I am a 39 year old professional, as is my husband. We have been married 14 years. We have two children, 8 and 3. I had a one time fling (I hate to call it an affair) with the guy next door who is divorced. He friended me on facebook and sent messages that made me feel like I was attractive. I responded and after a week of texting and FBing, it happened. I was drunk - so drunk that I do not remember doing this. (I don't usually drink to this extreme. On this particular day, we had a party and I had A LOT to drink and not much to eat.) Anyway, while I was over at OM's house, H walked in on us. A fight ensued, and well, the rest is history. We are in counseling and we both want our marriage to work. This was the ONLY time I ever did this. I don't think I would have done this but for being intoxicated.

Unfortunately, I have always been suspicious of my H, and in fact, caught him in a lie the week before this all happened. I've always been suspicious of him, but have never actaully caught him doing anything. There have been times where he has spent the night out, and I do not know where he was or who he was with. Let's just say it has not been the most trusting marriage.

He insists on knowing EVERYTHING about the encounter. I provided him my phone records, text messages, and FB password (which I have terminated). I have been honest about everything with my H. However, he still wants every detail of the night of the affair. I don't know if it is because I was drinking, or if I purposely put it out of my mind, but I do not remeber exactly what we did, how it was done, etc. I don't see how this will help him get past it. I even suggested contacting OM to get the details (and my H's agreeable), but I can't bring myself to even call/see him. Of course, he lives next door, but he has since "friended" another married woman on FB, who has since left her husband of 18 years and moved in with him. Would it accomplish anything to contact him to get "all of the details"? I feel like if I do this for my H, he will just come up with something else that he "needs" to make it work. BTY, it's only been one month since the affair happened. It also seems like my H is on an emotional roller coaster. He's up one day, and down another. I don't know who I'm facing on a day to day basis. Any suggestions?

You are right, it is not an "affair." It is an ADULTEROUS affair. ADULTERY is the correct term. An "affair" sounds way too innocent; it could be used to describe something innocuous like a luncheon.

I would start off by telling him the whole truth. It is up to HIM to decide what he needs to recover, NOT YOU. You are the one who raped him, after all, so your qualifications to decide what is in his best interest have been discredited.

Secondly, you will need to move if you want to recover your marriage. Living next door to the OM will keep you both triggered eternally. Your H should not be asked to live like that, it is cruel.


Yes, you need to do whatever it takes to help your BS recover from what you did to him. you will have to EARN his forgiveness, it is not an entitlement.


Of course. Adultery is as traumatic as the death of a child or a RAPE, so your victim will be up and down in his emotions for months or years.

Hopefully we won't have to move. I've been told that OM's house is in foreclosure. Don't know if this info. is good or bad. Don't like getting info. on him, but nobody else knows what happened. Which brings up another question. My H thinks we should let it be known. What would this accomplish besides shaming me more than I already am...

And OM has already befriended another MW and had her move in? Wow. He's quick. Sounds like you weren't the only horse in the stable.

How'd you hear about MB?

If OM is a player and preys on MW, then it SHOULD be told. Other married men in your neighorhood need to be warned that there's a predator in their midst.

Never drink alcohol again.

Please test for STDs, the tests are often free at the local county health department.

God Bless
NJ

If that is what he needs to recover, then you should do it (if you are serious about recovery).


We all have to face the consequences of our actions. Would you rather be shamed and still married or save face and divorced? You may feel a small fraction of the he77 he is going through. You made a commitment to him and you broke that commitment. To your Husband and your children. He now questions everything he used to believe. Questions why he should stay with a cheater. Feels like his whole marriage is a lie. If you want to save your M, you have to help him through this. It won't be easy and it will take a long time. At least 2 years.

Found MB by researching the issue of affairs. The advice given here is much of what my counselor is telling us. I find this site very helpful. I want to show it to my H, but I hate mentioning anything about the A b/c I don't know how he will react.

OM is really fast...He was involved w/girfriend from FB since Feb. D day was 3/8, she was living there a week later. This is really a blessing in disguise, b/c H really thought I had feelings for OM. With GF living there, it reaffirms that I don't have feelings and I won't approach OM again.

Not really a drinker. I think that's why it affected me the way it did.

Did right away - none. Thank goodness. Still can't believe this happened.

You have a suck-y marriage.
Your marriage need professional help.

I STRONGLY urge you to click on the coaching center link at the top of this page and make an appointment with the Harley team.

link

Don't wait for things to deteriorate further.
You both lack good marriage skills.

Does this mean you plan on never drinking alcohol again?

It reaffirms only that you have very sloppy boundaries and no respect for the danger you place your marriage in by continuing to live next door to this neighbor. It most certainly does not "affirm" that you don't have feelings for the OM. Nor do I believe that is honest. That tells me a resumption is very likely given that you are not honest about your feelings and that you have no respect whatsoever for the power of temptation. That makes you very dangerous.

Just as an alcoholic swears off drinking after the sting of his last drunk, so does an adulterer. But the sting eventually goes away and the good feelings come back. This is why an alcoholic who is serious about recovery doesn';t hang in bars. As long as booze is right there TOP OF MIND, he is vulnerable to a relapse.

Just as you are very vulnerable to a relapse being triggered every day. the only reason you cant assume your affair is because he has a gf right now. But that will change and maybe he won't ignore you anymore? You were a fill in piece before, what would stop it from happening again?

If you did not have feelings for OM, why did you commit adultery with him? There had to be SOME FEELING for OM. People make mistakes but drinking alcohol was not your mistake. Alcohol did not make you do anything. You chose to flirt with another man and fell into an affair. EA at first that turned PA. Own what you did and start by not blaming other things. You made a mistake. Now you need to put into place EPs and regain the trust of your H (if possible). Your H has a 'get out of the marriage free' card. Your did the one thing that lets us divorce, so you need to decide how hard you are willing to fight to save your M.

If H wants the details, you give him the details. Beware that if he has to get them from POSOM, OM could lie just to be the jerk he is. If BH feels foolish for having to go to OM for the truth that he can't get from his own wife, then he might not ask to avoid further humiliation from POSOM and he will have another thing to resent you for. Claiming drunkenness isn't going to help you or H.

What is BH's reason for exposing your A and to whom does he want to expose to?

I did not/do not have feelings for OM. He made me feel good about myself again. Something I haven't felt in over 8 years. I'm not trying to lay blame, I just wanted advice on how to act on my H's requests. Most of the info. is helpful, but really off of the subject. I saw other forums with similar questions, and totally different answers. I guess I should just get with my counselor and get his take on all of this. After reading some of the posts, it sound like there is no hope for me. (And rightfully so, my H is the one who ultimately has to make the decision to live with me or without me).

I want to give him the info. and gave him all that i have. phone records, texts, e-mails, passwords, etc. I do not recall the events of that night. The only way to know is to contact OM. H won't do it. He want's everybody in town to know about the A b/c he wants everyone to know how the OM has ruined so many lives. (There are more than just me and GF). Can't belive I didn't see this coming. In retrospect, I think OM had some type of relationship with most of the women on his FB (married and unmarried).

You don't remember anything that happened that night? You didn't remember your H walking in? Skeptical.

Well I don't know if it is necessary to expose your A to the whole town to warn others that OM is a POS; all participants were consenting adults no? I'd hold off with that and give it more thought.

There is no hope for you if you are not willing to put in the effort. You should read His Needs, Her Needs and Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Dr. Harley. Check your local library. You are the one here, and you can only change yourself. Once you read up and learn the MB principles, you can share them with your BH. Tell him you want to meet his most important ENs and put into place EPs. And no LBs. From the start it just sounded to me like you were making excuses, so I did not want to give you any hope unless you knew how hard it is. You cannot just FIX this. It takes time and a total change of lifestyle, and you first sounded unwilling to do these things.