My wife discovered my affair with a co-worker five days ago. She sent me an article from this site about the need for honesty. I took it to heart and reluctantly told her the truth about the affair and of a previous one night stand. I also admitted that I used to chat online with other women all the time.

I am attempting to make amends and changes. I cut all contact with the other woman. We still work at the same location but I can avoid her. Unfortunately, I have two more months before I can transfer away. I have told her that I want her to monitor my computer use and my cell phone. I think she thinks I am just trying to say the right things and will still do it anyway.

Everything that I read is about what the BS should do. I am finding very little information about what the WH should do. I love my wife dearly and should have never done the things that I have done. She has told me that she loves me but have ruined what she "thought" we had together. She thought we were the couple that that would never happen to. I do no want to err again.

What advice is there for me? Will she ever look at me the same again?

A good guy who did a terrible thing.

it's late im tired. answer her questions, be honest, send NC letter, have wife approve it and send it, allow access to monitor your cell and computer, let wife know where you are at all times.

I have this perfect image in my head of you struggling to stay awake but still typing ... good heart.

Idiot,

Tell your employer about the A and get that transfer for Monday.

NC, absolute NC has to be in place. Every time you go to work, your wife will be ripped apart with fear and more distrust.

She will never heal as long as there is contact with OW, even if you believe it is avoidable.

Get the books, Surviving an A (for your BW), His Needs Her Needs and Lovebusters (for the both of you).

Read up on boundaries in M, yours are very, very weak. Fix them.

Send your BW here if she is willing, this is a rotten and vile thing to go through alone.

You had better have told her everything. Spewing little bits here and there is cruel, it only hurts more, not less.

I'm tired too.

I have told her everything. I am headed to the bookstore today.

I am a teacher and leaving my second grade class is not really an option. I wish I could make the OW leave. She is just a sub there. It was her husband that told my wife about the affair. You would think that he would not want her to work with me.

I also don't how to tell my wife that my EN were not being met without making it seem like the A was her fault. She believes that whenever I was with her I was thinking that I wanted to be with the OW or on the computer. Which isn't when I was with her and she was attending to my EN I never even thought of the OW or being online.

There is a lot you can do to improve your marriage, which will lead to getting your needs met.

IIWY, the first thing I would do is ask her for the two of you to move forward with complete and utter honesty. What does that look like? It looks like you can feel free to say "I don't feel like you want to go hiking with me and I wish you did" and she feels free to say "I don't like hiking. Can we think of something else we can do together that meets that same need and we both enjoy?"

What that did is you BOTH now understand what the other likes and is thinking, and that NEITHER of you got offended by what the other said, so that BOTH of you will feel safe to be honest from now on, and that you can feel like you're moving toward happiness - TOGETHER.

Communication.

She just sent me an email saying she thinks there is more than what I have told her. She asked for details about the two relationships. I gave them to her. Will we get through this? Is any wayward spouses out there that have survived to never cheat again that can help me? I know that I am ultimately to blame but cheaters don't cheat when everything is perfect do they? My wife believed that all was great in our marriage and I ruined that for her.

ID,

It is possible to have a great M after one spouse commits adultery, admits that they were selfish to their own needs,

thoughtless to the care and protection of their BS and family, and had very weak

boundaries to prevent something like this from happening.

This great M may not happen for a few years, how long are you willing to commit to fixing yourself and repair your broken BW?

It certainly doesn't help that you did not confess on your own, you were ratted out by OWH. Kudos to him.



While both of you are responsible for 50% of the state of your M, you are 100% responsible for having an A.

There are always choices if you are in a weak M. Choices to help the M.

Deciding to lie and live a secret life is not a way to fix a M.

You were concerned with only your needs, more than once.

There are some FWS's who will be of great help to you.

Why don't you ask the mods to move this thread over to GQII where there are more eyes viewing.

You said that your wife sent you to this website. Does she have a screenname? You must quit your job if you cannot transfer. Talk to your employer and let them know what happened. If you don't talk to your employer, your wife should. She will need proof that your employer knows. Exposure at work is mandatory. No contact with the OW under any circumstances must be maintained and it must start Monday. You will have to prove everything for a very long time, years probably. Your wife will not believe anything you say just without proof. That is a consequence of lying to her and betraying her trust. You can recover your marriage but you must not have any contact with OW for the rest of your life. You must also do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help your wife heal from this injury. She will not get over this without your full cooperation for a long time. Be prepared to spend years fixing this mess. Please continue to post any questions that you may have. There are a lot of people here that have been through this that will help you if you are being honest. If you are lying here, you will be only prolonging the pain and suffering that you have caused your wife. Please be sincere - whatever is really going on.

Your BW will ask you lots of questions, for a long time. She will ask the same questions over and over, and she will probe for the same information in different ways. Answer every one of her questions completely and honestly and patiently. Don't ever omit anything or tell a little white lie "to protect her" or "to spare her feelings." Don't ever say "I've told you this before..." -- just answer the questions as many times as she asks, for as long as she asks.

When a person is betrayed by their spouse, it's a huge trauma. It's been compared to a rape or the death of a child. It is HUGE. One of the things your BW does to adjust to this trauma is talk about it and ask questions. She faces it over and over until it loses its power and its bite. Victims of hurricanes or other natural disasters do the same thing. They talk repeatedly about where they were, what they saw, how they felt. Eventually they wear it out. Your BW needs to do this, too, and she needs your help.

Furthermore, your BW has to deal with the fact that what she "knew" about you is not true. When she "knew" how you felt, what you were doing, where you were going.... all untrue. She is not only doubting your honesty (with good cause) but also her ability to judge character and recognize reality. She has to ask questions and get consistent answers over time in order to re-build her reality and regain her confidence in her ability to know what is real and to make good decisions and judgments.

Every time you go to work your wife is suffering and dying inside. If your wife were suddenly diagnosed with a life threatening disease and had to be treated in a far-away state NOW for several weeks or die, do you think you could leave your job? How is that different from what you are going through now? How important is your marriage to you?

Yes, cheaters do cheat when everything is "perfect." And cheaters cheat when everything is close to "perfect." You are a multi-time cheater, two of the times were physical affairs and others were on-line emotional affairs.

You really need to take a look at your Boundaries and need to put in place Extraordinary Precautions in order to save your marriage.

Get this idea out of your head right now that your wife's actions or inactions had anything to do with causing your affairs.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, glad you are here.

Id-10-t

Now What? The rest of your life.
Now What? Recovery.
Now What? What do you want?

This:

No. But if you do this right, she might even look at you better.

Of course she doesn't belive that you "told her everything" because you haven't. She will stop asking you to be "told everything" when you have told her everything. Find "joseph's letter" on this site. It can give you a clear reading of what the WS can do to come clean to the betrayed spouse.

BTW? My A continued for 4.5 years. So, I know of which I speak.

Being "told everything" means that she asks a question and gets the same answer. She gets no pauses, or umm, or BTW, or I forgot.... Just answer the questions. Answering from a place of honesty is very difficult after you have been lying for so long.

If you come back, search for my threads, just click on my name. Read some of the stuff. I will be straight with you. Be ready to be humbled. Everything that you held dear is about to be challenged.

Book the next MB weekend. There is probably one in the summer. YOU BOOK IT. YOU MAKE ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS. Got a golf weekend planned that weekend? Cancel it. Show your wife the actions you are going to TAKE to fix this, and prove that your no longer that person who found others.

How do you address you unmet EN's? By giving her ALL HER EN's and meeting them ALL THE TIME. You will surprised at how suddenly your EN's start getting met.

Oh, and another BTW, its easier to keep seeing the OW and let your marriage explode. Really it is. You will be a loser and a cheat and part time Dad, but that was the result of the choices we made. Recovery is real PITA. Much harder. But OH SO Worth it.

LG

OW shows up at work today. She is only a substitute aid and can find work at other schools in the district. I immediately let my wife know. Actually seeing the OW just makes me realize that I have made the biggest mistake in my life. I really don't want to see her at all. My wife called the other BS. I am trying everything I can make amends. I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness not my wife. I see my wife everyday and miss her so much. I was such an [censored] for not communicating better with her.

Thanks LG

I needed that

I:

Is this all ya got?


We need MORE than that if you want help saving this.

LG

I:

Got your fix today, huh?

Have a chat with your principal. Make sure she doesn't come to your school anymore. She can go to other schools.

Yep.
You gotta do it.

LG

[T/J]


LG, do you honestly believe that there is no forgetting? That the PEA poisoning doesnt mess with memory? You can reply on my thread if you would rather not do it here.

[/T/J]

Lil:

There are things that could be critcally important to you as the BS, that the WS just doesn't want to admit too. So therefore, it becomes, "I forgot"

PEA Poisoning be damned. There is a world of difference between not being able to remember, and "I forgot"

I can't remember what I had for lunch three days ago, and "I forgot" I did the OW last week.

No, I didn't. I just don't want to tell YOU about it. Because you don't know about that TIME.

That it was in the Van we own.
That we used little billys blanket to do it on.
I was supposed to be at that Church Social, instead I was...
When you called, and I answered, I lied about where I was.
I didn't say "I Love You" when I hung up because OW was there.

Do I have to continue?

There is no "I Forgot" if your going to be repentant, and really want to save your marriage. Idiot has already shot this marriage full of holes, and its on life support. The only thing that will save it is if he breathes oxygen into it.

No T/J Lil. Idiot has a chance.

If he reads my "Its Curtains for LG" thread, he will realize what he has to do.

LG

wasnt really thinking of Id10t, but I hope he takes heed.

thanx LG

Can you give me a link to the start of " Its curtains for LG" thread I can't seem to navigate to the beginning of it.

My BW emailed me about her anger towards me. She also expressed great concern about my well being. Despite everything I have done to her she cares enough still to worry about me and if I am depressed.

I wrote back (partial quote):

"Don't worry about me! Take care of yourself, I will be fine. I want to give you any support YOU need to get through this. My job is to support you through this because I caused it. It is not your job to worry about me! "

I also told her that she should talk with a counselor. She says that she feels dizzy and sick. I need to find someway to help her.

Can the mods please move this to the general questions II forum?