I'll definitely get the books. I've already printed the EN questionnaire. I'll give it to him too, no matter what the consequences. I have taken full responsibility from day one and will do whatever it takes to repair my marriage.

I would give it to him and tell him that you want to meet his needs and want to try to regain his love. The questionnaire guides you as to what is most important to him. For you, I would not fill yours out until he requests you to or a few months down the road. You need to meet his needs for quite awhile first, earn his forgiveness, and let him WANT to meet your needs.

I can not imagine the horror of actually seeing it. A fight would be the least concern. I do not know what I would do, but it wouldn't be good.

Then why the need to bring up your H's lying?

"Just as an alcoholic swears off drinking after the sting of his last drunk, so does an adulterer. But the sting eventually goes away and the good feelings come back."

PLEASE tell me that this isn't always the case.

Those are FEELINGS. And those feelings led to your affair with the OM. Your H needs to understand that this affair will not be ended until you move away. Your marriage will never recover until you end all contact with the OM.


If your counselor tells you anything different than this below, then you are getting bad advice. Dr. Willard Harley, clinical psychologist with 35 years experience saving marriages:


entire article

and

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted." Requirements for Recovery

Oh yes, the sting wears off. And if a person is not in any semblance of recovery, they will act on the temptation when it comes again. If I go hang out in bars all day, you bet I could drink again, even though I have not had a drink in 24 years. I don't remember the sting of the last drunk. That hasn't kept me sober in 23 3/4ths years.

Hi, hbr. I haven't been checking many other posts lately, but your title caught my attention. Reading this...

Do you think your H is having an affair or maybe at least had a ONS? Do you feel you cannot snoop or ask about it as you think H would see it as you trying to deflect or minimzie your own affair?

I don't know how to answer how you should handle this if you do suspect indiscretion, but I'm pretty certain that if someone came to MB and said their spouse had been out all night and refused to tell where he/she had been and with whom, the alarms and red flags would be flying everywhere.

You must deal with the consequences of your betrayal and do right to try to heal your H and hopefully recover your M. And you're getting advice about that. (I'm no expert so I'll let the others take it from here.) I just didn't want this middle paragraph of info get lost among the discussion. Because if H is being or has also been unfaithful, that adds another messy dynamic. I think so, anyway. (Again, not the expert here.)

Good luck to you, hbr.

Looking4, that is definitely something for RECOVERY. But she is not even on that bus yet. We have to get her on the bus.

He's triggering. On days he's down. something triggered him. He could see the OM driving away. He could see you put on the dress you wore to the party. You could be bending over and he'll wonder about positions. The fact is. He has pictures going through his head that may not ever go away. People heal at their own pace, or don't. He could have a revenge affair. Stay in counseling.

Thank God for your key phrase "if a person is not in any semblance of recovery"!!!

hbr70,

Here's the deal: YOU don't get to decide what HE needs to "get past it." He needs what he needs, accept that. And, yes, there will be MORE things he needs to fall in love with you again and be willing to invest in the marriage again. And if it's any comfort to you, he doesn't know who HE'S facing day to day either!

You are "suspicious" of him, without knowing what he's done. Understand that he cannot wrap his mind around what he KNOWS YOU'VE done. He is in terrible pain, regardless of what he's done that has made you suspicious. His staying out all night was independent behavior that hurt you, even if all he was doing was playing poker with the boys, but don't focus on what HE did for now. The program will take care of that in time. Your job is to undo the damage YOU caused.

Sounds like you both have developed habits that have been sucking the love out of your marriage for quite a while now. You need direction for putting it back into your marriage. Perfect candidates for the Marriage Builders program...

But there's a huge distraction that will prevent any progress--POSOM is next door. UGH. How would YOU feel if the woman you walked in and saw your H having a "fling" with was in plain sight every day? Torture.

Keep seeing your counselor. Ask him/her to hold you both accountable for the damage you've done to your marriage. Of course, we'll help you here too. Just post honestly (and often). If your H will post his own thread, so much the better. Might not want to read each other's at first, though.

Get the books "His Needs Her Needs," "Love Busters" and "Surviving An Affair" to learn HOW your marriage became vulnerable, and the steps you must take to put things back together.

You CAN get through this, and anything your H has done as well. But it won't happen unless you both agree to total honesty and follow the narrow path to recovery.

I hope you will do this. There are two precious little kids at stake.

Right Here Waiting

Thank you all for taking an interest in my situation and thank you for the advice. rightherewaiting put it in perspective. I could never live near the OW. It would be torture. I will begin to focus on his needs. Up until now, I've just been dwelling on him wanting to know every detail. The only way to get the details would be to contact the OM. I don't want to do that, and H won't. I know many are skeptical about me not remembering (I do remember H walking in), but other than that, blank. As far as H's past "acts," I cannot prove anything. I have left that subject alone for a while. I guess I mention it in my initial post b/c his past acts have really sucked the love out my love bank. These past acts did not make me do what I did. I did it. I have to repair what I've done. From day one I've taken full responsibility and told him everything as far as contact, texts, etc.

I've read Dr. H's website thoroughly. We have been to 2 sessions w/ our counselor and his course of recovery sound a lot like Dr. H. He's more of a coach.

As far as my H's ups and downs - now I realize it's triggers. It could be the clothing, seeing the OM, etc. I don't know how to keep the triggers to a minimum, but I will make a conscious effort to do so. I've ordered the books and are awaiting their arrival. I know they will help. Thanks again for all of the input. Long road of recovery ahead...

Good start, hbr. Given that the nightmare lives right next door, what specific precautions do you intend to take to protect your H? Ask HIM what you could do that would help him.

Since you get that you could NEVER live next door to the OW if your H had done what you've done, you understand the need to move away. Ideally, you will.

But no matter where you live, work, or play, you must protect yourself, your H and your marriage with some firm extraordinary precautions.

Without these specific boundaries, you simply bring your vulnerabilities with you. For you, they might include:
1. I will NEVER spend time alone with a man other than my H.
2. I will NOT overindulge in alcohol.
3. I will never share my problems with a man other than my H, nor permit any other man to share his problems with me.

You get the idea. The rest are up to you and your H.

Stay with us. And send your H here too. He's hurting, and there are LOTS of us who have been where he is.

Godspeed.

Right Here Waiting