That's great, closer is good. Be brave about finding help, if you keep looking you will find it. But coming here is a great start. I don't know anything about Denmark but if you can go on a date with your SO at the most beautiful place in your area. Make a picnic, go for a walk, or make it family camping trip. Do something for yourself once a week, whether its going for a walk alone, or having a glass of wine while soaking in a hot bubble bath. Every now and then go out with your girlfriends and have some girl time. It does help.

I'm glad I could be here for you. You now have a friend in me.

Princessmeggy - do you have kids?

GL, just so you understand, this is exactly what Dr Harley says too. He says that rarely does the month to month renter mentality change when a couple marries after living together. And that is the problem. A person can't possibly know what it feels like to be married unless they are married. In these situations, they simply legalize the month to month agreement, which states that they are just THERE as long as the other partner passes the month to month TEST. They don't HAVE a married [buyer] mentality.

It is like the difference between renting a house and buying a house. One is committed to doing what it takes to keep the house in good repair FOR LIFE, the other is just there until something better comes along as long as the place pleases them that month. Hence the 85% DIVORCE RATE among couples who live together before marriage.

Someone who says they "feel" married has no idea what he talking about and I suspect your H does feel the SAME given your current problems in your marriage. If he feels the same as did when he was living together, then he just brought those same feelings into the marriage, just as Dr Harley says they do.

I can understand you advocating living together if you had a good marriage, but you don't. It certainly has not helped your marriage so I am puzzled why you would recommmend something for others that has not worked FOR YOU?

Not to be a downer, derosa, but marriages that occur AFTER living together have an 85% divorce rate. And it is for the very reasons I gave. GL will tell you herself that her marriage is in trouble. At least one partner is never willing to do much more than what comes naturally to maintain the relationship - nothing more. It is like a month to month rental agreement until something better comes along.

Now, can this be changed? YES it can. But it is not likely to be changed by your average "marriage counselor" who knows nothing about the dynamics of marriage in the first place. And much less likely to be effected by a MC who doesn't even understand how living together harms relationships. Marriage counselors have an 84% FAILURE rate so just going to "counseling" is rarely a solution, rather it adds to the problem.

If I were you, I would check out marriage COACHING with Steve Harley over the phone. He does know how to save marriages and he will assess your situation and give you a PLAN. But he does not counsel couples together, most good MC's will not do that because it causes more problems than it solves. IMO, Steve can do in 2-3 sessions what most MC can never do because they are largely ineffective.

Good luck, DeRosa.

Thank you. A friend is what I need. I have a hard time discussing this with my friends in real life.

We are going out on Saturday - movies and dinner I think. We also went on holiday for a week in my SO's apartment in Spain. I sort of ruined most of the time by getting mad over things that I shouldn't have gotten mad about. I didn't know where the anger was coming from at that point. That was one month ago. I had no idea I was angry about the dating profile he created. The strong feelings were really delayed. I have always reacted with quite a delay. I thought we were fine back then.

**edit**

Okay, now I get it.

Get what?

GL, just so you understand, this is exactly what Dr Harley says too. He says that rarely does the month to month renter mentality change when a couple marries after living together. And that is the problem. A person can't possibly know what it feels like to be married unless they are married. In these situations, they simply legalize the month to month agreement, which states that they are just THERE as long as the other partner passes the month to month TEST. They don't HAVE a married [buyer] mentality.

It is like the difference between renting a house and buying a house. One is committed to doing what it takes to keep the house in good repair FOR LIFE, the other is just there until something better comes along as long as the place pleases them that month. Hence the 85% DIVORCE RATE among couples who live together before marriage.

Someone who says they "feel" married has no idea what he talking about and I suspect your H does feel the SAME given your current problems in your marriage. If he feels the same as did when he was living together, then he just brought those same feelings into the marriage, just as Dr Harley says they do.

I can understand you advocating living together if you had a good marriage, but you don't. It certainly has not helped your marriage so I am puzzled why you would recommmend something for others that has not worked FOR YOU?

Not to be a downer, derosa, but marriages that occur AFTER living together have an 85% divorce rate. And it is for the very reasons I gave. GL will tell you herself that her marriage is in trouble. At least one partner is never willing to do much more than what comes naturally to maintain the relationship - nothing more. It is like a month to month rental agreement until something better comes along.

Now, can this be changed? YES it can. But it is not likely to be changed by your average "marriage counselor" who knows nothing about the dynamics of marriage in the first place. And much less likely to be effected by a MC who doesn't even understand how living together harms relationships. Marriage counselors have an 84% FAILURE rate so just going to "counseling" is rarely a solution, rather it adds to the problem.

If I were you, I would check out marriage COACHING with Steve Harley over the phone. He does know how to save marriages and he will assess your situation and give you a PLAN. But he does not counsel couples together, most good MC's will not do that because it causes more problems than it solves. IMO, Steve can do in 2-3 sessions what most MC can never do because they are largely ineffective.

Good luck, DeRosa.

Get what?