Hello, I'm new here, just found this website and forums and am trying to read as much as I can to understand our situation. Forgive me but I do not understand all of the abbreviations that I see used in the posts so please help me there.

Here's the situation in a nutshell...We've known each other about 12 years, met on the internet, have been dating for 7 1/2 yrs and have been engaged for almost 1 yr. About 3 yrs ago I found out that she was cheating on me, we were able to work through it, I forgave her and she promised that she'd never do it again. We both agreed that it had actually had made our relationship better, she appreciated me more, our sex life got better, etc.

Last week we went on a vacation and when we got back, this Monday I discovered that she has been cheating on me again with a different guy. I immediately confronted her and there was no way that she could deny it, I read her the emails that I found that she sent to the guy. At first I was so angry that she went and did this again, wanted her to move out asap, etc. I called her family to tell them what was going on because we were due to attend her brother's wedding in a few weeks which we were both involved in. I also confronted the guy via email and told a few other friends of ours and family members. When she got home from work Monday night my anger turned to pain and we both sat there and cried and talked, cried and talked more. She finally opened up and said that she absolutely loves everything about me and our relationship, that we have the relationship that all of her friends envy, etc. She did admit to me something that she never told me before, that she's always had an issue with my height...she's 5'4" and I'm about 5'7" and this has been an issue for her for quite some time...she finds me physically attractive in every other way, I take care of myself, work out, eat healthy, don;t smoke, no drugs or alcohol, etc. She said that she has always preferred dating taller guys because it makes her feel more feminine and that's just what she usually preferred. She said that when we met and started datingm she was initially reluctant but that all of my other qualities won her over. Our sex life when we started dating was incredible, 3-4 times a day initially, then leveled off like any normal relationship. So now, she basically says that she doesn't feel the passion towards me that she once did, she doesn't have the urge to have sex with me like she used to and feels like we were just going through the motions each time we did have sex, which would vary from a few times a week to once every week or two. She said she still loves me and everything else about our relationship and is afraid that she's going to make the biggest mistake of her life. She wants to try and understand why the passion has fizzled. She has agreed that we should go to counseling to try and understand what we are going through and for her to try and understand some of her own personal issues. I've tried to explain to her that it's normal for intimacy and passion to fluctuate throughout relationships and physical appearance and superficiality should not be the foundation of a relationship...that if all of the other things that are important to the success of a relationship are there, which they are, then that's what matters...I said that we're not always going to be young and attractive (me 33, her 31. I said what's going to happen, no matter who you are with in life, is that we are all going to age, we're going to get wrinkles, lose hair, maybe gain some weight, grey hair, cellulite, etc. and if you don't have all of the other components, I don;t care who you are with, the physical attraction is going to change. I'm not claiming to be perfect and right about everything and I'm sure that there are things that I can work on and do better in the relationship, which I am willing to do.

So, has anyone else been in this situation and is there hope that the passion and intimacy can come back ? The first night when this all came out, we got in bed, we talked, we cried, we kissed and eventually fell asleep in each other's arms where we stayed all night. She still tells me she loves me, and she says that she wants to give this the effort it deserves because of all of the other great things about our relationship. Last night we sat and talked, I ended up giving her a 2 hour massage...she was nude but there was no intimacy or expectations that there was going to be any, we just kissed some, then we went out to get a bite to eat, talked some more and got in bed, she leaned over and kissed me and told me she loved me and we fell asleep. We have decided to abstain from sex for a while until we can sort this all out and get some counseling. She has also agreed to cut off all contact with the other man as a sign that she's going to make a sincere effort to work on our issues without any distractions.

Sorry for this being so long winded and I'm sure I am leaving things out, but I am basically scared, hurting and looking for answers and ideas. I love her with all of my heart and soul and would miss so many of the great things that we share together. Thanks for listening and I appreciate any and all of your replies.

Two As already, I don't know dude, you sure you are open to that kind of risk taking w/ your emotions?

Be glad you aren't married yet. Lose her now. She is a serial cheater.

If you were already M, I'd say yes fight for her. Yes the passion can come back. BUT and this is a BIG BUT, she has done this more than once and unless she works on HER, it'll happen again.

If it were me, I'd be gone already. R from an A is very difficult and I wouldn't even consider it if I wasn't already M.

Kir4Takoff,

First and foremost welcome to MB. I strongly urge you to read all of the articles on this site. Start with meeting needs, then consider Harley's four rules for a good marriage. Read about what he calls "love busters".

I am wondering. Why have you been dating for 71/2 years and only became engaged a year ago? When were you two planning on marrying?

Before you have time to answer these questions permit me to speculate and I hope that you can provide some feedback to my speculation.

Given the long dating period and now an engagement, coupled with her two affairs, I am thinking there are some real issues in the relationship on both of your parts. Your height might be one of them, but I am guessing you have issues with her as well.

If you come back and say "well JL we were working on our careers", then I am going to respond that a relationship where the careers are more important, isn't a relationship based on a solid foundation.

I guess I could address the height issue. If what she is saying is really true and not just the excuse of the week for her affair, she is saying she perfers to live in a fantasy world than the real world. In the real world, your height while some sort of a fact, clearly would have and should have been superceded by how you treated her, how you conduct yourself, and many other aspects of your relationship. I will say if it truly is her real hang up, then you might want to consider accepting that she is that, "shallow" isn't the right word, I will say narrowly focused on a single feature as to make her unlikely to be a good mate.

You have to also consider that if your height was really the issues, then there were other solutions to address this besided cheating on you. She has chosen cheating twice, and frankly she is NOT a candidate for marriage until some very significant changes in her perspective on things changes.

I will just say, height has nothing to do with emails, or lying in bed, or...many other things. So her need for height is clearly not well handled by cheating. If it was a huge issue the correct solution was for her to end the relationship, which she may have now done but at great cost to you, and to herself.

Please read the articles here. Then really decide if this is the relationship you really want to save. The folks here will help you either way you chose.

I will close by repeating there are other issues in this relationship and I think you both have them. If you decide to save this relationship, get those issues on the table, perhaps a good counselor is going to be required to pull out what the problems really are. Your call.

I hope something I have said is of help to you.

God Bless,

JL

Here ya go:

Most Common MB Acronyms (Alphabetically):


A = Affair
R = Recovery or relationship(depending on context)
BS = Betrayed Spouse
BW = Betrayed Wife
BH = Betrayed Husband
D-Day = Discovery Day
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling Husband
DJ = Disrespectful Judgement
DV-Day = Divorce Day
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
EA = Emotional Affair
EN = Emotional Needs
FWH = Former Wayward Husband
FWW = Former Wayward Wife
FOO = Family of Origin
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed")
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"
H = Husband
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
LB = Love Bust(er)
MB = Marriage Builders
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)
OM = Other Man
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OP = Other Person
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OW = Other Woman
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
PA = Physical Affair
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
S = Spouse
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SF = Sexual Fulfillment
SO = Significant Other
W = Wife
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WW = Wayward Wife
WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")

Relationship Acronyms:
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend
BIL = Brother In Law
BM = Biological Mother
DD = Darling Daughter
DS = Darling Son
FIL = Father In Law
GF = Girlfriend
GP = Grand Parent(s)
MIL = Mother In Law
SD = Step Daughter
SF = Step Father
SIL = Sister In Law
SM = Step Mother
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex

MB specific Acronyms (CB MB forum members)
CB = Coined By
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens (CB… NSR... see Inspire (20))
PTC = Patience, Time and Consistency (CB… NSR... for Plan A to work!)
TDNT = That Do Nothing Thing (CB… NSR/RMA)

Generally accepted Acronyms:
BTW = By The Way
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
LMAO - Laughing My *Rump* Off
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My *Rump* Off
EOM = End Of Message

Divorce/Custody Acronyms:
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
DCW = Dept. of Child Welfare
FOC = Friend Of the Court
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome

Klr4Takoff, I am so sorry you are in this place. And though this is a marriage builders site, this woman you are engaged to is a serial cheater and is very poor marriage material. Sure, you can rebuild the passion but she will cheat on you and hurt you again. I know you have invested a good chunk of your life in her, but honestly, it's in your best interest not to invest any more.

Klr,

Welcome to MB even under this situation. I feel even though u have known this girl for 12 yrs its best to cut all ties before going to the alter. Why?

Shes a serial cheater. She didnt learn the first time and well I am sure she hasnt learned this time. Shes going to keep doing this and the more you take her back the more she will laugh at you behind your back.

I say suck it up and cut your losses. Protect yourself. Infidelity can drive you crazy.

How about she wants out but does not want to be the one to say it. So she keeps on banging OM until you realize it's over and you tell her so.

She is a serial cheater. Not because she was abused, not because you are a jerk, not because you are not attentive. Because she likes to have sex with other men. What don't you understand. She is able to lie to your face. And you are considering forgiving her. You need to read more here. Thank goodness you don't have kids with her. Dump her.