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What difference does it make what Jennifer's advice to him was? Reality is that you cannot force him to change his actions, same way he couldn't force you not to sleep with another man while claiming to be in recovery. Bellyaching over him not doing his "fair share" or "following advice" will change nothing ... and if you're so intent on keeping score, why not compare your actions in the previous recovery with his. Reality is that you've hurt him beyond belief -- beyond what most would even consider grounds for a second chance -- and YOU are going to be doing the heavy lifting for quite awhile.

And that seems plenty fair to me ...

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At this point MS, why don't you just worry about your own LB's.

Hand write another NC letter and have Spartan put it in the envelope and he can mail it himself. Do whatever he wants you to do and stop whining about what he is not doing for you. You are right back to the very first D-Day for crying out loud.

Spartan is ungrounded in every aspect of his life.

You continue to make this all about you. Grow up.


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Originally Posted by MutedSparkle
So you're saying that Jennifer's advice was incorrect?

NOT AT ALL ... I'm saying that YOUR wrong. You are twisting/spinning Jennifer's words to justify your entitled and manipulative behavior.

Read Want2Stay's post to you AGAIN ... he "gets it" ... you don't!!!

You need to get your head around just how much damage to Spartan that you've left in your wake, and then bust your a$$ to make it up to him. This is YOUR mess to clean up ... not HIS. BECAUSE of your behavior, you have the accept MOST of the "heavy lifting" in R ... don't expect him to contribute much until he heals from the sucking chest wound YOU inflicted.

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Sparky --

Let me ask you this...

Are you committed to saving this marriage if it means that you won't get ANY of your needs met for a month? Maybe after that point in time, Spartan will start to see the consistancy in your actions and possibly STARTS to let his walls down.

What if that takes 3 months? Can you go 3 months without getting ANY of your top EN's met?

What if that takes 6 months?

What if that takes 9 months?

What if that takes a YEAR?

Just how committed are you to doing WHATEVER it takes for AS LONG AS IT TAKES?




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Originally Posted by Lexxxy
Sparky --What if that takes 3 months? Can you go 3 months without getting ANY of your top EN's met?

What if that takes 6 months?

What if that takes 9 months?

What if that takes a YEAR?
MS, this is exactly it.

I asked you before, what are you willing to give up to fix yourself and rebuild your M?


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Originally Posted by Lexxxy
Sparky --

Let me ask you this...

Are you committed to saving this marriage if it means that you won't get ANY of your needs met for a month? Maybe after that point in time, Spartan will start to see the consistancy in your actions and possibly STARTS to let his walls down.

What if that takes 3 months? Can you go 3 months without getting ANY of your top EN's met?

What if that takes 6 months?

What if that takes 9 months?

What if that takes a YEAR?

Just how committed are you to doing WHATEVER it takes for AS LONG AS IT TAKES?

Yes. I will stand down now.

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Originally Posted by Vittoria
I asked you before, what are you willing to give up to fix yourself and rebuild your M?

I made a list of EP's that barr any behavior that is inappropriate in our marriage. Spiritually, I am seeking guidance from the bible and praying DAILY.

I haven't gone outside of my EP's since 4/21 and for me, that was a drastic change. Perhaps that's what is throwing Spartan for a loop. He is afraid to trust it and rightfully so. My behavior is completely different than it was before. I'm a very social person and in the last 2wks, I hardly talk to anyone at all.

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Originally Posted by MutedSparkle
Originally Posted by Vittoria
I asked you before, what are you willing to give up to fix yourself and rebuild your M?

I made a list of EP's that barr any behavior that is inappropriate in our marriage. Spiritually, I am seeking guidance from the bible and praying DAILY.

I haven't gone outside of my EP's since 4/21 and for me, that was a drastic change. Perhaps that's what is throwing Spartan for a loop. He is afraid to trust it and rightfully so. My behavior is completely different than it was before. I'm a very social person and in the last 2wks, I hardly talk to anyone at all.
Wrong answer.
Keep thinking.


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Originally Posted by Vittoria
Originally Posted by MutedSparkle
Originally Posted by Vittoria
I asked you before, what are you willing to give up to fix yourself and rebuild your M?

I made a list of EP's that barr any behavior that is inappropriate in our marriage. Spiritually, I am seeking guidance from the bible and praying DAILY.

I haven't gone outside of my EP's since 4/21 and for me, that was a drastic change. Perhaps that's what is throwing Spartan for a loop. He is afraid to trust it and rightfully so. My behavior is completely different than it was before. I'm a very social person and in the last 2wks, I hardly talk to anyone at all.
Wrong answer.
Keep thinking.

I'm also trying to meet his top 5 EN's. SF, Admiration, Conversation, RC and Honesty & Openness.

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Originally Posted by MutedSparkle
Originally Posted by Vittoria
Originally Posted by MutedSparkle
Originally Posted by Vittoria
I asked you before, what are you willing to give up to fix yourself and rebuild your M?

I made a list of EP's that barr any behavior that is inappropriate in our marriage. Spiritually, I am seeking guidance from the bible and praying DAILY.

I haven't gone outside of my EP's since 4/21 and for me, that was a drastic change. Perhaps that's what is throwing Spartan for a loop. He is afraid to trust it and rightfully so. My behavior is completely different than it was before. I'm a very social person and in the last 2wks, I hardly talk to anyone at all.
Wrong answer.
Keep thinking.

I'm also trying to meet his top 5 EN's. SF, Admiration, Conversation, RC and Honesty & Openness.
Still wrong.

Everything you mention is what is required of you. But it's not the answer to my question.

Take some time, read your thread and think about it.


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Originally Posted by Vittoria
Still wrong.

Everything you mention is what is required of you. But it's not the answer to my question.

Take some time, read your thread and think about it.

V,

FWIW, it seems that MS is having difficulty with your question, but not for the reason you are hoping.

IMHO, MS is a very good manipulator ... and has a knack for saying what others are wanting to hear, rather than what is an honest response. Right now, she appears to be groping for what YOU are looking for, rather than simply give an honest answer to your question.

Just look at her posts from the past page or two ... she posts mostly the correct reponses, but when she gets cornered, she lashes out with fog babble ... there is little, if any, remorse or repentence in her replies ... it remains ... ALL ABOUT MS, with NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT to the damage and pain she has caused Spartan.

I remain amazed at the level of dishonesty and disrespect that MANY BH's will tolerate from their WW's.

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Hi, Sparky.

I do not want to take this conversation off course. Listen to V and MyRev and everyone else. And then ONLY IF you have time, go check out my thread from the last two weeks. I'm almost 6 months ahead of you but I still have my selfish "when is he going to do something for ME?!" moments.

I hit a wall and came here lamenting how my LB$ is empty and how my giver is giving out. Many held the mirror up to my face upon hearing my complaints. I fought back. I became defensive. But as always... They were right. Posts from BSs and FWWs helped a lot. We're in different places but maybe some of the words there can help.

You and I are different people dealing with different deamons. But at the end of the day what's required of us is the same if we want to heal our H's. And we must heal our Hs before we can heal our Ms.

We have to be unfailingly H&O, we must be unselfish, and we must give and give and give and give. We must do the heavy lifting -- every day.

Eventually, our H's may give back, they may help with the load, and they may commit to recovery. But until then, it's all on us. And there are no guarantees.

I don't know if you've ever read Mark1952's "Musing's From Mark" (click here), but he wrote a post on there commemorating his 3,500th post. When I'm logged in, it's on page 9, toward the end of the thread. It's dated 1/28/09. When I want to throw my hands up and scream to H, "Throw me a bone here!" I try to recal this post. Because if H was suffering a physical injury and he couldn't help me with laundry or dinner or the dishes or the kids, would I hold it against him? What we've done can't always be seen like a physical injury, but the pain and devastation is just as real, if not even greater. So do what you must and for now expect nothing in return.

Your job right now is not to recover the marriage. And in my opinion it isn't his either. Your job is to heal Spartan. To be selfless.

Post, listen, absorb, and do as is suggested. Be honest. Be patient. Be humble. Be needing of Spartan. Be repentant. Be the best Sparky YOU can be.

On another note... If you're bleeding when you two have sex, this is serious stuff. I'm no doctor but you need to get this checked out. Until you can get this resolved, I don't recommend you engage in intercourse because it may be something very serious that is being irritated by contact in that manner. Again, I'm no doctor, but this condiiton cannot be neglected. I don't speak from personal experience, but from knowledge. In the meantime, there are other things you two can do that should be able to help Spartan with his SF needs. Get creative and learn what those things are.

My prayers continue.


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Originally Posted by MyRevelation
Originally Posted by MutedSparkle
So you're saying that Jennifer's advice was incorrect?

NOT AT ALL ... I'm saying that YOUR wrong. You are twisting/spinning Jennifer's words to justify your entitled and manipulative behavior.



You nailed it MyRev!

MS, I expected you back here either this week or next, complaining yet again about Spartan. Poor, poor MS. "Well, I gave him SF."

Check your attitude. Keep it up and eventaully he ain't even gonna want SF from you.

Nothing has changed here, folks. She's still the same MS that she's been from the start. So much for the grand transformation.

Read back over your thread, MS, and see how many times you've repeated this cycle...one week you're the I'm-gonna-do-whatever-it-takes-to-help-my-Sparty queen, and a week or two later your doing the He-won't-do-anything-whine.

It's getting old.

Find a new script, Miss Drama Queen.






Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Originally Posted by MyRevelation
FWIW, it seems that MS is having difficulty with your question, but not for the reason you are hoping.

IMHO, MS is a very good manipulator ... and has a knack for saying what others are wanting to hear, rather than what is an honest response. Right now, she appears to be groping for what YOU are looking for, rather than simply give an honest answer to your question.

Just look at her posts from the past page or two ... she posts mostly the correct reponses, but when she gets cornered, she lashes out with fog babble ... there is little, if any, remorse or repentence in her replies ... it remains ... ALL ABOUT MS, with NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT to the damage and pain she has caused Spartan.

I wholy admit that I was extremely dishonest with my posts up until 4/21. Since then, I have been making every effort in earnest to right the things that I have done wrong. I am not trying to earn any kind of favorable judgement....just help. The reality is that we are all strangers here (in a sense) with each other, but we're all working toward a common goal within our marriages. I have a VERY long way to go and I know that quite a bit of my posts and thinking is "fog babble" and "wayward thoughts", but I'm still in the beginning stage of trying figure out how to build a foundation for Spartan, myself and our marriage. I've made a horrible mess and decimated the man I married. There's no amount of apologies that I could ever issue to tell him how sorry I am, but I will try like he// to show him.

Originally Posted by MyRevelation
I remain amazed at the level of dishonesty and disrespect that MANY BH's will tolerate from their WW's.

Spartan has biblical grounds to divorce me if he wishes. But as it stands today, he wants to reconcile because he knows that who he married is still in inside me. I need to find her again.

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Then work on finding her and don't worry about what Spartan is or isn't doing.

Until you are her, why would you expect ANYTHING from him?

You need laser beam focus on you and ONLY you right now.

Clear?

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You need laser beam focus on you and ONLY you right now.


Yup.

MS, SMB is right about you, you know. Just read through your entire thread and you'll see the pattern.

It's not about you-- or what's being done to or for you!

It does not matter what Spartan is or isn't doing right now. If you're TRULY honest, it won't matter. What matters is what YOU are doing.... consistently.

What is that scripture?

"So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen." Matthew 20:1-16

Study this parable. Then decide what's important.

Last edited by princessmeggy; 05/04/09 04:12 PM.

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Originally Posted by MyRevelation
V,

FWIW, it seems that MS is having difficulty with your question, but not for the reason you are hoping.
I see that, and it wasn't a trick question ... at all.

Quote
IMHO, MS is a very good manipulator ... and has a knack for saying what others are wanting to hear, rather than what is an honest response. Right now, she appears to be groping for what YOU are looking for, rather than simply give an honest answer to your question.
This is exactly why I should not post to her, I have the patience of a nat when it comes to crap like this.
And I have to restrain myself like you wouldn't believe to not post nasties, so I'm not helpful.





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Originally Posted by MyRevelation
IMHO, MS is a very good manipulator ... and has a knack for saying what others are wanting to hear, rather than what is an honest response. Right now, she appears to be groping for what YOU are looking for, rather than simply give an honest answer to your question.

Having been here for as long as I have, it's quite easy to see that most people, while unique, fall into one of no more than probably 5 to 10 "types". And once you know the "type", you know pretty well what makes them tick and how they act.

MS is not only a manipulator, but a narcissist, and her patterns and actions reflect that very clearly. The only reason she had the sudden recent "change" is because she got scared s***less that Spartan was gonna walk after seeing her continued lies and continued affair, and that was going to cramp her style. So to think that she suddenly saw the light and decided to do the right thing would be foolhardy; the "right" thing she is doing is to benefit herself and only herself, which is what motivates most narcissists.

The minute her fear subsides, or the withdrawal from OM overpowers the benefit of doing the right thing, she starts up with blaming everything on everyone else but herself. Been here long enough to see this 1000 times.

So, how many songs on MS's ipod are there because they remind her of her times with OM?

AGG


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I am not a hopless human being. What I've done is unforgivable, but I am not a throw away. Say what you will, but I will continue to better my path with or without judgements here.

My early recovery is pulling triggers left and right with many of you (betrayed and former waywards alike) and I'm really sorry for that. Honestly I wish I had more recovery under my belt, but I don't. I can't change that, but I'm here to learn and succeed among you.

I will not give up on God see me through to a better way. 1 Cor 10:13

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My early recovery is pulling triggers left and right with many of you (betrayed and former waywards alike) and I'm really sorry for that.


Seriously!?!?!? Do you recognize this statement for what it is?

It's deflection. Pure and simple.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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