My point is that Dr Harley intervened to stop advice that he did not want given. Therefore, even though apparently he said that all opinions are welcome, there are limits to what is acceptable. His name should not be invoked to support "disagreement' since we do not know why he said what we were told he said in private, and it contradicts what he said and did publicly.

The actual quote:



Colouring mine

It wasn't an opinion, it was a DJ.

Charlotte

Thank you, lil. That's the one.

Charlotte

In his next post he went on to say in part:


Colouring mine

Yes he told me that in a personal email. But it also says that in the welcome message. Just to point out, since the welcome message is what is used against those with different ideas.

"As a member of this community, you will be held responsible and accountable for following the community's Marriage Builders® Discussion Board Rules and Terms of Service. They help maintain a safe and supportive community.

The members of this community are peers and not professionals. This is a meeting place of people who have had some of the same problems you face. Each member shares their own experience, perspective, and opinion about various topics. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those that would be endorsed by Dr. Harley or his staff. So please keep this in mind as you discuss issues with the members of the community. "

And AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Reminder!!

Or perhaps NEW information for those that have chosen to NOT read the TOS board rules----

MarriageBuilder members, THE membership, the moderators, the Admin, the forums, the site will NOT be graded, evaluated, or critiqued ON the forums. If you have a problem, concern or questions the email addresses of the moderators of each forum are readily available and my address is always here-- JustUss2@aol.com

These forums are provided for us for MARRIAGE BUILDING.

Now let's get back to work!!!

Thankyou ladies.

Coddlers...they are looking for coddlers...tell me what I want to hear...and ONLY what I want to hear.

Unfortunately, I have seen that happen too often on the forums.

Personally, I do not think it is a good idea either.

committed

That's not always true. Since every situation is different and every person is different. Sometimes what is needed is a kick in the butt and sometimes what is needed is some basic kindness.

With due respect, JustUss, please tell us what we should do when we read advice that seems contrary to Dr Harley's. Should we point this out on the thread, point it out to you or not say anything about it? If we bring it to your attention, what will you do?

Some of us, including me, have been challenging advice that we believe is contrary to the advice given by Dr Harley in his articles here, and in his books. Often, a link or quote from the original source is provided in order to support our claim. Increasingly when we challenge what we perceive to be non MB advice we are told by moderators that we should not "grade, evaluate or critique...MarriageBuilder members, the membership, the moderators, the Admin, the forums, the site..."

I don't think that the above is what is being done on the threads that have become controversial recently. I think we are trying to preserve the essential quality of this site- the fact that it is guided by Dr Harley's advice.

What is ALWAYS needed is someone mature enough and 'seasoned' enough in the marriagebuilding concepts to help people on this "marriagebuilding" site.

committed

What is your description of coddling, c&l?

Offering support in a gentler manner is not coddling, it is respecting someone who is devastated emotionally.

Going on a newbie's thread and rudely asking wth they are doing here is not the way to go about helping others, IMO.

You CAN speak the truth and not be abrasive and rude about it.

I thought Chai's whole idea was supposed to be for supplemental support, anyway, not as "taking over."

I became closer to BF while being her IM and that didn't deter me from my job and my commitment to her.

Charlotte

I respectfully disagree. We need everyone here.

Charlotte

Coddling...as in being all about the 'feelings' and not about the 'actions'.

Coddling that is also under the heading of 'enabling'.

I have seen it happen to the point that posters have stated "this is NOT what I want to hear, please don't post on my thread anymore unless you can tell me what I want to hear".

I have been a member for many years and it seems to go in cycles.

I am the type of person that posts...."Ok....your husband is having an affair...you are sad....understandable...but the crying isn't going to fix this...let's get you a plan".

That can be seen as cold, aloof, and uncaring.

If I reach a crying stage I don't need someone to validate that I am sad. I need someone to help me get a plan together.

That is why I post as I do.

committed

Well, see....I don't see the way you post to someone as harsh and abrasive. There are people here who shout a lot and get really nasty about it. Those are the ones I'm talking about.

I understand trying to SNAP someone out of their reverie but doing it the drill sergeant way drives people off who need help and need to take action. It doesn't always happen, but it does happen. Too often, IMO.

Charlotte

I must be slipping.

committed

Agree.

Posters suffering from infidelity need specific guidance, from a plan that has the best chance to rebuild a M, and the people involved.
People and M's are in the most fragile state when they come here, to be given advice that is not part of the plan from which this site was developed from, is harmful and cruel. It should be corrected. These are not just goofy or fake usernames, these are real live people with real families.

I for one would not want to have any part in helping a M fail, and I trust that someone here would point my posts out to me if they were inappropriate. It would be arrogant for me to be offended. If my posts were continually being questioned, that would be a clue that my thinking needs to change or it's time to find another site with a model that is closer to my attitudes.

Thank you SugarCane!

And you are absolutely correct. People come to learn about Dr Harley's MarriageBuilding advice, concepts & principles. They can get the typical knee-jerk responses from family, friends & co-workers that either have not actually experienced infidelity or usually handled it the wrong way. We all know how we THOUGHT we'd respond IF our spouse cheated (that's IT! Once and you're outtahere!) but when one actually HAS to walk in those shoes, our response is often quite different than we expected.

Opinions contrary to Dr Harley's plan are not prohibited. BUT one should know that, as Dr Harley says in his Discussion Forums Intro " And I've noticed that when someone gives advice that does not agree with my concepts, there are usually those who point out that fact in a string of letters that follow."

Intro to Discussion Forums



And yes, you CAN disagree with opinions on the thread. Your experience & MB knowledge is important!

Of course we do expect this to be accomplished respectfully, disagreeing with the advice-- NOT attacking the poster!

" Increasingly when we challenge what we perceive to be non MB advice we are told by moderators that we should not "grade, evaluate or critique...MarriageBuilder members, the membership, the moderators, the Admin, the forums, the site..."

No, I do not mean you can not challenge, debate, discuss non-MB or even anti-MB advice. By all means, do so WITHOUT personally attacking THE POSTER.