FWH and the X is saved for an ex. If you need go to the Just Found Out forum and there is a list of these for you to use.

Have you talked to him about MB? What was his response?