Seems to be totally lopsided towards the BWs? Is it true there are very few BHs that consider themselves "FULLY RECOVERED"? If so, I think that says a lot for those striving to get there?

DUDE

I am a BW and i do not consider myself "fully recovered" far from it.

I do not think there is such a thing a "fully recovered" when it comes to infidelity otherwise there would not be the NC FOR LIFE rule.

To me this means that for the rest of your marriage you will be "recovering" you will never be "recovered".

I was just thinking about this last night. It does seem that way, but maybe there are more recovered BHs who have been here and gone because they don't like to post? I dunno. I've been here awhile and off the top of my head I can only think of one that has recovered since I've been here. I may be wrong though.

Not recovered but I do think there can be a recovered BS. My body will never be exactly the same after childbirth, a major injury or illness but it will be healed...I look at my marital and personal recovery like that too.

It does appear that BHs do seem to have a tougher time though. I know how women can be LOL...make her a wayward one and .

What do you mean?

Dude, it becomes somewhat of a game of semantics.

Using the word "Recovering" or "Recovered" has different meanings for each individual.

This is a debate that occurs in AA meetings from time to time regarding alcoholism. Are you a "recovered" alcoholic or are you a "recovering" alcoholic. Again, it is a game of semantics that will allow either position to be supreme depending on ones own point of view.

A "recovering" alcoholic will argue that he never wants to be "recovered" or he will revert back to his old ways and will drink again.

Yet a "recovered" alcoholic will argue that unless he has "recovered" from alcoholism he's still just a drunk.

Many come and go.....

But, I can think of some... Mr. W., Mortarman, PureBob, Big K ........ there are some more but my mind is mush right now.

I'm a BW and well on my way to recovery (personal), but I'm not "fully" recovered by any stretch. I will bear scars for life, but they shouldn't impede my basic functioning (much).

IRL, I know a number of BWs and BHs who are or have recovered from the trauma of adultery. I'm talking personal recovery here as I know of no RL cases where the couple are still trying to recover the M (lack of exposure?). Anyway, all of the real life BS's, be they men or women, face the same pain, the same challenges in getting on with their lives, the same loneliness, and the same fears. Some of the details vary - men seem to have more trouble with custody, women have more trouble financially - but they are equally worried about their problems.

I'd say age has a bigger role to play in recovery than gender.

I have noticed form reading these boards and from real-life experiences that relatively few BHs tend to recover their marriages compared to BWs. Whether this is due to it being tougher to get a WW back to the marriage versus a WH, or whether it's that BHs are more hesitant to follow the Plans (A/B), I don't know, but the odds against marital recovery are definitely stacked higher against BHs than BWs.

Then again, maybe it's just that fewer recovered BHs stick around and post regularly after their marriages get better.

I think it depends on the definition of "Recovery" ... I've seen BH's "claim" recovery from "simply remaining married" to "fully engaged and enthusiastic equal partners", and everything in between.

From my perspective, there are painfully few R's in BH/WW situations, compared to BW/WH ones. Also, I see BW's being much more HONEST about the state of the M, whereas BH's are much more likely to be "self-delusional" about the exact state of their M post-A.

From my experience, I just see women (in general) being much stronger and successful BS's, and much worse WS's. The more I learn about infidelity, the less respect I have for what modern men have evolved into.

XH and I have been divorced for 5 years. His A devastated me and I worked long and hard trying to save our M (almost 3 years). He and I get along quite well now and I realize that he did me a great favor by having the A and leaving me because it was a catalyst for our D. I now know from 20/20 hindsight coupled with fully acknowledging his drinking problem which was present during our M and continues to be and basic personality issues, that I would have wanted to D him in time if our M had continued. My XH is not strong, emotionally, and my being the catalyst for the D would have destroyed him. XH and I now get a long quite well and are able to talk about a great deal of things, spend time around each other, etc. without any problems between us or any emotional reservation on my part. There is absolutely not desire to reconcile on the part of either of us.

Am I fully recovered? I thought I was. I waited 4 years to really start dating again so I was sure I was fully recovered. Last July, I met and had a relationship with someone I thought was a fine, upstanding, loyal, responsible man with integrity and character. I came to find out he was lying to me the entire time about our being exclusive along with a number of other things. My gut was screaming at me that something just wasn't right but I kept telling myself it was because of my experience with XH's lying and cheating. When we were on vacation in February, something told me to look at his cell phone. Lo and behold, he was sending pictures from our vacation to a 27 year old nurse at work. (He's 47) I also came to find out he was active on online dating sites as well as adult websites where he was looking for "discreet relationships and casual sex." For a 7 month relationship I should have been able to move on without any problem. Was I? No. I was devastated and suffered from depression, was put on anti-depressants, etc. My counselor described it as similar to post traumatic stress disorder resulting from my XH's A and the resulting damage to my psyche.

It is not 3 months later and I still think about XBF and the wolf in sheep's clothing that he was and am now afraid to date anyone.

Define recovered.

You can have a recovered BH and he is divorced from his WW. The recovery of the spouse and the recovery of the marriage are two different events. A spouse can recover independent of what happens to the marriage.

I think you are on to something w/ the age thing. I think full recovery from betrayal is possible. I don't think its a constant improvement, rather than a true healing that one can only get from reaching DEEP inside themselves, forgiving themselves and the wayward. It can be done. Its just rare..DUD

I suggest not caring about someone that much that quick???!! 7 mo?

I see this BH vs BW thing sounding somewhat sexist.

CLaiming men are simply more incapable at recognizing emotional turmoil is unfair. Saying that we think things are better afterwards when they aren't is unfair as well.

That's an observation based on limited and narrow scope...basically you say that men have unrealistic perceptions.

5 Yrs in recovery and still don't believe xww's story about not having sex with OM. Her story doesn't make sense to me to this day and i am sure she has lied from day one and continues with the same lie to today. She refuses to talk about it today. Marriage is different than before the affair and the original good marriage dynamics will never be the same.

You missed the point of my post entirely. The depression was not because of my feelings for XBF but because his lying and cheating triggered dormant emotions from my XH's A which I thought I had completely recovered from but, apparently, have not. As my psychologist points out, what I experienced was akin to post traumatic stress disorder and even something minimal in scope in comparison - lies and cheating in a short, 7 month relationship triggered a much deeper response.