Of course I would go back, I would do just about anything to have avoided this pain.

If I could go back the biggest thing I would have changed would be to educate myself on affairs...how and why they happen, and I would have worked with FWH to establish boundaries and make d*mn sure he understood how they worked.

Our relationship today is different than it was pre-A. FWH treats me much better, we spend all of our free time together, he tells me he loves me about 100 times a day (no kidding).

Without the A, he would probably be still engaging in IBs and spending all of his free time on himself...rather than on me and our family.

He would still be refusing to use POJA and telling ME that I am just selfish and don't want him to have any fun. And I would be spending a lot of time being hurt and resentful, which made me a not-very-nice-wife.

So like I said, our M is very DIFFERENT now...and in many ways it is BETTER.

But for now, that's being overshadowed by the hurt and pain from his A and so I can't really see the forest for the trees.

I too would go back prior to the M. It has been a rocky M the entire time and I ignored red flags (yes even my own behaviors) just prior to getting married. We both needed to mature at the time. I do love him but it has been a very tough 18 years (this Sept.). I do not for one minute regret my children though.

ETA: I would go back and undo my own bad choice to have a A first and foremost.

Me and my EXWW are two people that never had any business being together. We were fundanetally different people from the get go. I loved her anyway and would have continued until the day I died. It might have happened if I would have found this place a little sooner.

Today, I have the son I always wanted and I never knew life could be this good.

I only want to move foward

I am plagued by all the little things I could have done differently to prevent the brief PA portion of H's A. I suspect, however, that if I had done that, he might have worked harder to find an AP where we live instead of 1000's of miles away.

If I really had that magic wand, I'd go back to the months before H's midlife crisis went nuclear and find MB and have H and I work to get our M to the point where it is today.

I'd also get him into therapy instantly in the hopes of avoiding the worst of the MLC.

Since all of this is just wishful thinking, I focus instead on how awesome a batch of lemonade we've made out of the lemons we had.

You really think therapy can do that much to an MLC. Sadly, watching my H's MLC, I dout therapy can actually prevent it from reaching its' eventual destined depth of misery.

I wouldn't change a thing.

My life has changed for the better because of it.

I fancied myself a strong person before the A but I am even stronger now.

As far as I'm concerned, this is the way it was supposed to happen. It was definitely a giant wake-up call from God.

Charlotte

I would have liked to have found this site 5 years or more before I did. I found it in time to head off the big affair that I think was in my Wifes near future as we were drifting apart and I was meeting few of her needs.

But those years of our marriage could have been much better I regret that loss of quality.

NJ

I am amazed that there (so far) 24 responses to totallty this stupid question.

Sorry, JMO.

In a heartbeat. Just like all of the others I would have been listening so much closer, and tearing down the walls before they got built so high.

I don't know.

Probably - I'd prolly pay more attention to the Wookie's depression after his mother passed away...

But then, we'd be missing out on two VERY important human beings - the WORLD would be missing them too because their existence makes everything much more sparkly and fun.

It's kinda like asking if I'd marry my exh knowing then what I know now. I probably wouldn't, but then I wouldn't have that hairy legged 19 year old that has my eyes AND a wicked fun sense of humor.

White Russian,

I do think therapy would have been the best shot at avoiding the worst of the MLC. After much discussion and thought, H and I have realized he has serious unresolved issues and regrets surrounding his life from junior year in high school through the time he finally got his act together during his second attempt at college. He started smoking pot in HS and turned into a different person. He had so much potential that he could not realize in his state, both academically and socially. To make matters worse, his father died before H got his act together, and I think it pains him deeply that his father never got to see that.

For both H's 20th and 30th HS reunions, he took the lead in planning and rallying the troops to attend despite the fact that we live many 1000's of miles away. The 20th didn't cause problems due to life circumstances. In planning the 30th, H was already a mess, the internet allowed him to have a secret second life, and other circumstances (including the fact that his favorite HS/college band reunited and went on tour) led to a perfect storm of events that fueled his MLC and made the A possible. H OBSESSED over his reunion, started a long-distance EA with one of his classmates, and consummated the A while at the reunion. Less than a month after the reunion, the MLC started to subside because the events that had been fueling it were over. H lost interest in the OW and began distancing himself from her at that time.

There is a Jungian psychologist named James Hollis who has written wonderful books on this topic. My favorite is "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life." It really offered an explanation for H's insane behavior. It's one thing to look at someone and know they're having a MLC based on their behaviors (H exhibited almost all the typical ones, minus the red sports car), and it's another thing to understand why it's happening.

Dont want a magic wand to erase any thing.

My life is stonger and better beacuse I survived. I love the MB lessons , they have made me wake up and be more present and aware of my relationships and my role in growing, nurturing and protecting them (and myself) from harm.

Perhaps there are easier ways to "get here" without the pain that comes with dealing with being a BS. For me however this is how I got here and I am happy to be here on this side of the fence.

Onward and forward stronger than before continuing to work on personal recovery and working daily towards finding personal happiness and contentment and enrichment with my relationships with my DH and for that matter all the relationships in my life.

I wish I could go back even further, to the time I first met my XW. I wish I had known what to look for in detecting personality disorders. Heck I wish I had heard of personality disorders.
But, on the flipside , I guess it was worth it, as I have beautiful kids.

Wannamoveforward,

Knowing that there is no magic wand, your post describes me to a T with one exception. I'd already been through so much in my life that I knew I had the strength to deal with H's MLC and A. Congrats on making it to one year and one day past d-day!

Thanks bea16
Its nice to have time between D-day and today. I feel pretty wobbly still and my knees sometimes feel like they might buckle under the pressure but each day that passes and I am able to live life and find a reason to smile is a great day.
The one year mark has been hard, I'm glad to have it behind me, another thing to check off as having survived.
Even prior to the A, I always saw me as a strong person, its one thing I am confident of and yet when I was hit with the pain of the A in the immediate timeframe it seemed unsurvivable.
It took a lot of willpower and dragging to help myself get out of that dark place of feeling crushed. I think some of the things that saved me are :
1) Knowing that I loved my H and that we could have a good relationship .
2) Me not feeling (nor carrying forward) any anger towards OW, I see that some of the newly found out BS's have a tough time not falling into that trap and a lot of recovery energy is wasted and bled away keeping that anger alive.
3) Finding this MB board and seeing that there is recovery possible. Posting my own thread and reading a lot of the other posts I found that many things sank in and helped. Perhaps not the first time I read when but when I came to that phase in the cycle I benefitted tremendously from what the vets have to say to me or others. Everytime I doubt myself and wonder if its REALLY possible to have a COMPLETE recovery, being here in this forum helps me feel postive again.

Hats off to those to stay on long after they are recovered to help others who need a lifeline. They make more of an impact than many of them realise.

I wish my H would really begin to pull out of MLC. I have read that they can last 2-4 years... UGH. There has been progress, but the slow rate of it is killer. I miss MY H. And I'd still love to light college f---buddys hair on fire, too GRRR!

Wannamoveforward,

What a beautiful post! You have expressed my own feelings so eloquently. The only exception this time is my feelings toward OW, but I'm working on it. I'm contemplating starting a separate thread to address those issues with out totally t/jing this one.

White Russan,

My H had been in a mild MLC for a year or two before the perfect storm came along and caused the MLC to go nuclear. It started to subside after the reunion and then d-day really jolted him out of it. There are still some lingering bits of it remaining, but even those are falling away as he makes amends to all those he hurt. Nothing makes me happier than hearing him say he feels normal again. Know that your husband has been in a tremendous amount of pain. It's no excuse for an A, but at least it's an explanation.

I would have said thanks, but no thanks after the first date 39 years ago.

I would not have dated a nonChristian with a whole different moral standard than mine.

I would not have allowed him to continue in and out of my life over 6 years. I would have said, piss or get off the pot!

I would have sought counsel to replace that lacking from my parents.

I would have given more thought to character and integrity rather than "feelings."

I would have not been ashamed to consider counseling earlier in my marriage even though NO ONE I knew had EVER gone to a therapist.

I would have set up boundaries (unheard of when I married) and told him that not dealing with these issues was a deal breaker.

If I had known, I would have never married someone who didn't love me.

I dont think that an A nor the recovery from it can fix a marriage that has huge hole like that.
The pain from the A brings into the open wounds like that and give the injured party permission to voice them and an opportunity to heal themselves and perhaps learn how to have better future relationships .
Either way its an empowering lesson to learn whether it helps you current M or any other future relationships. Thats the only positive that I see from having to be set on fire and then emerging from it.