This would apply to those who garner their value by COMPARING THEMSELVES to others, don't you think? Not everyone does that. I do esteem myself for my accomplishments, but not because I am in competition, but because I did a good job and exceeded my own expectations. I also ADMIRE those who can do a better job than me. I ADMIRE talent in others, and I mean that sincerely.

When someone does something better than me, I don't say "mel, you are a loser loserton!" I say "wow, that is awesome! what can I take from that to improve myself?"

My greatest source of self respect comes from living within the confines of my conscience and living with respect, decency, courage, truth and honor. I CHOOSE to live in a way that I CAN respect. And if I don't respect something about myself, I change it. I have to earn my respect in order to get approval from myself.

You said you and your sister are Christians.

It was through my recognizing that I was a daughter of the King and not just Mr. and Mrs. R's daughter, that I began to see myself as God sees me and not as others do.

I am valuable enough to the One who created me that He would endure great suffering for me. What more do I need to know to feel worth something to someone?

When I make bad choices outside of God's desire for me as His child, then I feel badly about who I am. When I make choices that glorify Him, I feel good about myself.

I can say I act such and such way because I was molested as a child.

I can say that I do such and such because I am co-dependent.

But the truth is I act and do based on where I place my heart. If I love God and am surrendering my life to him, I act and do what pleases Him.


You are the only person who controls the on/off button of the tape player in your head. No counselor controls the buttons. Your parents don't either. They may have made the recording, but you are the one who keeps playing it. You are the one who turns it on and listens to the lies. Imagine how happy that makes the enemy.

I had an aha moment one day and realized that it is a slap in the face of Christ to think I am not valuable. He thought I was worth it. Who am I to think otherwise?

Thank you. It was nice to read this. Change is hard, but change can be oh so amazing. I made a decision to change because I am the only one who can make myself feel like crap. It's something that I'm working on because I have a habit of going over and over the bad decisions I've made in the past (like 5 - 10 years ago even). Honestly, feeling good and proud of yourself and the decisions that you make is happiness in itself.

OMG, I so know what you mean. I still try to mental masturbate about something I did while babysitting at age 15!!! I cannot possibly go back and change that, but sometimes my mind wonders back there and starts in with the beating! That has been the hardest thing for me to shut down.

I agree total--
sunglass guy

woooow. That is so "behavior modification."

I really like this thread, Pepperband. I've never thought of self esteem as self respect and I can really see what you're saying. It's definitely a better way to think of things. All people (especially my generation) are taught is that you should feel good about yourself, you should have high self esteem and shrinks make tons of money from people, like me, who think they have "issues". Everyone has them. I've done better by consciously making the decision to work on myself than I ever did by going to therapy.

And, about the FOO thing. For me, personally, I can't blame what happened in my childhood for the bad decisions that I made. Because I made them. An adult with full capabilities. Sure, the things that happened help mold and shape me, but I can't let them DEFINE me. I decide who I want to be, I make the decisions in my life, and if I make a crappy one, well...that's my fault.

There ya go

Yes, to a certain extent. And I agree, not everyone does it.

But at least to me, that is a two part problem. One is how does one define success? The second is does one need to be successful to value themselves. I was poking at the second part.

People with good self-esteem do not tie it to their accomplishments or failures. Meaning, when I fail, I do not conclude I am a failure. I conclude that I failed.

MelodyLane

“using your childhood is no excuse to neglect developing self respect as an adult.”

I didn’t say this is what I’m doing. What I mean is that nothing I’ve done has changed the way I feel. What you are saying is that if we change our thoughts, our feelings will change, which is a controversial idea. Some people believe it, some don’t. Some people have found it to work, others haven’t.

I’m not talking about thoughts – I don’t dwell on my childhood, and I’ve forgiven my abusers. I’ve had therapy where we talked about “old tapes,” etc. I’m not parent bashing.

I’m talking about feelings...how I feel about myself. It has affected every relationship, every job, how I act and react to everything. I’ve found that nothing I’ve read, tried, or prayed has changed how I feel at the core of me.

rprynne =

“One is how does one define success? The second is does one need to be successful to value themselves.”

The thing is, I have heard it suggested that people earn their self-esteem from their accomplishments (there are a lot of different ideas about this), so that’s when I decided to concentrate on being successful in areas where I determine what successful means. In other words, I competed only with myself ( school work, for instance). (That’s what I like about school – you only have to compete with yourself. I’m a terrific student.)

Sorry if I’ve missed anything - I’m having trouble keeping up with all the posts and ideas – that’s one reason I don’t post a lot. That’s not a self-esteem issue, it might be my age. LOL.

What is your age?

Hi sexymamabear –

“I had an aha moment one day and realized that it is a slap in the face of Christ to think I am not valuable. He thought I was worth it. Who am I to think otherwise?”

This sounds like you are putting a guilt trip on yourself, so how does it help your self-esteem?

Here’s the thing. I know that we are valuable because Christ died for us. I have thought about that and tried to make myself feel valuable because I am a child of the King, etc.

However, we are also told in church that we don’t deserve Christ’s dying for us because we are all sinners.

This is conflicting and still bothers me somewhere in my psyche...

Then maybe its time to try something NEW?


No, its not controversial at all. It is just simple logic and common sense. People do it every day.

Check out Dr Lauras book: Bad Childhood, Good Adulthood. You would probably benefit greatly from it.

"What is your age?"

I'm 53.

I'm gonna be 60 in July ... you're not old

While I was out working at my children's school today, I kept thinking about this thread...and something that REALLY has struck me is this:

I believe I am AFRAID to do things that will harm my self respect because the few times that I have, I have regretted it so deeply and was so incredibly ashamed of myself, and I REALLY, REALLY hate the way that feels.

This is but only one reason why I am so terrified of having an A...and cannot imagine myself doing it. I honestly believe that I respect myself too much and I HATE the feeling of losing that self-respect.

It's an awful way to live, I learned that from the few very bad choices I made that temporarily destoyed my self-respect.

I make conscious choices to act on my self-respect everyday, and I feel pretty d*mn good in my own skin.

An entire future generation is going to be messed up thanks to settling for mediocrity and wanting to make everyone feel good no matter what they do or don't do.

Do the right thing, respect yourself, respect others, and if other people have a problem with you after all is said and done....F them. Life isn't a popularity contest.

"I'm gonna be 60 in July"

I'll be 54 in July -

July is a good month to be born!

Well then, I didn't explain it very well. It has nothing to do with guilt. I'm not quite sure how you got guilt out of that.

IF I believe what the Bible says about Christ, then how could I ever doubt my value to Him.

The aha moment was that I realized that I was so valuable to the Creator of all things that He would do whatever it would take to give me the opporuntity to belong to Him.





BECAUSE we don't deserve it means that we are so VALUABLE to Him that He did it anyway, even knowing full well that we may REJECT Him.

Understanding this illicits love not guilt. I am in awe that God would do this FOR me, IN SPITE OF my flaws.

I wish I could help you understand what I mean, because to me, it resolves all "esteem" issues.

I think most people who speak of low self-esteem are talking about feeling unvaluable.

The cross PROVES our value.


Have you ever read the Children's book by Max Lucado titled, "You are Special". If not, I HIGHLY recommend it! It describes your struggle and has the answer, IMO.

And because God values me so, I want to live a life that is pleasing to Him.

And when I don't, I suffer consequences. Maybe external consequences to my actions and maybe not. But always internal consequences of guilt and shame that are good for me. Eventually, those negative emotions will help me to get back where I belong...with my heart in sync with God's will. But if I don't, then my "self-esteem" suffers and it should.

When you see your value TO GOD, other people's opinions matter little. God's opinions matter greatly.

Read Lucado's book. Stars and dots. It's all about them not sticking. (won't make sense until you read the book)