Cat - It's okay. You have a lot of built up resentment over the years, and I think that predisposes a person to be hypervigilant to even little transgressions.

Just keep trying. ((Cat))

Thanks. I think it popped out because he rarely remembers birthdays, and in 30 years, he has never caught on to the fact that Mother's Day and Father's Day are on Sundays, despite us discussing it several times. It's just not in his realm of 'things to be aware of.'

I mean, he tries, I'm not complaining and he nearly always does something for things like Mother's Day. It's just almost never what I ask for, and always with a catch like that.

I'm filling out a list today of things that I would like from them - cleaning up paint spills from 3 months ago, weeding flower beds, digging the weedblower out of the garage, cleaning the garage (and I wrote 'without me' next to that, lol).

I still feel bad for saying 'duh' to him. I'll have to apologize for it later.

Two of my sisters get nothing, usually, for Mother's Day. I always feel bad for them.

The things I would like actually are big ticket lawn tools, and they should really come out of an operations/maintenance fund. He tried to get me a leaf blower today for Mother's Day - a model that's about $350 cheaper than the model I am willing to save for. I said no thanks. He got upset because I wouldn't take his word that it's a good model. Sorry - I want something that's going to get the job done fast - a model that is really powerful and has a good warrantee.

I knew these larger items were out of our reach financially right now, so I really didn't even seriously consider them anyway. Instead, we went to Lowe's and a second lawn and garden store looking for a particular perennial I wanted and couldn't find. I started to feel rushed, frustrated, and resentful, and I really love this time of year when I can meander through garden places. I settled for $6.34 worth of annuals and a hotdog for lunch.

I get tired of his acting like he's all flustered and upset because I won't give him an easy out with this birthday/Mother's Day/Christmas idea stuff. He's had weeks to take the kids out and get something, and I get to feel like a frustrating inconvenience.

I will content myself with planting what I have and saving for what I really want. That's reality around here. I am just glad I had the insite to budget for and get each of our mothers something nice.

And of course now I feel bad for complaining. What I neglected to mention is that I'd spent over $100 on perennials/annuals last week for the house anyway, so I will just chill now. Maybe I'm just spoiled.

No. The point is that MD is supposed to be about YOU, not about your spouse making himself happy by doing/giving something. I don't know why it never turns out that way.

For FD, we will sit in bed all day and watch TV, or else go to a movie - the two things H loves most in the world.

I just wish that MD would receive the same consideration of the recipient. Guys vs girls thing? I guess.

I've been practicing my speech all day, lol, for tomorrow, when H tries to push his agenda on me for what HE thinks we should do. I'm determined this year, after having a good year's worth of learning here at MB, to say my piece.

My MD is typically a card, that he leaves on the table, because he NEVER hands me a gift. He waits for me to see it and pick it up. Some years, I refuse. And it sits there until he says 'didn't you see your card?' So then I go ahead and open it, mad, and hate it.

And then feel guilty for expecting more from him.

Of course, we should know by now that the real answer is to be O&H about our expectations. I'm working on it. I have a list, lol.

Do you have a savings setup where you put money aside for stuff like that? I have an expandable folder where I (supposedly) put $X in each section for things like vet, gardening, furniture, medical, car repair, new car, savings, etc. You're supposed to put the money in there each time you get a paycheck. You have that certain amount of money to spend, and once you do, you're done til next paycheck. If you don't spend it, it goes into a savings account or one of the accounts (like furniture) that you're saving up for something.

Cat, what your husband did was very sweet (I'm rather proud of him) but you shouldn't beat yourself up for your response. It was a natural response and as long as you apologize, he'll probably see the humor in the whole situation.

My H usually gets me something for MD. He and our son usually out on the Saturday before and pick up something. They were out earlier today. I'm sure that was their mission.

Birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest for me. My husband hates to have to buy gifts and has been known to say, "I was too busy, go get yourself something for your birthday." Ouch!

This week is our 20th anniversary. I got him a gift (although I had to fight the urge not to) because it makes me happy. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Sometimes on big anniversaries, he does something big, often I just get a card. This is particularly hard for me because my #1 love language is gift-giving. It's the way my family of origin expresses their love toward each other.

Often we are traveling outside the country on my birthday so he will start dragging me to souvenir shops to 'pick out something' for my birthday. It is a process I really resent. I'm forced to choose something on the spot because he won't plan ahead to get me a gift.

This year we will be in Germany on my birthday. I've told him what I want (he asked - a Kindle). If he doesn't come through with a gift (other than insisting I pick something up in Germany) I will order myself a Kindle when we get home. Since we will be on a cruise, I've ordered myself a cake for that day to be delivered to our stateroom. He would never think of that.

I'm all about taking care of my own needs right now. He may or may not come through. I'm sure I'll feel some disappointment if he doesn't but I've decided that I'm the one who needs to make myself happy. If he come through, it will be a pleasant bonus.

Well, after my vent, I went out and planted for a few hours. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I took him outside so that he could see what all I did. He did like it. I still have quite a bit to do, but I managed to get about 2/3 of the job done.

I feel badly now. I stay at home, and I know how lucky I am there because of him, and now he wants to take me out for breakfast tomorrow after church. (Sigh).

You're all pretty lucky. This is a rant/vent coming up. It's just very typical and reinforces my belief that I am probably making the right decision. It wasn't always this way (though gift giving is not always his strong point--though he definitely outdid me on our 20th anniversary).

Anyway, a week or so ago, he asked me what I wanted to do for Mother's Day. I mentioned a pancake breakfast at the church. He made a face---and based on his comment of a few weeks ago where he said he wasn't going to church anymore because he couldn't stand to see people in town, I'm guessing this was behind the face. So even though it was what *I* wanted to do, I had to pick something else. So I said 'how about brunch out? Doesn't have to be fancy". He said he thought it was too expensive. How about if he and the kids made a nice brunch home? Eggs, waffles, fresh squeezed OJ, etc. So I said--great!

The week goes by. He's not going out much as far as I can see. Today, I made a major grocery trip. He knew I was going to the store, though I did not ask him if he wanted me to pick something up--mostly because I did not want to shop and plan for my mother's day bkfst. Been there, done that.

We had a tiff last night after the pre-prom party. If I feel like it, I'll post on my thread but it doesn't make a difference really. The upshot was I slept on the couch and sent him an email today that said 'here's the way I feel'...and laid it out (yet again) for him. This is what he did today: slept 'til about 10AM (I think--I was out), got up, got coffee, took it back to bed where he was around 11:15 or so when I returned--he was watching TV (he does this during the week now too-though not as late). At some point he got dressed and moved from the bed to the couch where I'm fairly sure he's been watching the History channel all day. I've been in and out. I had also asked him for help in cleaning out the storage area and getting some stuff up to the attic. I've been asking for weeks. I asked this morning. I asked if we could work outside and put the fertilizer down, etc. But he was on the couch.

So this evening. The older two are going to a fundraising concert. I bought some steak to BBQ. He didn't do it before the boys left and then I had to go out and walk/feed a dog. I came back, mentioned I had the meat to BBQ. While I was in the kitchen, he came in and said 'so what about breakfast tomorrow?' And I said 'are you guys cooking?' And he said 'is taht what you want?' And I said 'sounds good, though I don't think we've got the stuff you need.' Then I went to do some more laundry. He came down a few minutes later and said 'so you don't seem like you're too excited about all of this.' And I said 'what do you want me to say? Whatever I say now will come out sounding wrong or like I'm not grateful. We don't have enough eggs, bacon or juice.' Then he said (and I can't believe this!) 'oh, so now *I* have to go out to the store?" So I said 'ok, let's go out then.' H: 'no, we won't be able to get reservations this late. you should have said something earlier.' Me: You know what? Whatever I say will come out sounding wrong. You offered to make breakfast. To me that means planning, cooking and cleaning up. And I don't think I should ahve to spell that out beforehand. If it's too much trouble, just forget it!' And then he got pissed and went back upstairs.

Oh well.

As far as I know, he's not gotten any cards, etc.

Whatever.

heh...OH, my H is a Food Network addict. One day, sick of the umpteenth cooking show in a row, I said, "You know what would be cool? If you used all this cooking knowledge you're gleaning from the TV and cooked dinner for us sometime." So he said he would, his next day off. That day rolls around, it's dinnertime, and he says, "I guess I'll cook tonight. What do we have to fix?" lol. I think we ended up having rotini and jar sauce. mmm...just like Emeril would make!

All I want is a blender. Mine is from the 80's. oh, I also want to spend the day being tended to, instead of tending to everyone else. Just in case, I made a huge southern meal tonight with enough leftovers for lunch AND dinner tomorrow.

LOL. My husband offers to cook dinner fairly often--with the same question. 'so what's there to make for dinner?' and not quite getting that 'making' dinner involves planning the menu....
LOL

Quick note here, nothing helpful just wanting to join the rant...

Please don't hate me, but I got flowers yesterday. I cried, cus you know what I really wanted?

One.Single.Effing.Conversation.

Now I gotta go take the kids to the park while H finishes his nap.

*hugs* to all the other mothers.

It's 9pm and we're almost home from the movies. H asks me what time the drug store closes. Uh, yeah.

I say 'if you're asking because you want to go get me a card, I would rather that you help me with housework tomorrow, than to get me a card. I have made up a whole list of things you can choose from.'

He says that it is D18 who needs to get me something.

Right.

So I just dropped it. It's more frustrating and hurtful to ask and be ignored, than to hope and be disappointed.

You know what we all should do, is go on strike.

Go somewhere by ourselves, just get a book, some cash, and just disappear.

We are meeting my mom for lunch with my brother, but if we spend the rest of the day ignoring me, and NOT doing anything on my list, I swear I'm going to take off and go somewhere.

Yep. That's exactly how I feel when I feel withdrawn, and ears urges me to share my O&H. <sssshhhhh!!!!!!! she's in NM, we won't tell her!>

just kidding ears! I'm commisserating with cat, it would seem we need your voice of reason!


I'm in.

My dh called his mother a week ago and wished her happy Mother's day. His mom said, um...thanks, son, but mothers day isn't until next week!

I think he was being a little hypervigilant because he missed her birthday last month. Oh well, ya can't get them all right!

On a positive note, my step-kids just wished me happy mother's day for the first time, although I'm not their mom, and I don't have any kids of my own. The oldest boy said "you're like our second mom."

I'm guessing that my O&H last month has sunk in, because he actually is outside doing something on my list. We came home and he promptly sat down on the couch and went to sleep, and I was about ready to just head out, but after about 10 minutes he woke up, and asked me what I wanted to get done. So I gave him my list. He tried to get me to do the items with him, but I held fast and said 'there's no reason for me to help with that. You can do it by yourself.' He even tried to get me involved by asking me to hold back some bush branches, as he was going to dig something up, but I did for a bit and then let go and went back inside. This is such strange territory, speaking my mind and saying no!

I hope everyone is having a good Mother's Day!

{{{Happy}}} That's so sweet! I know that's got to mean a LOT! You're making me teary-eyed!

Cat, that's so great and I love that your O&H has gotten you somewhere. My O&H just gets me "I feel terrible when you say things like that".

That's because your H needs professional help for his depression, drinking and whatnot. He is sunk in quicksand and unable to see the sky for the sand. You can't expect ANYTHING from him as long as he gets to stay in this situation.

Thanks Cat, the kids really made my day. I even went off my diet so that I could eat the cake that my dsd made. Yumm.

Regarding the open and honest, here's a little honesty from me. My dh is a very loving and caring husband. He spends tons of time talking to me, doing things that I'd like and arranging to do things with his kids.

However...he can be the bossiest, grouchiest person on the planet. When he's stressed about something he can be on a slow boil for days. Anything can set off a brief AO.

After several years of this, and watching myself walk on eggshell I said I've had enough. I told him that when he gives excessive amounts of directions in a bossy voice that it makes me feel that he thinks I'm stupid. That when he barks orders or gets impatient with me taking time to think before I speak, that this is abusive and I won't put up with it.

Its taken a couple of repetitions, and he does fall off the wagon from time to time, but he's made great changes. Thing is, when he does it, I have to remind him, and cut him off.

Latest example, we were on a quick shopping trip to buy groceries. We successfully navigated the grocery store (that used to be a nightmare!) and put the groceries in the back of the truck. Since he was driving, I went to put the cart/buggy away. We were in a hurry, so I asked him where he wanted me to put the cart (sometimes if I push it all the way back up to the store and we're in a hurry this is an AH for him).

Anyway he said "Just anywhere". So I pushed the cart behind the car next to us where I saw a cart boy (someone that takes the shopping carts back into the store) and the guys says "I'll take that". So I left it there.

Hubby then says (without seeing the other guy) "DON'T LEAVE IT BEHIND THE OTHER CAR!!!!" Thereby implying, what a dolt, do I have to do everything!?!

I have started saying "Hey..." and giving him a stern look. He knows what this means. I said the cart-boy asked me to leave it thre. And so hubby said "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I didn't see the cart boy."

It does take some repetition, but I have learned that my dh previously would have seen nothing wrong with his statement, and would have no clue of why I would feel angry, hurt, put down.

I'm seeing you moving ahead by leaps and bounds, and I think your husband is responding to it. One other thing I've noticed in my relationship is that important requests have to be given several times. Life is so busy today that its hard to keep in mind everything that is asked of us.

Men may call this nagging, but I think that if its done in a kind way, its conveying information. The worst kind of situation at work is when you have this subtle feeling that things aren't going right, and then get called in the office and fired. That's the same thing that happens when a woman doesn't tell her husband what's wrong and then leaves him.