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Well, that's one area I disagree with MB on. Maybe it's my filter, cos I basically gave up my life to please H. But I look at those old couples in the restaurants who eat but never talk...if each of them had even one hobby they could talk about think how much more interesting their lives would be.

Of course, a better approach would be to find things to do together. Did I ever post that list for you?

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What list? Post away, Cat!


BS - 60
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Married 24 years, together 25
D-Day - 02/09/2009
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Originally Posted By: catperson
Well, that's one area I disagree with MB on. Maybe it's my filter, cos I basically gave up my life to please H. But I look at those old couples in the restaurants who eat but never talk...if each of them had even one hobby they could talk about think how much more interesting their lives would be.

Of course, a better approach would be to find things to do together. Did I ever post that list for you?
I totally get the whole sharing a hobby so we can chat easier, but I just can't say I feel like I want to give up my art just because H won't take up an art hobby.

And, I'm still struggling with the whole RC thing, most of the RCs are his. Gym= Him (Sweating my arse off is NOT my idea of a good time, but I grin and bear it, and I think H thinks I like it), Biking= Him (He's much more athletic, so he makes me feel like I'm no fun because I can't get do what he can. I'm asthmatic, he isn't, etc)... and I can't join him for one of his hobbies because I am allergic... and me, well, shoot. I like our dates to the drive-in or a dinner out, but that gets expensive and the conversation doesn't come as easy as it used to so it's awkward sigh

I wish I could get him to shop recreationally. I'd totally love him to come help me pick out some nighties, but alas, it wouldn't fit with his facade of "I don't like you, I'm not attracted to you. I only "do" you when I'm feeling the urge because you happen to be available, but I don't really like it."


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WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
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I used to keep typing these ideas out; finally got smart and just make a document of them. If you think of any others, let me know and I'll add them to this.

Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.

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Originally Posted By: catperson
I used to keep typing these ideas out; finally got smart and just make a document of them. If you think of any others, let me know and I'll add them to this.

Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.
Well Ima gonna write off the online gaming as a good idea because Facebook started this LOL...Oh, and starting a business in times of stress? NoThankYouVeryMuchLOL I own my own small biz and I've been neglecting it because of all of this. Biking, you see my issue. Gardening is his hobby and I'm not a dirt fiend, plus the wildlife just wreck it all, and he's not into aesthetics anyway, so it would not be a togetherly thing...and a family reunion? OY! Or HGTV projects? Oy! Board games, video games, movies and dancing if his schedule would just permit it.


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
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I detect a huge sense of not willing to consider options.

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Are you kidding? I have totally been a good sport on so much... I just need to get even further out of the box with him.... I wish I could just get him addicted to scrapbooking, too LOL


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
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Um...ok.

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Originally Posted By: catperson
Um...ok.
Hey, whose side are you on??? *snort*

I go to the gym with him, I go on walks, drives, mock drive-ins, bought us a chess board, go out to dinner, and am trying to build up my muscles to tolerate a bike seat without feeling like I am wearing a couple of doorstops up my vajayjay and bootay LOL

I'm also helping him job search so we can get on a schedule that makes more sense for us. Then we'll take classes... dancing and such...


ETA- and the invites to sex sounds GRAND except he'll be a d**k about it.

Last edited by WhiteRussian; 04/30/09 11:33 PM.

BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
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Well, this morning started off a little rocky. Childs laundry is getting low and I have been soooooo busy that the sock stash was so small that H thought child had none. sigh So he then tells child, "I'll have to maybe pull socks out of the laundry because Mommy didn't have any clean for you." (Which was wrong, as there were 3 pairs matched already that just weren't ideal for the outfit, and another pair in the clean pile H has strewn about and refused to tidy up) Ummmm OK, this is a pisser. Seriously, I work P/T and run a small biz AND have a very demanding contract assignment right now. H sees childs undies and socks becoming slimmer pickin's, too, so why is it just ASSUMED to be all me?!? No appreciation whatsofarkling ever! UGH. So, without LB's and with only a stern voice I again stood my ground. Seriously, the man thinks chores do themselves. His big contribution? Trash and loading/unloading dishwasher sigh Except the trash is only emptied maybe twice per week even though it needs out 3-4 times a week, and the dishes are only done by him about every 3rd day though that's usually because we RUN OUT of things we need. Grrrrr. Why must I work what amounts to at least 40 hours per week, too, AND still be the one whom all household failures are blamed upon?!?!? Grrrrrrr!

So.... next time relationship talk comes up again, I'm going to let H decide if we take up with the coaching or we start with the MC my IC recommended... he can decide. Then, I'll either use the coaching with him or maybe use it without him...

And I am hopeful that the weather is nice tomorrow, as I have quite the day planned (all family time, but still, good fun ala Plan A). Farmer's Market in the AM, then a tour and playtime at a park we found while driving the other night, then an evening date of some sort... perhaps makeshift drive-in. And Sunday night we have comedy club tickets that I won, again WOOT!

Last edited by WhiteRussian; 05/01/09 12:33 PM. Reason: clarity

BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
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Nobody got nothin to say to me frown

I'm bored, lonely, and needy again... so I'll post...


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Hi WR...I've been off to work, and now my husband is home for the weekend...so will not be around.

I'm not really into the joined at the hip thing, especially when interests vary so much. I'm not one to talk, though, since my own marriage is one big fat mess.

I do think it makes a difference if spouses are enthusiastic and supportive of each other's interests. I am into art, and my husband is fully supportive of it, and actually frames for me. I don't do it WITH him, but it is something we have in common. And I support things he does, even if I don't join in every time.

Perhaps you could parallel RC. Is there something your husband likes to do that he could do at the same time and same place?

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We're trying to figure out a sit down activity of a creative type nature that he could do while I'm working my art in my studio.


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What about model building? Airplanes, cars, stuff like that? Go to a large hobby store and there's lots of different things...


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I highly doubt he'd have any interest in those. He's really not all that toolsy... I am going to try to see if I can get him into something like that with me, but who knows.

On another note... I'm having a sh1t day because I woke up this morning and realized that next week I would've been confirming a gender for the pregnancy I lost. As I said before, I had not really felt like I dealt with the loss at all, what with the timing and all. All of the sudden it hits like a tonne of bricks. It's hard, too, because I remember when I was pregnant with kidlet, and this one actually had the same due date only 6 years later, so I keep walking through the calendar thinking about all the little steps. A few weeks ago should have been the first strong kicks, not just flutters. Next week would have been confirming gender (I had felt it was a boy)... and then if it was like with kidlet, within a couple weeks we'd have then widdled down a name from the list... and around the beginning of July we'd be seeing him move from the outside of my belly and noticing how he reacted to sounds...

Now, it rips me a bit. No, actually rips me apart. I wanted him. I know alot of people don't/won't get it, but he was real to me. And I also feel like a bit of a sh1t for having told myself then that he shouldn't be there... I know it's not really rational, but I struggle with feeling like I killed him... like my not saying "I want you, I love you, hang on tight til I can meet you" weakened it all... H says I need to think of it like a helicopter... he was coming in for a landing and then decided to go back and circle, but might very well be back later. I'm feeling crappy today. A very big part of me is struggling with that whole want and need to identify when I'll next be holding a baby... and the fact that we are in recovery, even at the beginning as we are, I finally feel like I can see the future again. Like for months I couldn't dream because I didn't know how my family would look... but now I know we're gonna make it... and I'm sitting here kinda feeling the absence. The void where the little guy would've been...

*sigh*

Slap me if you absolutely must, but seriously, not too hard. I'm feeling crappy and torn enough, and no amount of non-emotionally based wisdom is really going to make a big difference at this precise moment, as I am already aware of how off this all sounds, but that doesn't stop the feelings. Feelings are what they are, even when they're not logical or "right." *sigh*


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Hugs to you, today.

You are doing a great job.

About sharing the time together. What does your husband like to do besides going to the gym.

Could you purchase a piece of equipment or a weight bench so he could work out while you art? (We use art as a verb in our house) Does he like to read? Would that be an option? How about TV? I think being in the same space counts even if you are not interacting all of the time.

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(((WhiteRussian))) So sorry you are hurting.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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{{{WR}}} I'm so sorry for your loss. frown

How about going to church to say a prayer or light a candle for him?

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Oh, WR, I am so very sorry for your loss. There has to be a reason for this though, as difficult as that is.

You are in my thoughts and hugs...


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FHL- We do watch TV together, but I'm aiming for convo time. He wouldn't lift for more than an hour, so though I have been watching out for used equipment, I wonder what use it will be...

Cat- Even if I was a church-goer type, I just don't know that that would help. As a Jew, there is some old belief out there that pauses the candle idea, anyway... I can't remember it fully, but something about it gives me pause. That and the fact that if I did light it for him, it would eventually just go out and that would bug me, too... I want to hold him, kiss him, sing to him and for H and I to share all those little firsts of his. That's what I want. I want him. There's nothing that comforts that, except in some small way I used to be comforted by trying again, and dreaming again... 6 of these losses, you'd think I'd get better at it, but darnit if this one doesn't feel almost worse... the fact that he was due the same day as kidlet was, just adds to it, because I *know* week by week all that I am missing. I remember when kidlet first fluttered... kicked... had hiccups... danced inside me to music on the radio... I remember looking at that ultrasound, being told a gender, and knowing instantly that that dropped our list from 12 names to 6...

I'm very fearful of a protracted holding pattern...

In June we are traveling, including some very significant religious sites... before all of this happened, before the baby was lost, I had dreamed that this was our time, that we'd come back from those holy places and I'd be pregnant. I didn't dream I'd be going back on birth-control, bleeding like a stuck pig through my whole vacation, and pumping myself full of hormones to prevent a baby...

This morning we talked about it and he went into the whole "if it is meant to be, he'll be back again later." I said, well it's not like we're Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar, so fertile that we can be assured that leaving it up to G-d we will have another within 12 months, so if the "meant to be" argument stands then let's let it be. He said that was an interesting point, though he wasn't entirely sure about that being a great strategy for now. I just want to know we're not going to be on hold forever, because even once we are in a not-trying-&-not-preventing mode, it could be 1-2-3 years or more, like before.

*ack* This sucks.

I want my life back.


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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