Offer to take a polygraph exam so she can know she's got the whole story. You do the leg work; find the places and call around to see how much they cost, when they can schedule an appointment, and what guidance they have on formulating the questions.

memorize this:

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to heal this marriage."

and mean it

If this is true, then you will IMMEDIATELY talk with the principal and tell him of the affair. You will ask him to ensure that OW will not be at your school again. If he cannot make that assurance, then take a leave of absence or quite and find another job.

Why are you making the children you teach more valuable than your wife?





OF COURSE she feels dizzy and sick. She has just suffered to most traumatic thing she probably ever will in her life. Dr. H says that for some BS's, the betrayal of infidelity is more painful than rape or the death of a child.

You wanna know what she's facing?

Triggers will hit her out of nowhere and consume her. She'll feel like she can't breathe and the world will spin.
She will have no appetite and may vomit at times after eating--most of us lose 20+ pounds in a matter of a few weeks.
She will not sleep well and may have nightmares about you and OW
She will see visions in her head of you and OW.
Even when she seems "fine", the affair will be playing in her mind continuously for a very, very long time.






Then I suggest you read and learn everything you can about Dr. H's program and start working YOUR end of if without expecting her to work her end right now.

I suggest you take an immediate leave of absence from work if the principal cannot assure OW will not be called there.

Change your cell phone number and email and any other avenue you have used for your affairs.
Write a NC letter that your wife approves and mails herself.
Get Dr. H's books Surviving an Affair, Love Busters, and His Needs Her Needs and start working!
Better yet, schedule an appointment with the Harleys or sign up for the online seminar.
Answer every question your wife asks you honestly and openly without being resentful.
Expect this to takes years to recover from.

ID,

The best thing you can do for your wife is be honest with her. Account for your time. Stay off the computer. Let her rage and scream at you when she needs to. You deserve it. All waywards need to be shown how their selfishness affected their spouse. I needed to know when I was in your shoes. Answer all her questions and get it out now. Don’t make her beg for information that will just humiliate her more.

Also find out why you keep doing these things. If you have sloppy boundaries establish firm ones. Stop talking to other women about your personal life. If you are just not monogamous, then get out of this marriage. You can't keep doing this to your wife.

Soon you will have to address the work situation. It will be so much harder for you to rebuild your relationship with your wife if you have constant reminders of the other woman . . . like seeing her. And it will surely hurt your wife. Even when you don't see her at work it will worry your wife. What do you think your student’s parents would think of you if they knew what you have been up to? Do you think they would want you instructing their children? What would the principal think?

Send your wife here. She needs a support group.

You don't. Fill out the EN questionnaires and NEVER her tell her that your needs not being met had anything to do with it. There are plenty of people on her whose ENs are not being met they do not cheat.


Cheaters cheat no matter what. They cheat because they are selfish and think of no one but themselves. You need to focus on meeting your wife's EN and you will find that you get more of your ENs met. Stop being selfish if you want to save this M.



Yes, you did. You need to start WORKING on your M (meeting your BWs most important ENs). If you stop worrying about yourself and focus on your BW, you might end up in a better M than you ever imagined.

I:

Here you go:
Curtains Thread

LG

I see you have not answered anyone about talking to your principal at work. Is this because you don't want to do this? Do you have a morals clause for employment? Are you afraid of losing your job or just what people will think at work? Is it possible to move schools or school districts at the end of the year so that there will definitely be no acccidental contact at work? Have you written a NC letter to OW? There are examples here on this website and in the book Surviving an Affair. This is so important.

Our M is at the one year point after D-day. In our case, there was intermittant contact at work until H left his job about 90 days after discovery. This period of time was extremely difficult and almost caused the end of our M, even though the physical part of the A was done.

If I could give some important pieces of advice, they would be
1) ensure there is no contact between you and OW
2) answer any and all questions honestly and thoroughly
3) repeat over and over what Pepperband suggested - do anything for as long as it takes to recover the M.
4) forget your own discomfort and focus on what you can do for your wife.


Best wishes.

AM

I drafted a letter and gave it to my wife this morning. I am afraid if I tell my principal that it is either me or her that there could be implications for a sexual discrimination suit. Although, I don't believe OW is bright enough or has the resources to pull that off. I am not afraid to tell the principal as matter of fact I believe that I would be rather cathartic as I have not told anyone yet. I really don't care what people think. I know that I am trying to save this marriage that is hanging on by a thread.

I broke down after reading everyone's post last night. I cried for the first time since d-day. My wife apologized for writing an email that she was angry at me. I was actually glad she was angry with me. Because she angry with me, I know that she still loves me.

Tell the principal and let the chips fall where they may, this is a consequence of selfish behaviour.

You haven't told anyone .... who does your BW have support from?
Apologize to both your families and your children, you have betrayed them as well.
Putting on a false impression of a loyal H is betrayal, IMO.

Be accountable to others, that is really good step in this journey.

Please tell your BW not to apologize for being angry, she has that right to own the anger and distraught that you have caused.

Keep posting ID, read, absorb and DO.