No i dont think that he is, i have confronted him in the past and asked him if he was, he got really mad and told me that the affair was the biggest mistake of his life and he wouldnt be going down that road again, that if it came to that and he liked someone else then he would rather seperate than do that again.

Maybe he is full of crap but i think my gut would tell me, it did the last time.

My husband always got mad when I asked him too and he was lying. The more I asked, the madder he got. The day after he was with OW for the last time, I asked and he got really mad when he was denying it. I had to prove it for myself before he ever admitted anything. Have you done any snooping to verify his statements?

You were sleeping in the same bed last time and spending more time together. You gut may not have a chance with the current situation.

i have to go now, i am just finishing work but i will be back on later

I'm sorry that things aren't going too well Gabbz.

You're getting good tough advice, but I know how hard this is for you. I was a little worried about how you would react to being back in the marital bed and still not getting anything back.

You see that you're doing all the work, putting yourself on the line and getting nothing back and it's draining your LB, making you resentful and bitter. For you, going back into your bed was HUGE. You feel that you risked all to enter the bed, but your H doesn't know what a big deal it was for you.

We'v all said it before but you have to really get this. YOU CANNOT EXPECT YOUR H TO GIVE ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT.

That must be hard to hear, but to do this you have to be willing to Plan A him without any LB's for a long time with no rewards for a long time.

It's not fair, it's so totally not fair. We all know that. Every BS on here knows the difficulty of meeting their WS's EN's and no LB'ing when all we really want to do is :twobyfour:

Don't be too disheartened by your H's rude and thoughtless behaviour at the moment. The two of you are interacting more, he is seeing the changes in you and it is confusing for him. He has lived the last 2 years separated from you emotionally and physically. That state is now comfortable to him, and here you are now shaking it up. He is one very confused and unsure man, and he is pressing your buttons to get you to revert to type and so that he can get back in his comfort zone. You are, unfortunately playing right into his hands.

Change this dynamic. Love him despite him being rude and thoughtless and now you've made the move back into the marital bed, stay there.

You can do this Gabbz, but you have to really really want to do this.

Come here to vent, take the support and then get back to building your M.

Remember we are your cheerleaders.

I do snoop all the time, i check his wallet, his closet, his car, his phone records, he is not very Pc literate so he doesnt use it much but even if he did i dont know how i could access his email account without his password.

I am under no illusions of what he is capable of believe me , if i did find out he was having another affair then it would be the end for me, i know that without a shadow of a doubt and i think he knows it too. I will continue to snoop.

Hi Sere,

I really dont mind not getting anything back from him i really dont by moving back into the bedroom thats fine, i can live with that for now but i cannot let him speak to me like that and just grin and bear it. There was no need for that rudeness and if i just sit back and let him abuse me like that without telling him he hurt me am i not telling him that it is ok for him to treat me that way?

I am bending over backwards all the time for him i really am and getting nothing in return and thats ok, as i said i can live with that. I dont expect anything from him in return for this but i wont let him disrespect me, no way and especially in front of his friend. Funny thing is he is always going on about this friend of his and how much of a wayward his wife is and how he doesnt deserve this treatment from her etc and how he would boot her out if it was his wife. A bit like the teapot calling the kettle blackass

I cannot make him out i really cant, tonight when i came home from work he was going around slamming doors and acting real mad towards me,
WTF it was him that was rude to me not the other way around!!! Anyway Sere sorry, i am just having a vent here, i will read over your post tomorrow and take it on board when i am in a calmer mood. Thanks for your valuable help as always.

You did tell him how you felt now let it go. Don't keep harping on it. Go back to Plan A. Let it go. You have a lot of damage to undo. It won't happen overnight. You need to give him a wide berth tonight since he is in a bad mood but get in the same bed. Don't give up. This is going to take more time.

Gabzz, please understand that we all know and understand what you are going through. We are the ones best placed though to give you the best advice because we have no emotional entanglement in this situation, but we have been through exactly what you are going through.

When my FWH was having his A, he wanted to find reason to dislike me because that helped him to justify his waywardness. So he chose to see the worst in everything I did, he chose to press all my buttons knowing that I would react and take part in the argument of his making. I had no idea of the dynamics I was involved in, or that I was playing a vital role in his disengagement from our marriage. If at that time, I had had the knowledge I have gained from this site, I woud not have responded to him in the same way.

Can you see that your reactions to his rudeness are part of the unhealthy dynamic in your M? Can you see that your H is now pressing your buttons to justify his position of wanting to end your M when your daughter turns 18? I am not saying that your H is having an A, but I am saying that he needs to justify his decisions for himself and you are helping him to do just that. Expect his behaviour to get worse in the short term as he internally has to fight to justify his "ending of your M". His behaviour shows that what you are doing is working. You are depositing units in his LB and causing him to question his position. Does this make some sense to you?

I know how hard this is, and I am asking you to do something that I was unable to do, because I did not have the knowledge at the time. Gabzz, you have to turn the other cheek, you have to respond to his anger with love. I am not asking you to be a doormat. Let him know how it makes you feel when he says something hurtful but do not take part in the unhealthy dynamic of ever increasing hostility, anger, and resentment.

When H was rude to you the other night, perhaps you could have walked away, calmed down and then later in the evening said in a calm manner, "I felt really hurt when you said those things to me in front of your friend, it's really painful to feel so hurt by my own husband in my own home. Would you like a coffee so that we can discuss this some more"? If he says no, you can calmly respond that the invitation is open for whenever he feels able to talk this through with you. If he says yes, then the door is open for positive communication.

You are still making progress Gabzz. Do not get discouraged.

Speak later. Love to you. x

Thanks Sere, yes i understand what you mean, I just got so hurt by what he said, it came out of nowhere and for no reason and i wanted to throttle him with my bare hands. I think the fact that he had the cheek to ring me a few minutes later asking me to bring him home a few beers really threw a spanner in the works so to speak.

Even so,this morning i packed a bag of sweets for him in his golf bag, he is heading off to play golf today, dont know if he found them or not because he hasnt been in contact all day. He is going to visit his parents after golf and staying overnight. He is hard work he really is, when he thinks he has been hard done by he wouldnt think twice about not speaking to me for a week or more.

I will deserve the nobel peace prize by the time this is over I am concentrating on myself and my weight loss every day, i am walking 6 days per week for between 40-60 mins and the weight is coming off, the more i lose the more confident i feel. I go to get weighed in the morning so i will let you know how i did. I think i will print out the paragraph i have highlighted that you wrote to me and take it out whenever he upsets me and read, read, read to keep me focused because it does make perfect sense so thank you very much.

Gabrielle x

Good luck at the weigh-in. Walking works! Your husband is pushing your buttons. You have to get a thicker skin. Give yourself time to calm down before you tell him how you feel. Come here and vent and tell us what you want to tell him. We will role play with you and help you get yourself under control before you talk to your husband if you need it. We can objectively tell you when the words you're going to use are lovebusters. We want to help you. We know that this is extremely difficult.

I have a stubborn husband that used to push every button that I had when he got mad. It can get better. It must start with you.

And don't think I'm not going to remind you to sleep in your real bed tonight and every night either. I haven't forgotten and I'm not going to give up.

Had a great weight loss this week 3 1/2 pounds so i am really delighted with that plus i have dropped down to the next stone so my weight watcher points have to now drop by 1 too. This has really put me in great form, even my [censored] of a husband cannot bug me today

Well done Gabzz, that's brilliant. What a big boost for you, just when you need it. Remember to let everyone you meet experience all the positivty you feel right now, especially your H.

Be very smiley, positive and happy when you next see him. It'll get him thinking....

What a great feeling!

Do you they have the Biggest Loser show in Ireland? Those people are incredible. They are on week 17 and the top loser has lost 174 pounds. I am amazed at how quickly they lose the weight. I couldn't exercise all day long. I added walking to my workout and it has really helped.

Where did you sleep last night?

Thanks SS, its a great feeling, I know that losing this weight will boost my self confidence big time. I am not sure if the biggest loser is on here, it might be on sky, what channel is it on? I will have a look out for it, but really,who in their right mind could keep that up day in day out, its a bit on the extreme side dont you think

Yes i did sleep in our bed last night but he wasnt there. (Thank God)

If they win they get $250,000. That is pretty good motivation. They have those poor people running on day 1. Many of them were 300-400+ lbs. I don't want to run now and I am within 30 lbs of where I need to be. I can't imagine how horrible their workout are. I would much rather go easier on myself and actually enjoy my workouts! It is on NBC out here.


Good girl. Where are you going to sleep tonight (no matter what!)? He may try to push your buttons again tonight. Do you have a plan to deal with it this time?

Thanks Sere,

I am really delighted that it is starting to show, my kids are so supportive and sending me texts saying wooo hooo mam you are doing great! Husband never makes any comment either way but i dont care I will keep pusing onward and upwards.

You know what, i am starting to think if he is worth the effort at all, i am not saying that because i am mad at him, i am saying it because i really think if i felt more confident in myself and looked my possible best, lose this weight etc then i wouldnt take the crap he gives me, i think a lot of it is fear of being left alone, not being attractive to any other man etc. He is starting to drain me of any deposits i have for him.

Like yesterday morning for instance, he took off with his golf clubs, i knew he was going off on a staff day out and then visiting his parents and staying overnight with them or so he said! i text him to tell him that D15 had to go visit the doctor, she was having asthma problems and he never bothered to answer me.

I am up as far as page 15 now on your thread! does your h answer your phone calls and texts now? mine only does when he feels like it and that bugs the life out of me because he is never off that phone of his. but when i text him he cannot be bothered his [censored] to answer me.

I felt the same way in the beginning. I know that I am already standing up for myself more but he is also pushing my buttons less. The better I look, the better he treats me. Physical attractiveness is #3 on his list and it affect him a lot when I look great. He is complimenting me all the time now. He asked me how much more I wanted to lose this morning and told me that I look really good at my current weight.

My husband didn't answer when he was wayward. Your husband is still wayward. He may or may not be having an affair. His lovebank is so low that he is extremely vulnerable. That is why I am so tough on you about sleeping in your bed. I'm worried for you.

He has gotten much better about answering. He is not perfect but he can't answer when he is on the flight line and he is an aircraft mechanic so he can't always answer. He usually answers back within an hour. I see him every morning before work, at lunch, and he comes straight home from work. He usually calls me once during the day as well so I don't go that long without talking to him though. Things have gotten much better. I'm working my butt off too though. There are a lot of things that I am doing that have really made a difference. Taking care of myself and looking good have helped but working on eliminating the lovebusting behavior has had miraculous results. We used to have terrible hurtful fights. We really don't anymore. I have really been working on how I respond to him when he says something that makes me angry or hurts my feelings. I tell him that I didn't like what was said and go away until I calm down to talk to him any further. My husband is sitting here next to me and said that he used to come home expecting a fight (after going to a bar on the way home and staying out late) and now he comes home and is turned on by seeing me.

It does get better. Hang in there. You may not decide that your husband is worth it when you are done being the best wife that you can be. He may surprise you and become a better husband once he realizes how great you are. Be the best that you can be before you make that decision.