Hey L4!

Just a quick thought for you...

So, when I first started out in this R stuff... I was much on the path that you were. And got frustrated, angry, upset... all the things you've been going thru. Like I said-- ITS NORMAL.

I busted out of that pattern with a simple switch in my thinking, that I think might also benefit you. Its a hard one-- something that comes with PRACTICE. But I think you can do it

I would do all these things for my H... and get discouraged, down in the dumps, write posts just like yours... because I didn't see any reciprocation (or even APPRECIATION!) from H. Then I'd get in the proverbial "pi##ing contest" that Jim was talking about. Well fine-- if you don't appreciate it, then I won't initiate anymore, etc. (BTW-- also BTDT. Also normal. I went thru a period where I felt that H was totally uninterested in me sexually. He turned me away constantly. He never initiated. Still normal, L4).

I decided I wasn't doing all of this FOR H anymore. I was doing it because I HAD A DEBT TO PAY. And the ONLY way to pay this debt... was to be the BEST EEYOREE that I could be-- overall--- not just as a wife... NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE AROUND ME DID. H included. I was re-paying my debt... FOR MYSELF. Because I didn't want to feel like an enormous piece of crap anymore, everyday.

Its amazing, when I took everyone else out of the equation-- focused only on myself-- my H and my M improved too. Because being the best person I could be--- no matter what H did/said/thought that day/week... well, I was being the best wife I could be. It was about ME. Repaying MY debt. No matter what happened. And I didn't think I could do that in 6 months. Heck, I didn't think I could do it in a year. I'm still not 100% "paid up" in my mind-- probably won't ever be. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying. Its those expectations that keep creeping in and screwing up your game, L4! Its hard to keep them out. And it may be anti-MB-ish to say "focus on yourself"-- but if you are focusing on YOURSELF as a way to make yourself the best mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc etc that you can be... for yourself (no matter what anyone else around you does)... well, that's not selfish. Not in my book.

I understand what its like to have a miserable M BEFORE the A even happened. Yeah, I had that too (you read my old threads?? Dear lord, we had a miserable M-- and not all of it was H's fault. A lot was mine. I just seemed to think it was all his, at the time). Not having those "good times" to look back on, to remember, to "want to get back to" is REALLY hard. Its like you creating something from scratch. I get that.

I think you're doing fine, L4. These dips are normal. And if you dip emotionally, I think its fine to let it spill out here (be prepared for some 2X4s...)... but, don't let it affect your ACTIONS towards your H and your family. That's the key.

For example... we still hit bumps. H hit one at the end of last week. Friday, he was home from work before me... I knew he was "stewing". I came home, cheerily gave him a kiss... told him to get dressed. He asked where we were going... I said "out" with a smile... walked away, to get dressed myself. I took him out to feed the goats at the local farmer's market (long story...), out to dinner, and then to a movie he wanted to see (Wolverine). At the end of the night.... bad mood was gone! And he initiated SF the next morning, and when I sent him to the store to get some cream cheese for a dip I was making, he picked up a bouquet of flowers for me too-- for no reason.

See, if I would have came home and not engaged him just because he had been a p#ss ant for the past 3 days (which he had), well, we would have never broken that merry-go-round of bad moods. He would have been in a bad mood all Friday night-- putting me in a bad mood-- which would put him in a bad mood--- you see....

But, it wasn't about what he was or wasn't doing that Friday. It was about me being the best wife I could. We had no plans. I knew he wanted to see that movie. So-- I said "lets go", cheerily... and we did. I didn't say, I am doing this to "make you happy". Or even imply that. It was for me. And if he still would have been in a bad mood Saturday morning-- oh well. I was still proud of MYSELF. Either way.

Maybe this will help with you? I don't know. All I know is this little shift in thinking in my own head really shifted some dynamics in our M pretty quickly.

E.

hi all i've been coming here since i found out about my h's A jan. 1st 2009. its been pure hell.i ended up losing my job,and so depressed i was suicidal and spent a week in the hospital.i was able to leave the hospital only if i got counseling and medication,which i did and h and i went to marriage counseling also.only to find out he lied the whole time we were in counseling,he was still texting the ow,he claims he hasn't seen the ow since i found out about the A but has texted her.I have tryed plan A I have told him if he still has any contact with her im leaving I have written her a letter asking her not to have any contact with him ( she was a friend of mine).last visit to marriage counselor I told him I don't want to be married any more because i found out he was still texting her. he stormed out of the counselors office and was very mad at me,so we talked and I'm still hanging in there ,that was a month ago. I still don't trust him and I feel like im getting into a deeper depression again.will i ever be able to trust him again? should I just move on? this is very hard on me since Ive been in love with him since I 1st saw him in 2nd grade almost 40 years ago.we have been married for 20 years and have 4 children 1 grandchild can anyone help me Im so tired of being depressed and not trusting anything any more I now question my whole life with him? and i feel like im going crazy

This thread is for L4 to tell her story and get support. I have started a thread for you in the GQII section. Many more people are there to help you. I am sorry for the pain that you are in now.

Not sure how much more I will do this. My face hurts.

I pray I can.

Ditto.

So close you're standing on my head.

One of THE biggest. Being asked to face it every morning is very very difficult. It's not like a coat I can give away or a song I can change or an email I can delete. It's my life and my health. And in order to make it better, I end up having to face this huge trigger straight on. It's hard, it hurts, and it's something I have to figure a way around for the sake of my H and my own sanity.

I do. It's hard because I was good enough to be with 6 weeks ago. I haven't changed physically in that amount of time so... But yes. Looking hot again certainly won't hurt.

Okay. Because I really want this to be a part of our M. I love connecting with him this way. I'll keep initiating.

Thank you so much, rubydoo. So so so much.

Thank you.

and this is not your normal hug, it's a really really big one!

You sound like you regret being honest on here L4, but do you see where this honesty has taken you?

Some days I don't feel like a piece of crap. Some days I feel like a huge mound of it.

I understand what you're getting at here.

You're a BTDT carbon copy. When things get tough I think, 'Why am I working to save this M? It wasn't great anyway. Why the F am I doing this ? For me? For him? For the kids? For show?' I have to take a deep breath and remind myself I'm doing it for Better. And perhaps I'll get lucky and get even Best.

The whining and frustration you get here is because I don't do it in front of H. I "go to the park" or come to MB. This thread becomes my pillow to scream in, my punching doll, my sheet to crawl under, or my double shot of Patron.

WELL DONE, E!

As you should be.

Thank you. And I understand what you're saying. It's a combination of taking the higher road and doing the right thing not so that I receive accolades. But because it's the right thing to do and I want to hold my head up at the end of the day -- even if the only recognition comes from God and myself. And hopefully, eventually, H will notice.

I'm fortunate to receive your time, E. Thank you very much for making it here.

The folks here can help, donnakin. I know they can. Post, read, absorb, and do.

Good luck to you.


(Thanks for guiding her, SS2.)

Yes. (She says while applying another ice pack to her cheek.)

I love hugs. Especially really really big ones. Thank you.

L4, keep screaming, keep punching, keep crawling. That's what we're here for.

Had a good weekend. Worked hard and had some playtime with a very good friend whom I haven't seen in 3 years. She's one of those rocks in my life who I need to call on more than I do. I shared with her the whole deal. Everything. She held my hand and said jokingly with a sly smile and wink, "I'm almost relieved to finally see that L4 isn't the perfect little angel I've always thought of. It's been hard living up to you." She was trying to make light of the heavy conversation. I told her I wish I could have proven that to her another way, as this has been devastating. She agreed. She does not condone what I did and is disappointed in me while very empathetic toward my H. She meant it as she's always thought of my life as so perfect. She was blown away to learn the truth. Hers life has been one of the toughest I've witnessed. She talked about letting her be an example to me that if I work hard and remain honest, things will improve. She is a friend of our M and a very very dear friend of mine. It was good to re-connect.

Did a lot of work in the yard, cleaning the house, working with the new dog, playing with the kids, trying some new meals, and plenty o' laundry. H had his motorcycle classes all weekend and he went for a long ride yesterday which helped him unwind from his intense week. Unfortunately we didn't have any UA at all. I was exhausted from mowing, pruning, and rolling 18" boulders all around our yard so I was in bed at 9pm.

H and I got into some heated discussions concerning the dog and some other household business Saturday and also Sunday. I responded every time by clamming up because we had guests in the house or the kids were near or it was getting too ugly and unproductive. Last night we started up again in the kitchen and after several interuptions by H, I did as I have to and left the conversation and went to our bedroom. I said, "I have to leave because this is becoming too much. We can talk later." H came in 20 seconds later and I asked him to please leave. He refused. He said he just wanted me to answer some questions. I said I'd answer them later. He insisted I answer "now" and I knew he wouldn't give me my space until I did, so I answered them directly and offered nothing more. I felt I was going to explode, lying on the bed with my hands over my eyes. I asked him again to leave me alone so I could regroup. He fussed around a bit then finally left. It wasn't pretty but I kept saying, "Keep your cool. Come back to it later. Keep your cool. Come back to it later." I am happy to report that I, in fact, did not explode.

Let's just say, no enthusiastic agreement was ever reached. H is going to do things his way. And in this case, I'll let him. I tried to express my opinion -- not because H wanted it but because I thought my opinion might be relevant -- but the fighting wasn't worth it. We were both so tired.

We went to bed with tension still in the air.

H woke up this morning like nothing happened. So I guess it is what it is. It was a reminder that I can't get caught up in the POJA stuff yet. We're so not there. I have to stay focused getting up another hill.

I worked out this morning. I've got more work coming in (more $$). I'm making one of the family's favorite dinners tonight while I'll have salad mixings, and DD8 has a ballgame later. Back to regular life and healing H.

I can do this.

BTW, L4... congrats on the new dog!!! I love dogs. I have a 6 year old Australian Shepherd/Rottie mix that I adopted from the pound 5 years ago. She's my love muffin. What kind of dog did you get? What did you name him/her? Our dog's name is Diamond-- she's my Diamond in the rough (she was a furry nightmare when we first got her... but I'm proud to say she's a certified therapy dog that's too smart for her own good today!).

I'm sorry to hear that this weekend wasn't the best for you though. It sounds like you did good keeping your composure though.

E.

Don't you mean Diamond in the "ruff"?

Her name is Sandy. You can see her here. She is a true sweetheart. At the PAWS shelter, they said she's part German Shepherd and part golden retriever. But we think she has spaniel or something else too because her tail curls up over her back when she's really happy. She's 1-year-old and is such a love.

Oh, she is beautiful, really really beautiful - I want one. Next spring is when we plan to.

Hello Looking4,

You have received some great advice lately particularly by rubydoo and eeyoree, who understand EXACTLY what you are going through...

and I just wanted to let you know you ARE on the right track, just stay focused on what is important...

and not on whats not.

Remember WE ALL went through some absolutely disheartening times in recovery with successes and failures, feeling inadequate and rejected, worried whether we would make it or not.

You are doing fine.

Keep a VERY open mind about everything and try not to live and die every day with either you or your H moods.

It's like you said about your argument, the next day he was fine like nothing had happened.

That's the way it is in recovery, you hope to see a little improvement in how you BOTH handle adversity, not that it's going to be smooth everyday...

that fight that before might have lasted days, now is gone overnight.

That's all part of it.

Remember me asking you to be the best Looking4 you can be and NOT focused on what your H is doing for you or not doing for you???

The above quote by eeyoree is dead on and says it perfectly...

Forget about what your H's EVERY reaction is to what you do...

The litmus test is...

AM I BEING THE BEST WIFE I CAN BE???

Am I doing EVERYTHING needed as a great wife and mother???

If you are becoming the best wife and mother ANYONE could hope for...

That gives 100% of herself to her God, H, and children...

In that order...

You will have provided your marriage with the ABSOLUTE BEST chance of recovery...

and you will be able to look at yourself with pride and hope for your future...

like KiwiJ, rubydoo, eeyoree, Mrs.Mark, LG, Mrs.Flint and all the others that have turned their marriages around.

You're right...

You CAN do this...



God bless.

Jim

Oh she is so pretty L4, and looks like she has a gentle demeanor about her.
Great time to get a dog .... it's sheddin' time. The fur has been flyin' around here, I could make a mat, sweater, stuff a pillow perhaps ...
But you gotta love them.

We have a German Shepherd and a mutt (the pup of the dog my wife rescued last fall... ). We haven't had the pup long enough to know how much she will shed but the shepherd sheds so much by mid-summer that everything I own looks like a fur coat.

We can brush her every day or two and each time we get enough fur to make a dog that size...

How are things going, L4?

Mark

I've been better. But don't worry about H. He doesn't know. Thanks to everyone's encouragement here, I'm working hard tending to his L$ with 100% effort, including exercising and eating better these last few days. And I'm doing so with a smile on my face.

In this very moment, I am really really sad, reading about DNU1. I've been following his journey because his D-day was close to ours, so I've been seeing how a BH within the same timeline as my H might be doing.

How can some WWs not appreciate what their BH's do for them after D-day? To have their husband fawning over them, paying attention, listening, loving, caring, comforting, depositing and depositing in their L$...

There's a string of broken BHs around here who are moving mountains to have their WWs fall back in love with them again only to have their wives betray them with dishonesty, omittance, or another OM -- DNU1, Zen, mgolfer, goldpig... To have a man fighting for you and doing everything he can to make your M better... Why do some women not see, embrace, and never let go of such a gift?! How can they not see how unbelievably lucky they are?!

I think about this and get so sad and simulaneously very angry. The little emoticons here can't begin to represent how I'm feeling. I just don't get it...

Other stuff too... But just trying to wrap my brain around this at the moment.

I need distractions. Many distractions...

Maybe we should get your dogs, Mark, E's Diamond, V's pooch, and Sandy and start a sweater shop. Thanks to V's idea, we could call it "The Flying Fur".

I'm really bummed out too about DNU1, for every reason you said. I honestly can't even imagine how horrific he feels. I could puke for him.

Distraction .... sweater shop sounds awesome, natural, no harm to animals in the process ....

But I have a joke, wanna hear? I have to post it somewhere before I forget it and I don't think there's any takers on the fun thread.