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#2256595 05/05/09 09:48 PM
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I'm wondering if anyone has gotten to a place in their recovery where they can say that they forgive the other person for having the affair with their spouse?


Me: 32
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DDay & NC: 12/10/07
DD: 4
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Originally Posted by wonderin3
I'm wondering if anyone has gotten to a place in their recovery where they can say that they forgive the other person for having the affair with their spouse?

I can say that XW and I have had this discussion and we decided that if Slag ever decided to call us for help we will be there for her if she wants to talk or whatever. Or maybe I should say when? Ha ha!!

Charlotte


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Has h3ll frozen over yet? Sorry, not gonna to happen. mad

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No.


Over it.
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Yes. I found it much easier to forgive OW than WH.

Silda #2256622 05/06/09 04:43 AM
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No i have not and doubt i ever will!!!!! mad

Silda #2256623 05/06/09 04:44 AM
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I feel a bit like Silda, although it might be a stretch to say that I have forgiven OW. I have found it possible to just stop blaming her, or fretting about what she "did to me".

I feel sorry for her having degraded herself, especially since her children, siblings and some colleagues know a lot about how she has behaved in her marriage. I have moved from feeling jealous and competitive to being glad that I am not her. I don't think I could actually forgive her, because that would be like saying that her intervening in my marriage does not matter. However, I can just dismiss her as an issue in my marriage today, and I certainly do not hate her.

I struggle to understand the Christian concept of forgiveness as it applies to this situation. My understanding is that forgiveness involves essentially writing off the debt and not seeking recompense for the harm caused - letting it go. I can't find a way to let go and move forward in my marriage on the grounds that the harm was done but is now past and no longer relevant. I think it will be relevant for ever, although I don't want it to make us unhappy for ever.

I really struggle with forgiving my H.



BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Silda #2256625 05/06/09 04:54 AM
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Yes


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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Forgiving the OW was never an issue for me. She was and is nothing to me. She made no promises to me, I had no vows with her. I feel very sorry for her and I pray for her and her husband and her marriage. What she meant for evil God has used for good.

I have read with dismay in the last few days the threads about affairages and the people involved in them even if they are beloved relatives and I am so glad that God does not judge me for my mistakes in the past. I am covered by the very blood of Jesus and so is the OW and so is Paul Newman. While we self righteously condemn, Mr Newman may very well be sitting at the right hand of God.

I will not allow myself to be defined by this period of sinful infidelity in our life. I will not let the OW lure me into a lifelong period of sinful unforgiveness. The Bible is very clear that God does not rank sin in any order. Gossip and murder are often mentioned in the same sentence. He has also made it clear that if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven.

Enough heartache has been caused in our life and our marriage with the help of OW. I will not let her have any affect on my eternity.

God's Blessing,

Say



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Yes.
She is irrelevant.


You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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Yes. Never really blamed her that much to begin with.
Every one is looking for love,companionship and support and when its lacking the human species has a survival insticnct that causes us to take it from where ever we can get it.
So I dont blame the OP for not evaluating the costs to her, FWH or myself by attempting to get them thru an A.
As a matter of fact I dont blame FWH at this piont either. It does not mean that the pain is gone it just means that the anger is not there anymore.
Blame is easier for me to let go than the pain of it.
Any one been able to let go the pain ?


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I have not actually said "I forgive you". I think I'm getting there. Schoolbus helped me realize in the back of my mind I'm not 100% convinced my FWH is deserving. He knows in his heart I've forgiven him and people here write you should say the words but I just haven't been able to. There are memories that still come up and cause the undeserving thinking.

Quote
Using this meaning of forgiveness, the person asking to be forgiven must first demonstrate an awareness of how inconsiderate the act was and how much pain his or her spouse was made to suffer. Second, he or she must express some plan to assure the forgiver that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future. Extraordinary precautions to never see or talk to the former lover, and to avoid circumstances that might ignight a new affair should be part of the plan for recovery. And another part of the plan is for both spouses to meet each other's unmet emotional needs that may have given the unfaithful spouse a "reason" to be unfaithful. As it turns out, it's the successful completion of that plan that's the compensation that leads to "forgiveness." Learning to meet each other's most important emotional needs is the plan that usually does the trick.
...
But forgiveness will be much easier after you are convinced that your husband considers your feelings whenever he makes a decision (follows the Policy of Joint Agreement), is ompletely honest with you about everything (follows the Policy of Radical Honesty), and is meeting your important emotional needs. For you to be convinced, he must not only agree to these changes, but he must also demonstrate his commitment by living them for a while. Forgiveness may still require a bit of generosity on your part, but if he makes these changes, I think you'll be able to handle it. When that happens, the burden of resentment you are carrying will be lifted, and the love you have for each other will be restored.


Harley's section on forgiveness link
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

GG



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Originally Posted by wonderin3
I'm wondering if anyone has gotten to a place in their recovery where they can say that they forgive the other person for having the affair with their spouse?

I tried.

She KEEPS making HORRIBLE choices and my kids are unwitting witnesses to them.

I can't anymore.

The only thing I can do is not bad mouth her in front of them...and I do that for THEM and not her.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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I don't think about the OM much.

I don't think I ever considered forgiving him.

I think if I was to see him dangling over a cliff, hanging on for dear life, and I was the only one in sight, I'd wish him "good luck" and move on.



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Quote
I'd wish him "good luck" and move on.


Recently my sister was confronted by a former mutual friend that had made moves on my bil (hence FORMER).

Former friend was threatening suicide and my sister told her not to make it a messy one because people are already tired of cleaning up after her.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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I will never forgive the OW. I will probably forget about her, but I won't forgive her. She isn't remorseful and hasn't asked and likely never will. To forgive someone who isn't remorseful is akin to giving them permission to do it again.

I find it easier to blame her than WXH. This is probably because I have memories of WXH being a decent human being doing decent, and even - dare I say - honourably things. OW is nothing but a lying, serial cheating, homewrecking piece of toxic waste. I know her in no other capacity than this.

But despite my venom above, I'm not consumed by hatred or anger towards OW. I don't think of her much. There's a pretty good chance that I'd swerve if she ran out in front of my car, but I can't say I wouldn't kick myself later for the missed opportunity.

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>OW is nothing but a lying, serial cheating, homewrecking piece of toxic waste. I know her in no other capacity than this.


Her initials aren't VD are they?


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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No but maybe they are related. Her maiden name starts with a D.

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Neither the OP or my XW have even asked for forgiveness. I'm willing to give it, as soon as they say what they did was wrong and they want to be forgiven.

I don't dwell on it, so I'm not consumed by unforgiveness. But I don't think it's proper to just call someone up who has hurt you and say, I forgive you of your sins.

First off, not even God does that. One has to confess sin and request forgiveness according to what I read in scripture.

Second, unless they think they've done wrong, the unilateral offer of forgiveness is largely meaningless.

So it's my opinion that one is called to work towards the mental/emotional state where you are willing to forgive the OP or even your XW should they ask. But you are not called, and I would say even discouraged from going to that person and unilaterally saying you are forgiven.

I specifically told my XW during her affair that there was nothing I wouldn't forgive if it's confessed and repented of. I said forgiveness was there, offered to her. She took the stance that she was doing nothing wrong, so there was nothing for which she needed forgiveness.

Since I only heard "I'm sorry" once or twice in the marriage, it's unlikely she'll ever seek forgiveness for her affair.

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OW will never fathom that she did anything wrong. She's done this multiple times with many different guys and she is in a constant wayward mindset. She asks "why does this always happen to me?" whenever the man goes back to his family, and she doesn't care about the pain I or any of the other BS's have been put through. She only cares that we think she's a horrible person. It will always be about how people view her.

So in my opinion, she will never be worthy of anyone's forgiveness because she will never be repentant for what she's done to all these families and her own children and XH.

I also can't forgive her for pretending to be my friend throughout the entire ordeal. She'd hang all over me in public, look me in the eyes and smile, invite us to the park, and hug and play with our DD every single day when we picked up my H for lunch. At least he was being an a$$ and an alien the whole time. She didn't see anything wrong with what she was doing. She kept trying to make me like her even though she was ****ing my H.

Every day I'm moving closer to thinking of her as the "nothing" that she is. She doesn't deserve a place in my thoughts.

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