Some of you have followed my posts. W's affair is over, but no openness to reconciliation; divorce still on and almost done. Then 2 days ago, she wrote me, indicating an interest in dialoguing.....This was in response to a letter by me recently. Any thoughts?<BR> Pray-er's, please pray!

Doc,<BR>I see signs of life ! Try CPR to see if you can save the patient !<P>Just hang in there and try for some dialogue !

Prayers we can always do. If ever in need all you have to do is ask.<P>Knock and it shall be opened unto you.<BR>Ask and yee shall receive.<BR>Seek and yee shall find.<P>Not sure about the order but you get the message.

We talked on the phone for half an hour last night. Although she is the betrayer, all she really seems interested in is what I am going to do to make reconciliation a possibility she will even consider. This seems backward (she had the affair, she filed for divorce, she has written off our marriage), but from what I've read typical. Talk about unfair!<BR> It is very difficult to relate to her without just being furious, blaming, hurt, agitated. I am willing to address my "stuff" in the marriage - I've given lots of words to that effect in writing and verbally - but it feels completely one-sided at this point. She will perhaps consider reconciliation if I demonstrate some kind of change - so I feel like I am on trial every time we talk. I'm sure others have experienced this! Any thoughts??

She's asking abou t reconciliation so that's good. Now sit down and think of what you BOTH need to do to make reconciliation a possibility.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

doc-<BR>My H is doing some of the same kind of stuff. I don't know if it will amount to anything. But he seems interested in 'negotiating' a way to come home that allows him to save face. He's talking about coming home, but making it clear that he won't participate in any marriage-building activities. He's not apologizing, and not making any promises about change. <P>Even though I've said over and over again that I recognize my part in our marriage and I'm willing to change, I think he is driven by guilt. Blaming us allows them to deflect some of the guilt. <P>If you can put your own needs on the shelf awhile longer, let her do all the blaming she needs to do right now. If it gives her a way to return to the relationship with her self-respect intact, then eventually she'll be able to stop blaming you. At least I hope that's how it works. I'm not sure I'm willing to take the risk anymore. <p>[This message has been edited by Animac (edited October 21, 1999).]

animac<P>A very wise post. Born of long-suffering and patience. It does almost seem like there is a quantity of self-centeredness that needs to be expended before my W can begin to think, "Hmmm... I wonder what the last 10 months have been like for my husband. I bet that affair wasn't much fun for him."<P>You make a lot of sense when you write that blaming me might make it easier for her to return with a sense of self-respect. <P>Are you a Christian? I have found the entire book of 1 Peter to be stunningly helpful to me. Where we are encouraged, for the sake of and according to the example of Christ, to return insult with blessing. It is an awesome perspective, one that requires divine help!<P>Sounds like you are in the middle of this. It is so hard to keep perspective, hope, and patience when it feels so unfairly one-sided. It requires grace to continue and/or wisdom to know when to not continue. I prayed for you today.

I see a flicker of light. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Doc,<BR>I'm going thru the same thing. W almost acts like I held a gun to her head and forced her to go live with a married om.<P>She has said she is remorseful, but I haven't seen it.<P>I guess they do have to save some face somehow, but why do we betrayeds have to take the brunt. I sometimes feel like i'm the one that had the affair and am trying to make it up to her.<P>I will have to read 1 Peter.<P>------------------<BR>

Doc - amazing, aren't they?<P>I've heard that my H is looking for a pride-saving reason to return home. Even waiting for my job to end so that he can rush home to "save" us rather than, well, you know.<P>I do see a glimmer of hope here. How much can you take (or maybe the better word is "give"}? It's your call.<P>You're in my prayers.<P>Lori

All of you have some hard-won wisdom in the trenches of living with an unfaithful spouse. We sure didn't imagine we were signing up for this years ago at the wedding, did we?<P>You've encouraged me to stay the course, whatever that means - and that course changes every day!<P>My W seems to want me to basically do it all right now. Maybe that's okay. Maybe she is like a person in a body cast after a car accident (even if the "accident" was her fault for driving with her eyes closed at 40 miles per hour above the speed limit!)<P>Isn't it amazing how we continue, despite our anger and even hatred at times, to deeply love our wandering spouses? Is that God in us or what??

hi doc, none of us ever could have imagined this when we married! Gads, just the thought of signing up for pain like this is too much.<BR>My h is home, but before he came home there was a lot of negotiating. He needed to come home with his head held high, and he wanted to be asked to come home. That changed as time neared to his return...and I think it was due to his illness? He needed to be cared for and he knew that I would take care of him best. The tables turned and he was asking to please come home so he could show us that he is a great h and father. <BR>Then I wonder how much of it is his control thing. He had total control in the other realtionships, but has never really felt he had it at home.

I am in the middle of our divorce. When I discovered the proof of his affair that has been going for a yr now, I put his things on the driveway and said don't come home. After 21 days I filed, as he didn't know what he wanted. Having separated 2yrs ago for 6months (no affair then, it was the begining of MLC) I was not willing to put my life on hold again. Now after the first pre-trail he is calling and saying he is thinking about me on our anniversary, no cards or flowers though. He thinks I am getting rid of him quickly. I said he has been gone for 3 months that he wanted his new life and I am ready for mine. He said he never wanted a new life. That I have him backed into a croner. He has only talked to me for a total of 2hrs in the last 3months. He does not ask to work things out, he doesn't ask to get together and talk and he still has her working in our restaurant, and still sees her as far as I know. He can't divide our possession as his mind won't allow him. I told him to write what he wants he can't he says, due to his hand shaking. I hate to throw our life away but I am not begging him to come home as I did 2yrs ago. This time he has to face the responsiblity. I let him come home last time without asking, he just slid back and never was said or addressed. I made all the changes not him. We did see a counselor back then. This time nothing. I don't know if he really wants to work things out or he is just afraid or the legal aspect of splitting the business. I want hope and yet he gives me none that I am aware of. Is there something I don't see?

I am in the middle of our divorce. When I discovered the proof of his affair that has been going for a yr now, I put his things on the driveway and said don't come home. After 21 days I filed, as he didn't know what he wanted. Having separated 2yrs ago for 6months (no affair then, it was the begining of MLC) I was not willing to put my life on hold again. Now after the first pre-trail he is calling and saying he is thinking about me on our anniversary, no cards or flowers though. He thinks I am getting rid of him quickly. I said he has been gone for 3 months that he wanted his new life and I am ready for mine. He said he never wanted a new life. That I have him backed into a croner. He has only talked to me for a total of 2hrs in the last 3months. He does not ask to work things out, he doesn't ask to get together and talk and he still has her working in our restaurant, and still sees her as far as I know. He can't divide our possession as his mind won't allow him. I told him to write what he wants he can't he says, due to his hand shaking. I hate to throw our life away but I am not begging him to come home as I did 2yrs ago. This time he has to face the responsiblity. I let him come home last time without asking, he just slid back and never was said or addressed. I made all the changes not him. We did see a counselor back then. This time nothing. I don't know if he really wants to work things out or he is just afraid or the legal aspect of splitting the business. I want hope and yet he gives me none that I am aware of. Is there something I don't see?

I am in the middle of our divorce. When I discovered the proof of his affair that has been going for a yr now, I put his things on the driveway and said don't come home. After 21 days I filed, as he didn't know what he wanted. Having separated 2yrs ago for 6months (no affair then, it was the begining of MLC) I was not willing to put my life on hold again. Now after the first pre-trail he is calling and saying he is thinking about me on our anniversary, no cards or flowers though. He thinks I am getting rid of him quickly. I said he has been gone for 3 months that he wanted his new life and I am ready for mine. He said he never wanted a new life. That I have him backed into a croner. He has only talked to me for a total of 2hrs in the last 3months. He does not ask to work things out, he doesn't ask to get together and talk and he still has her working in our restaurant, and still sees her as far as I know. He can't divide our possession as his mind won't allow him. I told him to write what he wants he can't he says, due to his hand shaking. I hate to throw our life away but I am not begging him to come home as I did 2yrs ago. This time he has to face the responsiblity. I let him come home last time without asking, he just slid back and never was said or addressed. I made all the changes not him. We did see a counselor back then. This time nothing. I don't know if he really wants to work things out or he is just afraid or the legal aspect of splitting the business. I want hope and yet he gives me none that I am aware of. Is there something I don't see? I have tried Plan A hile he was home and I knew of the affair in my gut. I have tried Plan B for the three months basically. I have not called in or if I do, it is leavings msgs before the business opens.