Welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you guys are at a low place in the marriage and it sounds like yours can become a SPECTACULAR marriage when you two have the necessary tools in your marriage toolkit.
So once she got done school and started her new career she told me the problem. She says she loves me as a friend and not like a husband. That this feeling has been with her for two years or so and she just thought it was stress from school and since school is over she still has that feeling.
Okay, the stuff I'm going to share with you is FOR YOU ONLY right now. Do NOT NOT NOT run off and share it with your wife. She does not "feel" in love and although you will be excited with this information, she will not. She will feel pressured and coerced. Read up on Love Busters and pay particular attention to the Disrespectful Judgment. It's a slippery little beast, very difficult (for me, at least) to recognize. See, when you go tell your wife "Honey, this is great! I know how we can get back our "in love" feelings!! Our marriage can be even better than it was when we first got married!" she will feel like you are trying to educate her. The underlying message to the above statements is "I know how to make this work. You don't know. You're inferior." See how slippery the DJ is? You only wanted to share your excitement, hope, and enthusiasm, and you gave her a gut punch and pissed her off.
I'm not saying you *did* these things, I'm explaining why NOT to do these things. When you get MB "religion" you'll be pretty much a zealot for a while
I have asked her to go marriage counseling but she says it will not work because they can't make you change how you feel. She does say she loves me and loves the life we have together and says I am the best husband and father she knows.
Almost everyone on the planet believes as your wife believes. They are all wrong. You and your wife can be crazy head over heels again. You can get to the point where you hit snooze too many times so you can get in one more cuddle. You will lie awake at night giggling and being silly. You'll see something normal - like a really thin sliver of a moon - and run off to share it with each other.
Your wife's problem is that she HAS been too stressed by school etc. and her focus has been on her studies, and caring for the kids, and the marriage came last. You've also been avoiding investing in the marriage, in your attempts to give her space, not pressure her, and support her in her studies.
But I am at loss to what to do. I said we should go to MC and now she says she will go because she does not want to hear people say that she did not try to make it work.
This is AWESOME! Who cares why she's going? She's willing to go. If you can in ANY way, shape, or form afford it, schedule a Marriage Builders weekend (link at the top of this site). Drop the kids at friends' houses or their grandparents. It's expensive but you'll accomplish more there than with dozens of visits to a traditional marriage counselor. Marriage Counselors have a *failure* rate of about 84%. You don't want that! Also once you've gone to the MB weekend you have access to the Harleys, I think for life. I've not been but those that have absolutely rave about it.
I say that is not good enough that she has to want to make it work
NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! That is VERY MUCH GOOD ENOUGH. Go read about DJs again. Read about Selfish Demands while you're at it. Would you tell someone at work that they HAVE to care about an upcoming presentation? That they HAVE to want the dropped packets on the network to be < 3%?
Try this instead: "Honey, I know you are doing this just to say you've tried everything. I appreciate SO MUCH that you are willing to give counseling a try. You mean the world to me and if there's any way possible, I want to learn how to become a husband that can make you feel crazy in love again. You are everything to me and I want to learn how to effectively express that to you. Thank you so much for giving this a shot."
...and then she says she can’t change the way she feels. It just goes round and round.
Drop it. Quit arguing with her. Thank her and schedule the weekend.
My question is should we go to MC?
Yes but not ANY counselling as most of it is worthless. Schedule the MB weekend. There is also an online course that is wonderful but I sense that your wife won't be committed to doing the lessons and all the follow-through. If she's "captive" in a hotel ballroom she'll pretty much listen to the talks and do the exercises. Plus you two can have a romantic dinner out and get away from the stress of kids, laundry, etc. for the weekend. You can order champagne, run her a bubble bath, and give her a massage.
1. Schedule the MB weekend
2. Read about Love Busters. Three times
