DeRosa, There will always be conflict no matter where you go. But make sure to read many of the articles on this site. I'm sure that many of them will help. And keep working on your self esteem, that will help your relationship.

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Thank you, Anne. You are very kind.

Yes, she is very helpful, supportive and kind.

She is a very loving soul who really helps others who are in pain.

Charlotte

I just described the reason for failure. Read my post.


Nope.


Statistics don't support your view, though. Marriages that start out living together have almost DOUBLE the divorce rate, at 85%. Marriages where they don't live together first have a 50%. So apparently the risk lies in living together, not in NOT living together.


Agree. But living together is more likely to RUIN your marriage, so it wouldn't be wise if you care about the relationship.

If you want to educate yourself about this issue, check out some of Dr Harleys articles about this subject: Living Together before Marriage

That's all well and good, but statistics don't matter when it comes to how a person feels. I mean its interesting to know and all, but not every situation is exactly the same. As DeRosa said she is from Denmark and lifestyles are very different there than they are in the states. There are exceptions to every rule.

Ok buy WHY.....
I am sorry but the idea seems ludicris to me.

Lets not get to know if we can live together and get married.....

That seems like a set up for failure. I just can't agree with it.

Other question would be is that statistic geared towards first time marriages? Or for every marriage no matter the life experience.

But facts do matter. Feelings are misleading, on the other hand. Lifestyles may be different but the basic make up of people are not. In fact, if anything, she proves this statistic correct.

I can understand why you would want to ignore these facts given that you have an emotional investment due to your current situation. [living together before marriage] But don't you think it would be better to be honest with this woman about the state of your own marriage? From everything you have written here, GL, living together before your own marriage sure has not helped your own marriage.

On the other hand, I do believe Dr Harley does know how to save marriages.

The facts don't support your position, though. Have you even bothered to research it?

If living together helped, there wouldn't be an astronomical divorce rate amongst couples who live together first. The divorce rate is 84% versus 50% for those who don't.

Actually living together before we got married doesn't have anything to do with what we are going through with now. And she said that she read my thread so she knows what I am going through. And actually things are getting better in my marriage thank you very much. Living together before we got married helped us realize that we would be able to live together after we were married. We are still together and have very deep feelings for each other. And feelings may be misleading, but there is still an exception to every rule. And you have to count the lifestyle in with who the person is. Every single person on this world is different, otherwise it would be a very boring world.

'Scuse me Mel, but doesn't the 50% figure refer to all marriages? if so, it includes those who lived together first (which I did, to my regret). If you actually looked at those who did not live together, surely the figure is lower, perhaps significantly so.

Ok...when did this become about GL's marriage and not about the statistic of living arraingments before marriage?

Secondly I edited my post to add a second question they must have crossed paths.

But you are not the exception, you are the rule. Even down to your comment that your H felt no different when he got married after living together. That is exactly what Dr Harley predicted and is exactly what has happened in your case. Your H admits there is no difference between his attitude while living together compared to marriage, which explains why you are here.

I am sure you want to believe it doesn't apply to you, but if I were you, I would really question if my feelings were not just telling me what I wanted to hear, especially when they are in direct conflict with known facts. Using feelings to make grown up decisions is not very wise.

I can understand you advocating living together if you had a good marriage, but you don't. It certainly has not helped your marriage so I am puzzled why you would recommmend something for others that has not worked FOR YOU?

Why would you ask her to ignore the tried and true advice of clinical psychologist, with 35 years experience, who has saved thousands of marriage in favor of your advice, someone who can't even save her own marriage? That doesn't make any sense to me.

Yeah? Gray and I didn't live together before we were married and it didn't help us.

Y'all didn't either and it didn't help y'all.

I didn't save my marriage and I give advice. Many others here are the same. What does that make us? Chopped liver? Worthless bags of goo?

Charlotte

Are you trying to censor me?

But no one said it would "save" your marriage so I am not sure what you are talking about.

Gee...can I seems to work for you.

What I am getting at is that you say to her that you shouldn't give advice because you didn't save your marriage.

That cancels a WHOLE dang lot of us out on MB, since there are so many posters here who have not "saved" their marriages.

My marriage wasn't meant to be saved.

Charlotte

So you don't really object to censorship as long as it is YOU doing the censoring?

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