My husband and I will have been married for 7 years this August; we have three beautiful children together. He's always respected me and most of our disagreements have been fairly minor. However, he feels that if I truly "trust" him he should be able to go for drinks after work alone with a female co-worker to wind down from his day.

I have a huge problem with this because he wants to be "friends" with her according to him because he likes her. He has gone on a business lunch with her for work related things and kept it from me and he has discussed our marital issues with her as well and lied to me about that. This is a huge violation of my trust and on top of that he should be coming home to me and the kids and winding down with us. I don't believe it's appropriate to have friends of the opposite sex when you're married. He thinks it's a trust issue and maintains he just sees her as a friend. To me that is neither her nor there he's a father and a husband and to me another woman has no place in his life or our marriage. He's never done this before and now it seems that his views on this have suddenly changed.

Am I wrong to feel this way? He thinks I should be more open minded? How do I get him to see it's not about trust and to realize how disrespectful it is to me to even suggest it? I would never approach him with something like this because I only want my husband that's why I married him.

Please help!

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT!

Its not right. Have him stop it now!!!!!!!!! TOO RISKY!!

He's gaslighting you. Trying to make you feel guilty for questioning something he's doing wrong. This is TOTALLY inappropriate. Are YOU friends with this woman? Why not? She is no friend to your marriage.

welcome in my world - it's not so much about the meeting but discussing marriage issues - sorry no

It's about the meeting!

God's Blessings,

Say

inappropriate for a MM to go out and have drinks with a woman that's not his mom or sister.

My husband would go out after meetings with a group of friends. (which I knew about) As some went home, there was always one left behind. Those after meeting drinks, turned into lunches, hanging out at her office "talking" for 4 -5 hrs, talking through out the day, and texting each other constantly ---- all done behind my back. All the while, me giving 100% trust to my husband, because he was not capable of having an affair. Never suspected. This went on for 8 months until he got sloppy and I saw a text. We even socialized with her and her husband, was this a cover so he could spend more time with her?? If I had thought he was capable, I would have snooped and not justified everything that didn;t make sense. I got the "we're just good friends" bit too.

When I gave him, "It's her or me", it was amazing how fast he didn't need his good friend anymore. I was very fortunate that my husband realized what he was about to lose very quickly. It is a very painful process and a year later it still hurts. I wish I could just stop thinking about and look at my husand the same way I use too.

My gut tells me something is brewing. Snoop, put all the pieces together and you'll have your answer.

This doesn't make any sense because you shouldn't trust him if he does that. That would be the same as me saying "I am a good drunk driver." Trust me!

Your H likely has begun an emotional affair, I am sorry to say. this kind of inappropriate closeness with opposite sex coworkers is exactly how affairs every day. As soon as ONE NEED is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow.

Sorry you are here.

Krista, tell him that if they are "friends" that you should all be "friends" together. He can limit their contact to your HOME while visiting you as a COUPLE. Otherwise it is disrespectful and very hurtful to you.

He should be willing to end his relationship based on the sole fact that it is so upsetting to you.

I totally agree with ML and all the others who responded to you. He is already into an EA, and his "we're just friends" fog-babble proves it. Any friend of his must also be a friend of yours!!! Do some research on EAs and show him what you've found. If he doesn't back off, he may already be too far gone. I know! I should have gone with my instinct and stood my ground three years ago. I might not have ended up where I am today. Hang tough!

Tell him you're fine with him having drinks with her after work - as long as it is the THREE of you doing it. See what he says. Then you'll know for sure.

If you truly trust him it is because he earns that trust every day. Right now he's destroying that trust. Trust is not given. It's earned. He needs to understand that, and so do you. The "if you trusted me" is a smokescreen.

My husband introduced me to his new friend. We then started to go out to dinner as couples with our spouses. I considered her a friend and I feel so humiliated thinking about some of the conversations I had with her.

When I asked my husband who was at whatever event or meeting he was attending (that I knew about), he would throw out her name, along with others, and I would feel comfortable with whom he was with.

Just because he may invite you to hang out with his new “friend” does not mean nothing is going on. It is a huge smoke screen to make you feel comfortable with his friendship. For every time you know about them getting together, multiple that times 2, 3, 4 ……

My husbands girlfriend became his best friend and I was replaced. By the time he got home, there was nothing left for me.

Bottom line…. Just because he introduces you and includes you in his meetings means absolutely nothing.

holeinmyheart is exactly right, of course. But the request is not to just include the spouse on SOME outings, but EVERY OUTING. And a WS who is in an affair will never agree to that for obvious reasons.

The request to include her is just a bluff to get him to show his hand.

From the introduction, I have copied a couple of paragraphs which can be found at that link. Here are Ms Glass's words:

Good people in good marriages are having affairs. More times than I can count, I have sat in my office and felt torn apart by the grief, rage, and remorse of the people I counsel as they try to cope with the repercussions of their infidelity or their partner’s betrayal. In two-thirds of the couples I’ve treated in my clinical practice over the past twenty years, either the husband, the wife, or both were unfaithful. Broken promises and shattered expectations have become part of our cultural landscape, and more people who need help in dealing with them appear in my office every day.

Surprisingly, the infidelity that I’m seeing these days is of a new sort. It’s not between people who are intentionally seeking thrills, as is commonly believed. The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the unfaithful partners I’ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, “just a friend.” Well-intentioned people who had not planned to stray are not only betraying their partners but also their own beliefs and moral values, provoking inner crises as well as marital ones.

This is the essence of the new crisis of infidelity: friendships, work relationships, and Internet liaisons have become the latest threat to marriages. As these opportunities for intimate relationships increase, the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings blur and become easier to cross.

Today’s workplace has become the new danger zone of romantic attraction and opportunity. More women are having affairs than ever before. Today’s woman is more sexually experienced and more likely to be working in what used to be male-dominated occupations. Many of their affairs begin at work. From 1982 to 1990, 38 percent of unfaithful wives in my clinical practice were involved with someone from work. From 1991 to 2000, the number of women’s work affairs increased to 50 percent. Men also are having most of their affairs with people from their workplace. Among the 350 couples I have treated, approximately 62 percent of unfaithful men met their affair partners at work.