My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and have 3 children (12, 9, 8). I left him twice due to his criticism, lack of affection and neglect. Alas, I always came back. During one of our separations I learned of an affair he had had 3 years prior when our youngest was 1 (we were in an active marriage).

We both had seen others during our separation. The last time I came back I guess I realized things weren't going to change (no excuse) and had a one night stand with a guy (he later found pictures). My husband found out and did the same, then took our children, all of our money and had divorce papers served on me. After a few days of he** he stopped the divorce and we again got back together. He said he was sorry, loved me, blah, blah.

Well, that was 16 months ago. The last 16 months have been awful. He has been extremely physically neglectful. The only time he touches me is when he wants sex. Even then he has made nasty comments that reflect upon my sleeping with someone else. He told me he doesn't want a huge relationship from me and says that at least he's here and not out at the bar. We don't share any hobbies, time together or any affection. When I ask him why he tells me that he can't get the pictures out of his head and every time he touches me it gives him bad thoughts. I am at the point where I am fed up and told him so. I asked him to move on and try to let the past go. He won't go to counseling and really doesn't care. I suggested we split and he doesn't want to do that either.

I am really at a loss as to what to do . The thought of raising my children alone scares me. We have been together all of my adult life. I feel like I am being punished for both of our choices. As of today I have moved a bed into our spare room and intend to sleep there. It hurts me nightly to sleep next to a man who has told me that the only thing that makes him feel better is when he sees me hurting.

Has anyone dealt with this double standard or similar issues? Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Well both you and your H are a mess.
You need marriage counseling.
Your children are living with this chaos and it is not fair to THEM.

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP

I completely agree. I am going to counseling, but my husband refuses to go. He said he doesn't need anyone to "fix" him. He also said that counseling is BS and doesn't work.

Then I guess you picked out the wrong guy to father your 2 kids.

You have choices:

1. Tolerate "what is" and don't expect H to change so stop complaining. (also known as... "make the best of it")
2. Work on yourself and make sure you meet H's ENs without LBs for 3-6 months and see if Plan A might turn him around.
3. Separate or divorce.
4. Stay in the marriage making H as miserable as possible by refusing to meet his ENs and committing as many LBs as you want.

option 5 is really not an option

5. Have another adulterous affair.
BTW, why da'hayul did you take "pictures" of a "one night stand"???? Are you NUTZ :crosseyedcrazy:

Yeah, I do have to work on myself. I have no idea what to do to make him happy. He told me he doesn't have any needs, so why do I?? I do the normal of working full time, making meals, cleaning the house, paying the bills.

As far as the pictures, I didn't take them, but STUPIDLY let the OM. It was really dumb, the whole thing. I was under severe influence of wine, which is NO EXCUSE, but, I was not in my right mind when I had the one night stand.

Think back to the beginning of the relationship, what actions of yours did he particularly respond to?

Find out if he has these pictures...he may have kept them? And is looking at them and stirring up old pain?

People don't recall things without a stimulous to remember. That's a start from me I guess.

The only things I can really remember him liking were how clean I kept my apartment, my cooking, how much drive I had and sex.

When it comes to stimulus, I know he doesn't have the pictures. He tells me that when we have sex or intimacy that's his constant reminder. However, he says he thinks about it every minute of every day.

Have you read up on the EN's and such? Have you downloaded the papers and tried to guess them?

I have and I think his are Admiration, Physical Attractiveness and Honesty & Openness. I know I fail at Admiration, and in the past, because of the affair, also at Honesty & Openness. When it comes to Physical Attractiveness, I feel I do my best. I work out 5 days a week, am 5'6 and about 135 pounds, which I think is ok for having had 3 children.

I just don't know what to do to make him happy. I feel like I seem desperate to him like I am begging for his love. Anything I try to do he rejects. He just wants to exist.

HE had an affair (first), and YOU are desperate to make him happy? Why? You should be expecting something from HIM!

Why doesn't he do anything for you? Because he knows you won't stand up to him.

If he says he has no needs, well, maybe you just need to drop all pretense of meeting any of his needs. See how he likes that.

Cook a meal only for you (and kids?). Eat when you want to. Plan activities for you and the kids. Wash YOUR clothes; leave his where he drops them. Stop picking up his crap. Pretend he doesn't live there any more. I'd make a cool bet he sits up and notices. Then you can smile at him and say "Really? I thought you didn't HAVE any needs."

I guess I've never heard this term. What does it mean?

I mean that we were living as husband and wife together, not separated.

Cat, our son does alot of the laundry, so that's tough. I could not cook for him and say it's too much for me to pay the bills, but other then that I don't know. I agree with your other post that I only have 2 options. I just wish it were easier to figure out.