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What if -
You were in a relationship that you couldn't end for two years for legal reasons.
Your husband told you he wanted out of the relationship but not out of the house.
He wanted to sleep in your bed but never have sex.
You were still in love with him and wanted it badly enough to want to do anything to make it work.
If I can change my thinking to his way - only being friends, never wanting a romantic or sexual relationship - I can get through these two years.
But I need to be able to stop being in love with him, stop wanting to fix us, stop hurting when he's loving to everyone else but me, stop hurting when he ignores me or is cruel to me.
Keeping myself busy with work helps some. But I work from home (in our bedroom no less) so there is a constant reminder of him.
I am trying to get out more, but all the people I socialize with are his friends. My friends are a continent away.
Some of his friends are getting to be pretty close to me, and I would hate to lose them if we broke up.
Other than just not being around when he's home, what else can I do?
How do you get over someone when there is a constant reminder of them and their rejection of you? He lives here, he sleeps in our bed, and he doesn't love me or want me. In public he treats me well, calling me honey and complimenting me, especially around his friends.
He is constantly playing with and affectionate to our kids, bordering on the really weird at times. (he will take the baby's hand and put it down my shirt for a 'joke' and say "look at mommy's great tits!) but never say anything sexual or complimentary on his own. He will bring the baby over to the bed if i'm lying down and nuzzle him and kiss on his neck like he would do with me - and wants me to see and approve of it. I just leave the room, I can't stand it.
I can't kick him out, but I need a healthy way of helping myself turn off my emotions for him.
It's hard enough getting over someone that you are still in love with once they have gone. How on earth am I going to do it with him still here?
So many of you have fallen 'out of love' - how would you do it if you needed to?
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Blackbird,
Wow, that is really a tough situation to be in. I read one of your other threads on how your M started and I ask myself how could you love this man - he treats you so badly? I'm thinking you are half the person you could be because of how he treats you and makes you feel. Are you sure there is nothing else that can be done about living arrangements?
GG
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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That sounds like torture and for your own sanity, plus the influence he will have on your child, you need to be away from this man. I would see an attorney and see if there's some way to get him removed from the home and pay you support.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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He would leave if i insisted. We would end up with joint custody.
I doubt he would pay support even if ordered to do so.
My focus for this post was on learning to live with the situation, and be sane and healthy rather than trying to figure out what to do legally.
If I 'will myself out of love' then I think I can live with him as a roommate and not feel tortured.
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What you are suggesting is that THERE IS SOME MAJIC WAY you can:
1. Continue living with his neglect and abuse
2. Continue having his "body" around though his heart is not yours and will never be yours
3. Continue to have false hope that he will change and love you in the future.
But a SANE person cannot do this. You cannot live with a person who neglects, manipulates and abuses you. You cannot do it. Or you will become mentally ill.
The bottom line is you need to FACE THE HARD TRUTH that this man will never love you or be in love with you or want sex with you. Then, get out of the relationship whatever you need to do legally to do that.
You took on a man who is a bad bad man. Now you have this bad bad man to get rid of. Sadly you fell in love with this bad man. And made it more complex by having a baby for the bad man. I am sorry.
This man appears to leech off you, live off you, demand money from you and not contribute to the family at all.
What are you thinking, acting like you can put up with this for years longer??????
Girl, get OUT!!!!!!
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I was in love with my husband but he presented such an unacceptable arrangement I was forced to acknowledge that and get a divorce. I never wanted the divorce, he broke my heart, he took me for over $50,000 and didn't even show me common decency and respect. During this time I did what I knew I needed to do, regardless of my feelings. Feelings are not meant to be barometers of anythings, feelings are just there to contend with. Think with your brain. When it hurts like He--, keep going with your brain. It takes time to get over someone...I'm not there yet, even though it's been several months. Give yourself that time, you are grieving the death of a relationship, even if it wasn't what you thought it was, it's still your hopes and dreams that you're grieving the loss of. It will hurt for some time but eventually it will lessen and you will get over him. What you will gain is self-respect and peace of mind and a more amenable situation for your children to grow up in. You will also have a brighter future ahead of you. Do not get into another relationship right away, give yourself time to heal and learn...learn why you picked such a person to partner with...and grow from the experience. Please listen to us, you cannot continue in this situation, you are doing yourself harm. This man is intolerable to expect you to live like this!
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Yes, and you are hating yourself by thinking you must put up with such a terrible way of life.
It would be far better to have this man out of your life than to try and force yourself to live as he wants you to live.
In other words, it will be pretty impossible (as it should be for any human being) to have this man continue to live OFF OF YOU< blatently bail him out (he is stealing your money), and let him abuse and neglect you and sleep in your bed and be in the house and still let him do this.
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I'm looking thru this post and I think you might have me confused with someone else?
I never said in this post he is stealing from me. He works at a pool store.
While he may not contribute 1/2 of the bills of the house, he does contribute everything except his lunch and cigarette money that he earns.
As for abuse, he doesn't hit me or physically abuse me.
He is nice and polite all the time to everyone.
He asks me how my day was and if there is anything he can do.
At night he says good night dear and kisses me on the cheek before he goes to bed. When he gets home from work he usually says hello to me.
He helps with the cleaning and cooking and such as much as he has time for or anything I would ask him to do.
He was in love with me. Now he is not. He has made the choice to live with me as 'just a friend' the pain comes from me not wanting to be just friends. He does not want to be married to me or to be committed to me and wants a 'light' simple easy relationship.
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In my state, you go to jail if you don't pay support.
WH2LE
BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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BB, you made it clear that he owes you money that he is not paying back. That is stealing.
BB, this is not some confused guy who just needs a good woman to help him through. He is all the things that have been said to you before. He is BAD NEWS.
I know you live in a common-law state. Does that mean you HAVE to say you're married, or is it only that ONE of you has to say you're married for it to mean that a divorce is necessary?
Actually, that was a trick question, because I know the answer. I have a friend who lived with a man in your state for 3 years. He was a real jerk and it did not work out. He agreed and they decided to "break up". He was very accommodating about the whole thing and promised her that he would not do anything.
Until she actually left. The next week, he served her with divorce papers. He didn't have to. He wanted to. And that made him legally allowed to. Her life is H*** right now.
Is it possible to talk HIM out of a divorce or is that the problem? HE wants a divorce so that he can end up with half of everything. As I recall, YOU came into the relationship with a LOT more than him. And YOU are the one who put the energy into your businesses.
Honey, this is why we keep saying things like, " He is stealing from you." The longer you are with him, the MORE he is going to take from you. The MORE there will be FOR him to take. The harder it will be for you to get on with your life.
He is not ONE BIT interested in leaving you. He has it made.
Take all that enormous energy that you have put into trying to figure out how to make him love you and put it into figuring out how to get out of this financially and emotionally intact.
You are extremely intelligent(much smarter than him) and I am POSITIVE you can do this.
You just have to DO IT. That's all.
WH2LE
BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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bb,
It looks like everyone is telling you to GET OUT, and not giving suggestions on how to live in the situation you feel you're stuck in. While I agree that you should kick him out, I understand how you can see that as an impossible option right now (I've was in a similar spot). So you need to make some changes to survive until you get to that point.
You basically need to follow "Plan A" for 2 years. This is a long time, but at least you are putting a time line on it. Prepare yourself for a long road.
- Remember you CANNOT change someone else... only your reactions to others.
- If you're not on anti-depressants already, please do so. It will help you get through this.
- I don’t think you can or need to force yourself to stop loving him. Flip it by loving him unconditionally, which means you don’t EXPECT love in return.
- Read the book “Five Love Languages” by Chapman. It’s a great book for all relationships.
You need to set some boundaries. He wants to be just a friend… make him just that.
- Do NOT share a bed or bedroom with him. No extra room? Move your baby in with you and send him to the baby's room. Else make him sleep on the couch, whatever it takes.
- All his friends need to know that he is now "just a friend" to you. Do not allow him to treat you as a "wife" in public and "just a friend" in private. Do not cover for him.
- Split living costs as well as all the housework 50/50. If he can't afford 50%, he needs to work more or move to a cheaper place. You can get another roommate that can afford 50%.
Make sure he knows what it’s like to be a single dad.
- He provides for 50% of the baby’s support, financially and time-wise.
- He gets to take care of the baby 50% of the time. When it’s his “time”, you can go out anytime without advance notice.
- He needs to make arrangements for child care during his “time, even if you’re the babysitter, make sure he ASKS.
Get your own life in the next two years.
- Make your own friends, preferably people who are not also his friends.
- Volunteer, join a gym or a club… do SOMETHING on your own where you can find your own friends.
- Go out at least every other week without him and without the baby.
Hang in there, you can make it.
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Not sure about this. HOwever, little things you said like that he doesn't hit you so he's not abusive or he sometimes says hello...
I feel you're worth more than that. A husband (or wife) should greet the other when they come home. That's what I think. And hitting you would be absolutely unacceptable anyhow---he's not a good guy cuz he doesn't hit you...he's normal. Most guys don't hit their wives.
So, abuse...could be verbally or emotionally abusive perhaps. Or at least neglectful. He 100% seems to be neglecting your feelings and going on with his own business.
As for how to stop loving him and wanting things to be the way they were? That's a really tough one. I'm still in love with my ex and have absolutely no idea why. He gave me no reason to be, I'll tell you that, so I know of which I speak when giving you the advice or thoughts that I did above.
However, I do feel I must be unhealthy in my mind to fall in love with someone who does not reciprocate, play games, manipulates, ignores, and tries to control me. That is in me and that is probably what I need to work on. I wish I could just run off and sleep with him and be how things were before. But, you know, I doubt it could happen.
Anyhow, I personally think we both must pray to GOd (whether ur religious or not-do it anyway) to get this unhealthy love out of our hearts, to guide us in the right way, to turn our crooked paths straight. Pray and then pray some more. And pray for your family if you want that to stay intact. But, pray for individual guidance always.
Good luck
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You basically need to follow "Plan A" for 2 years. This is a long time, but at least you are putting a time line on it. Prepare yourself for a long road. Very unadvised. Dr. Harley recommends that women not engage in Plan A for longer than 3 months.
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BHH, I've read that Plan A should go six months and for some couples goes beyond that. In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.
But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.
Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.
Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B. GG
Last edited by gg615; 05/04/09 05:01 PM. Reason: added quote
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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BHH,
I've read that Plan A should go six months and for some couples goes beyond that. Dr. Harley recommends to most BHs that they engage in Plan A for as long as they possibly can, a year or more if they can take it. But he doesn't recommend that long for BWs, because they can have a nervous breakdown or suffer from PTSD. Some can only manage it for a few weeks due to the excruciating emotional pain. I think six months would be the upper limit for a wife. But two years is absolutely not recommended. Also, Plan A is not a "couples" activity.
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Thanks everybody.
I have vowed to give my marriage (or whatever the hell this is) one full year before giving up.
The clock started Feb 1, 2009.
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Good for you. Hang in there and keep doing the right thing, even if he doesn't. That way you will not have any regrets, no matter what way things turn out.
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Thanks Neese. If I have any bright spots or hope these days, it's on exactly that.
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