My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years now. She and I have never cheated on each other. I came to this forum in order to gain a better understanding and maybe a way to deal with my feelings. 7 years ago, I was engaged to another woman. It was a long distance relationship, as I was in the military, stationed in Connecticut, and she lived at home in Missouri. To make a long story short, she cheated on me and got pregnant 2 weeks before our wedding. I only thank god that she had the honesty to tell me. But the problem is 7 years later, I still have not fully gotten over that betrayal. I trust my wife completely, that has never been an issue. I just don't trust anyone else. I get extremely jealous if another man even talks to her, let alone make eyes at her. I hate flirting with a passion. While my feelings have improved in the last 7 years, the past 4 haven't been much of an improvement. I have never accused my wife of anything. On the contrary, I have always reassured her that I trust her. But my feelings of jealousy drive her up the wall. As a matter of fact, it is one of the two main factors as to why she is living with her father right now with our daughters. We still see each other and we are both fighting to save this marriage. But this is one of the issues I have to deal with. I cannot just forget about what that other woman did to me, and the answer of "I'm not her" doesn't help either. Is there any hope or miracle cure(yeah, right!) for me to get over this. I don't want to be like this, but everytime, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that nearly kills me. I am so afraid of losing the woman that I love more than anything else in the world, that I don't want anything to come between us. But I am the one coming in between us. Help.....

That's a tough one. Why is it that you don't feel you can trust her?

I believe I specifically stated that I trust my wife completely. Read a little closer<BR>

You are dealing with the pain of infidelity, but you wife did not betray you. Its seems that maybe you never recovered from you fiance's betrayal and are projecting those unresolved emotions onto your wife. Your wife "is not her" Your insecurities are justified as a result of a betrayal, BUT your wife did not do it. <P>I have a friend that I call Rapunzel because her fiance' is so insanely jealous that I believe he would love to lock her up in a castle away from any breathing male with eyes. He plays tricks on her to try to "catch" her, however, she has not given him any reason to doubt her. At first she thought the attention was cute, but she is stifled by it. One reason they have not set a date is because she can't imagine a life w/him locked away at home.<P>Your former fiance' betrayed you...that's over and you have a wife. You may never know why you were betrayed, but that's in the past. Read through this site on Dr. Harley's needs and perhaps you will find something useful. For me, honesty and accountability are intesified needs after being betrayed. Your wife can't change what former fiance did to you...but can, perhaps, help you to address those needs that you desire most. She, however, should not have to bear the burden of what someone else did to you. Good Luck and God Bless!

LucasSkye,<BR> That must have really been a shocker to find out that the woman you were about to marry was pregnant by another man. Thank goodness that she told you before the wedding, instead of after.<P> Now, that must have been a terrible blow to your self-esteem. I think that I'm understanding you to say that you trust your wife, but you don't trust other men who may talk to her or flirt with her. Is that right?<P> Well, it seems to me that you have never reconciled yourself to the fact that your ex-fiancee was the one with the problem---not you. My point is that if she had not chosen to cheat with the guy she cheated with, it would have been with another guy.<P> Yeah, maybe you weren't meeting all her needs (again---don't blame yourself; you were too far away), but she is the one who made the decision to cheat. If she wasn't going to cheat, it wouldn't matter what other guys said to her or that other guys flirted with her. She would have told them to "buzz off."<P> Your wife cannot control the behavior of other men toward her. If she's an attractive and friendly person, men are quite naturally going to admire her and flirt with her. If you find her attractive, why shouldn't other men find her so, as well?<P> I think you believe that you trust your wife, but you really don't. You see, the most handsome and richest guy in the world could flirt and carry on with your wife, and if she loves you and is happy in her marriage with you, it would mean nothing. See? Another man cannot force your wife to be unfaithful.<P> The person you don't trust the most, I think, is yourself. For some reason, you seem to think that your wife is going to find you wanting and will eventurally turn to one of these guys who may or may not be interested in her. However, <P> I don't know if you're in any kind of counseling or not, but you really do need to find a good counselor so that you can work on your self-esteem issues.<BR> <BR> In the meantime, try to understand your wife's needs and try to meet them. Always let her know that you love her. But, please, give her a break and don't hassle her about other men's behavior, since she isn't responding to their come-ons and can't stop other men from looking at her and showing interest. Just think to yourself, "Yeah, dream on, fella! She's all mine!" and smile at the guy.<BR>

I can certainly see why your W is upset. Looks like you need some counseling. Perhaps your W could go with you to help you resolve your problems. It's easy to say "get over it" but obviously you can't. So get some help from someone experienced. I'm sure your W would support you in this decision.<P>SHA

Hi LucasSkye,<P>I hope you don't take offense in this...<P>I think that you THINK you trust your wife, but deep down you can't really make that commitment. Maybe you were burned so bad by the first time that you can't really deep down in the dark recesses of your personality trust someone like you did before.<P>Think about this -- why are you so angry when another person flirts (or even talks) with your wife? Because you are afraid of losing her, right? And how exactly would you lose her? Only if she made the clear decision to go off with this guy. You won't lose her any other way. I mean, you're not afraid that they'll grab her by the hair and drag her away against her will are you? So at the root of it, you're worried that she'll find one of these guys more attractive than you and leave you. And so you get angry.<P>It's okay not to trust the intentions of other men, especially if they seem to be paying an inordinate amout of attention to your wife. But if you truly trust her, then you would know in your heart that she will do the right thing and rebuff that person. Therefore the anger would dissipate pretty quickly or not even really show up.<P>Okay, I'm no psychiatrist and I might be out in left field here, but that is my gut interpretation just based on what you said in your post. I think any kind of strong jealously like you describe has it's basis in not trusting the one you should trust (even if you believe you DO trust).<P>--airheart

hi lucas, are you in counseling? Perhaps a qualified counselor is in order here. Seems to me that carrying this weight and pain for 7 yrs is just a little long? A little too much pain for your kids too. Only you can make the choice to trust and move forward with your life. Look at the pain, feel it, and work towards letting it go. Don't give the incident any more power over your family. (((hugs)))

My first husband cheated. It hurt very very bad. I thought I was over it, until I started having suspicions with my second husband.<P>I know the feelings you are having, and as CL suggested, you should look for a counselor. You can ruin your marriage with your suspicions.

First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your replies and advice. Maybe you are right, and deep down I don't trust her, even though I tell myself I do. I had my first counselling session this morning. This was one of the major topics discussed. I can't believe that I have carried this around inside of me for this long. As I stated in the original post, I was well on my way to destroying my marriage. I just hope that somehow we can rebuild what we once had before. We are also seeing a marriage counsellor. <BR> I have another question. I don't remember feeling this deep need for affection from a woman before all this. Is this also a result of the same trauma? I think it must be, since it seems to relate somewhat.<BR>