Being betrayed by the person you dedicated half your life to, or being completely alone in the world?

I'd say it's a coin toss.

Being alone...by a wide margin.

Not that I fear that fate either...God forbid, but it could still happen as I've hopefully got more than 1/2 a life left.

Mr. Wondering

I'm finding the answer to my own question right now.

After having some time to really think about it, I've become conscious of the fact that I haven't been happy for about 30 years. I can count the number of "great days" in my life on my fingers. Now I have nobody outside of my kids, and in a lot of ways they don't really count, you know?

Forgive me, folks. Normally when I feel like this I can conjure up enough venom and bile to fill a swimming pool. Now, I just don't have any more.

Krazy, I'm sorry you are hurting right now.

(((Krazy)))

Krazy,

Wish I had some sage advice to give you but I'm at a loss. All I can do is offer my sympathy. You're a good man Krazy with a big heart. No matter how "crazy" you may have appeared here. Everyone's aware of the reasons why. Hang in there......

{{{{{{{{{{{Krazy}}}}}}}}}}}

Want2Stay

(((((Krazy)))))

Krazy i take it by your post and your signature line that you have moevd out. Sorry you are feeling so bad. I too wish i could say something to make you feel better.

Krazy-

I'm so very sorry. Truly. I have pondered this one alot, probably too much.

For me, I grew up with a very real knowledge that my parents did not love me, want me, or guarantee my safety. Then, I met H, and something blossomed, and for the very first time in my life I felt loved, safe and wanted. Now, at the low moments, I sometimes wonder if it would have been better to have never known that kind of ecstatic joy, and the contentment of being held and feeling safe and loved. Honestly, I'm not sure. A large part of me believes if we end, the answer will be that it would have been better to have never known these things, because I don't know that I could ever open up and trust like that again, now that I know what I am risking.

***sigh*** I guess that's my yammering way of saying, I truly understand what you are feeling, and it sucks beyond all measure. (((hugs)))

FWIW, the depth of the valleys of the lowlands and the vertical and un-climbable nature of the walls of the valley are offset by anti-depressants. It's not like they "make" you happy, just that they give you a stepstool you can then choose to stand on to try to get there.

Again, (((hugs)))

Well, hayell Krazy.

That's like asking if you'd rather have your eyes washed out with OC spray, or having your dangly bits slammed in the oven door.

Both are gonna hurt like the devil for awhile.

The real question is, which is the environment that would be most conducive towards healing?

(((((Krazy))))

I'm sorry you are feeling low, Krazy. You are one of my favourite posters here. Your courage and strength is admirable and it will get you through this. In the meantime, we are here for you.

Well that was a colorful interpretation, D

I don't even care about healing. I'd just like for the pain to drop to just below immense, just for one day.

Surely I'm not the only one in such a situation.

I just don't even know where to begin to create a life from scratch.

Maybe I should've posted this in a different forum. Duh.

Alone or solitude:

It’s what you do with the time Krazy.

Plan A yourself.

Try lots of potential new interests. Learn something you have always wanted to know, or do. Maybe cave diving (my secret interest)? I’m taking up amateur astronomy (expensive habit though – damn 2long). Maybe go back to college – it’s in my plan.

You do not need a woman to be happy. You do not need a substance to be happy. You do not need a passion to be happy. You do not need dependents to be happy. You do not even need to be happy. What you want is joy.

To live joyfully you need peace with yourself. You need a future that you control.

So stop secretly blaming yourself in the middle of the night. You did nothing wrong. You took long overdue action to reclaim yourself. So get out there and do it! Live joyously!

Aphelion,

I'll have to try, but I gave up & lost interest in most things long ago. All I ever really wanted was a family. A good one, of course.

Joy? What's that like?

Very well said, Aphelion.

Krazy,

I've been there before myself. Lonely is a state of mind ... its like most things that you've ever done a little outside your comfort zone ... YOU JUST DO IT!!! Instead of sitting at home ... do something. I don't know what you enjoy, but for me ... I like dogs, so I'd take one to a state park or to the lake swimming and would ultimately run into someone to talk to and make a new acquaintance.

I like high school sports ... especially basketball ... so I'd go to a game and sure enough ... I'd see someone I knew to talk to or just wind up talking to the person next to me.

Just adjust these ideas to what you enjoy doing in your spare time. Soon enough, you'll find that one of these outings will LEAD to another outing and it becomes second nature to be OUT DOING ... rather than HOME BROODING.

You've obviously got a great sense of humor, so I can't imagine it will be hard for you to re-engage socially.

Just keep your eyes open for new opportunities and then act on them.

Krazy,

I think you have been stuck in the shock phase and then the anger phase. But I suspect you are just now hitting some of the sorrow.

There's no way around any of it...whether you recover a marriage or divorce. But because you have chosen divorce, you have more to grieve (not only the death of what your marriage was to you, but also the literal death of the marriage). I'm sure you are also going to just plain miss being with your children as much as you were and yearn for them when you are alone.

Be kind to yourself.

Force yourself to get involved in some hobbies that get you out of your own space.

Kzy, you still have a family!

It’s just not like it was. It can in fact be much better now.

Change is hard, but it is usually good when managed properly. And it will most definitely be very good in your case.

I do know what you mean about not having interests after suppressing yourself for so long. After sacrificing everything about yourself for so long. I was in the same place. I thought I was among the living dead for a long time after deciding to cut myself free of that miserable destructive cycle.

When you stop sacrificing you seem to have little reason to exist.

This passes. I assure you, this passes.

But you have to take your future into your own hands - now that it is not laying trussed up and naked on the altar of your wife's ENs. You have to get up, go out and live it.

So, the first thing is to try lots of new interests. They won’t all turn out to be right for you. But you won’t know until you try them.

This doesn’t take a lot of money. This doesn’t take a lot of time – but the time taken will fly like the wind. This takes effort!

You are suffering from a combination of PTSD and situational depression. The danger is in sitting around doing nothing about it. They can take on a life of their own if you do nothing. So, the problem is that initial impulse. Finding the energy to start. But once you do start living it comes so naturally and has such momentum you will wonder why you ever wasted a minute sacrificing for an adulterer.

PS: Have you considered ADs for the near term?


PPS: Happiness vs joy. That will take it’s own thread. Just know for now there is a difference. It includes a spiritual component. And it takes some seeking.