keep it going Sparky

will keep you in our prayers that you remain strong

Thank you, so much.

I'm working so hard on turning my life around to give Spartan the wife that he so much deserves.

He wants to believe in the changes but is rightfully reserved. I've created this environment and now it's up to me to clean up the tsunami.

Our counselor told me last night that I am more powerful that I think I am right now.

I've heard the statement "only a miracle of God can save this marriage" and that isn't discouraging to me, because I believe in His miracles. Two of them a gave birth to.

There were a couple of things that came out on Spartan's side during counseling last night that hurt.

She had asked him where he felt his role in the marriage was. There was a very long pause and he said, "I don't know". I had a feeling that that was truly how he felt before he even replied. I've beaten him down so many times that I'm sure he feels decimated as a man and husband and I don't think that I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. I really don't think that I should, either because it was never ok.

The other thing is that I know I have a lot of work ahead of me and I'm already in motion with Jennifer's plan. I don't expect him to jump on board right away because I've been dishonest for so long so right now I will be the one to put forth all of the effort. What concerns me is that in the beginning of the marriage, I enabled him to have IB's. At this point in time, I don't feel that I have any room to ask him to work in to an MB marriage.

I owe him so much and I'm offering but he's not taking. I still don't know what he has going on during the day or what his plans for lunch are so it makes it difficult. I'm concentrating on my own LB's and keeping quiet with him about his.

>I'm offering but he's not taking.

Do you blame him for this?

C'mon now.

This is a man that EVERY time he reaches into the cookie jar, someone snaps a wolf trap on his arm. Do you blame him for not wanting to chance MAYBE being able to snag a cookie? Shoot, the man is still bleeding out from the LAST time he tried for a snack.

It's going to take a lot more than a week for him to even THINK about a cookie, Cookie.

How are you doing today?

We are ok. Going through some some stuff not affair related that is drawing us closer to God and each other. It'll be ok because I know I'm in good hands.

Life happens.

The alternative is much worse than "life happening".

I have an idea for you that we started doing when FWH broke contact the final time:

I printed up some monthly calendars and put them up. Every day before we go to bed he crosses out another day of NC. We also "rate" the day as good, bad, triggered, amazing, etc. It's a good form of actually seeing the progress we've made and how many MONTHS it's been since he talked to OW. We look forward to crossing off the day every night as it's another day further into recovery. And when we look back and see a row of not-so-good days, we explore the reasons why. This helps to break the cycle so that particular problem doesn't bring us back down again.

drgnfly

Omgosh, drgnfly that's a great idea! We have a family calendar on the wall but I think I'll get a separate one for us to start and hang it in our bedroom.

I'm proud to have 10-days of progress behind me because it really feels so good. The paranoia has gone and so has the stress and anxiety of trying to hide things from Spartan. Today was my off Friday and I followed my EP's to a "T". He came home for a bit in the morning and I brought him a Starbucks after I got out of the dentist's office.

Movie night tonight with me and the boys until dad gets home from meeting a friend to talk about doing some work on his car. He's an awesome mechanic!!

Have a great weekend.....I may check in depending on what we have going on. It's more important to spend time with he and the kids than the computer, anyway.

Well, so far the weekend has started out fairly distant between us.

I invited him to go out with the boys and I last night to a fast food pasta place before he met with his friend and he declined saying he wasn't hungry. In retrospect, I should have just made a dinner at home to spend time the 20 minutes or so with him before he left. He ended up not coming home until 9:00 after a few drinks. I had already watched Open Season 2 with the kids and put them to bed.

This morning, he immediately wanted SF and I wasn't ready to engage because the kids were already in full swing, running around and I was too distracted by them. He felt rejected (and I apologized) and he stayed in bed after I got up to make breakfast. I brought him a cup of coffee and breakfast in bed which he thanked me for after I left the bedroom.

He left a couple of hours ago and called me to tell me to clean the house. I had asked for help, but he made several excuses on how hard it would be if since he's working on his friend's car. As much as I wanted to get upset, I said "ok" and am taking a break from that to make this post. Since I've stopped the affair, he's reverted back to his original behavior. Having an MB marriage takes a large amount of work and I don't know if he is even interested in doing it. Not to sound like I'm throwing out a DJ, but as long as the affair is over and he's getting SF and a clean house, he's good with that. He's been complaining about getting new glasses for months and I've told him to just call and make an appointment and he never has. I finally scheduled one for him online with Lenscrafters for tomorrow at 2:00. I don't want to be his mom but he doesn't take the initiative to take care of himself.

He's VERY focused on every single thing that I "should" be doing (which Jennifer warned us not to do) and I've been keeping quiet about it with him.

I don't want our relationship to go back to the way it was pre-A, but that's where we are today. IB's and DJ's for him and lack of SF for me.

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming....." Dorie from Finding Nemo.

ETA: SF is going to need to be more creative for us right now until I get more tests done to find out where I'm at. It's painful and causes bleeding every time. STD tests came back negative.

You have a lot to make up to him...but at the same time, you rejecting him for SF hurts him a lot.

After all, in his mind, you didn't have any trouble with OM...so why, he thinks, should you have trouble with him?

This recovery is solely dependent on you. You have a tremendous load to carry to make this work. You've worked real hard to get it to this state. You have to work quadruply hard to get it out of this. That means bending till you almost break. Granted ..Spartan has his end to hold up, but your load far outweighs his. Do you truly fathom how far below the ground you have crushed him? If you do..grinning and bearing it will be your motto.

I am INCREDIBLY disappointed to read this Sparky...Even under normal circumstances I would be, but ESPECIALLY based upon where your marriage is right now...Go read what the Bible says about denying your spouse sex...It's a no-no, except in times when you are "fasting" to grow closer to the Lord...Your body belongs to your husband and his to you...I don't want to hear excuses about children (or anything else)...God says "forsaking ALL others"...

Spartan needs some serious reassurance right now...Are you listening? He NEEDS you...I can guess what went through his mind regarding this rejection and how you didn't reject OM...UGH...Don't let this happen again...

Mrs. W

Don't break out the big guns just yet, folks!!

We indulged at my request mid-afternoon in between cleaning the bathrooms and laundry. I set the kids up on Wii as a distraction.

Very good and well done, just so you know..we will ride you like the lone ranger rode silver..but it's all for good

Our rollercoaster is in full swing with the highs and lows.

This morning, Spartan asked me when I was going to write my no contact letter. I told him that I did it on 4/21 and that it was e-mailed to the house. Dealan-de forwarded it (just to make sure he got it) and now he can't find it. He hasn't even taken the time to read and/or check all of the e-mails that I sent with all of my passwords, logins to work e-mail or anything but he's been riding me about things that I've already provided to him. Out of frustration, I asked him when he was going to write his EP's and he said, "I don't think I need to". He also won't read any of the books.

I busted my rump all weekend long on housework, laundry, kids and grocery shopping. I asked him this morning if he could please strip DS1's bed so that I could put it in the washer before I left for work. He said, "not right now" and so I took care of it.

I understand and encourage him to work through his anger, but treating me like a doormat and not putting forth ANY effort at all isn't helping either one of us. Getting back at me by not doing hs part in recovery isn't the MB way. Even before the A's we had, we went to marriage counseling and he wouldn't do the work.

I will continue on with recovery no matter what. I will provide SF for him no matter what.

These are consequences of your actions. Considering that you just ripped out Spartan's heart 14 days ago again, you should be happy that he is even attempting recovery. YOU are going to have to carry the load in R for a while until he gains the strength to join you. This is not the humbleness you've been told about. Recovery is not going to happen on your time frame.

Want2Stay

But when we counseled with Jennifer, she gave us both assignments and cautioned us watch our LB's with each other.

AHH ... EXCUSES, supported by wayward BLAMESHIFTING!!!

W2S NAILED it!!!

So you're saying that Jennifer's advice was incorrect?