Fullmoon,

Some of what you will hear here will make you indignant. You don't want to face the extreme damage you have done. You are looking at some of it, but you will not truly understand it for months or years . That isn't a 2 x 4, it's the truth.

The damage your actions have caused to your M, your family, your bs, and your COM are extreme. They will not go away overnight, over the next couple of weeks, nor over the next few months. It has been four years since I found out about my FWH A and the OC. Guess what, we are together, making a new life for ourselves, I am healing.....but I am still here. It is not gone. I don't know if it would be better sooner without the OC but I know that the CS is stolen from my COM and hurts us and will continue to for the next 14 years. I know that the OW will not go away for another 14 years.

We are NC with OC as well as OW. I offered my FWH the choice to make about C with OC because I knew that if I dictated NC then he would blame me if he changed his mind. It was his choice. Just as if he had made that decision I would have walked with my COM. There are many choices to be made, none of them are easy, and none of them provide win/win for anyone. The consequences of your actions have totally screwed your BS and your COM for years to come. Only your constant continuing efforts at understanding yourself, how you got there, and how to keep from going there will help you, your BS and your COM heal from this. Additionally, any of your family and friends that you have effected by this as well (because it effects everyone like a ripple in a pond).

You've heard some tough words here. They want you to think, you don't need to become defensive, you need to understand what it will take to help your family heal. You need to make the commitment to help them heal all of the way, not just part way and then decide it's too tough and walk away and hurt them more.

There is very good information to be read here to help you on that journey if you really want that. It will not be easy, but you have gone way past easy a very long time ago. Walking away won't be any easier for you, not if you truly care about your family. Remember that your BS and COM must always come first. They came first in your life and must always be placed first in your decisions.

Fled

Hello Im new here, but I was reading what you have done to your BW, and I would like to say I had my H cheat on me with a OW that was on state assistance, lived with her parents, drove a 1990 Ford Temple that the doors didnt open from the inside.
Now it was 2002, we just built a Cabin up north here in Michigan, beautiful, up there they called it a house, we called it our cabin, we both drove brand new trucks, owned 3 houses at about $150,000 each. and he decided that the OW with the state aide was better than the wife he had of 17 years, he was gone for 2 months, I begged him back, thought I couldnt live without him, while he was gone the stress of missing him caused a hole in my lower intestine, per the Doctor that operated, and I had to have emergency sergury, and ended up with a colostomy bag on my side, this happened while he was with the OW, I was 8 hours away from EXPIRING, per the Dr.
This was from the pain I was feeling from his A with OW.
Once he came home, OW calls and says Im P, with your OC, and "I know you are the father as I just had a abortion 2 months ago and you are the only one I have been with sence then".
Well what does that tell me? she didnt want a child 2 months ago, now she wants one? right!!! she wanted to trap my H, so he would stay with her, I mean really it really is her descision if she gets P or not. unless he used a rubber and trust me, hes too lazy.
So she either wanted him or our money! period, and guess what, she got her OC, by herself, I made sure of that, and she also got $650.00 of our material money to support her OC, and eventually she realized that she couldnt win against 17 years and about $450,000 of net worth.
State aide couldnt compete with my pay, and she was a life time member of the welfare system, so he never looked back.
BUT!!! what he did in those 2 months, DISTROYED me, our M, and our child togather.
I stayed with him for 3 years after the OC was born, she found a new man to marry and he adopted the OC and 1 week after my H adopted the OC off to her new H, I left my H.
The pain that I went through over that OC was unbearable, I can deal with an A, but to get another women P, while you are married to me is a whole new meaning to "Lets see how far I can cut my wifes heart open before it stops beating".
It's now 7 years since my H had his A, and 6 years since the OC was born, and 4 years since I left him for it.
I couldnt bear to have that rubbed in my face everydayfor the rest of my life, it hurt so bad that I would have rather had him physically abused me than to hurt my heart like that, I mean PEOPLE look at me, 7 years later and I still cry at least once a week.
I miss my life and my H so bad that its only hurting me, nobody else is crying.
I was the first one to cry and the last one to cry, and Im still crying, I really was the only one that got hurt, I lost my H and best friend over some OW that wanted to think of herself and not others, example, she didnt think of me, my child and her new OC.
But one question I have always wanted answered.
WHY DOES SHE AND HE GET A GIFT FROM GOD WHEN THEY WERE COMITTING ADULTERY?
But sir I didnt mean to make this about me, I just wanted to show you the hurt that I went through,and what Im still going through, so please please please handle your damaged goods with care, you damaged them (her).
I dont know what to tell you to do to make it easier on her, as none of its easy at all to swallow.
But one thing, DONT lie to her anymore, and dont sneak to see the OC, that will just kill her. Out of all it, you must tell the OW that you dont want her or the OC in your life and let her be there when you do it. Thats more important than you will ever know.
Im glad to see that you are showing remorse, my H didnt, as he didnt really know how to show compassion or show that he was truly sorry for what he did.
But either way it was too much of a hard hit to my heart and I couldnt take it, so I left and now Im still cryin because I miss him and our old life more tham anything.
I wish you luck, and pray for your BWs heart. shes gonna need it.

oneilsigns, welcome. You should start a thread over in Emotional Needs or General Questions. You don't have to have a purpose, just a place to chat. You can make friends here.

wow, oneilsigns, im so sorry for what you've been through. I wish that these adulterers could experience our pain, if even for a moment, to understand what they are putting their supposed loved ones through.

>hell if i was just CONSIDERING that option, I would never inform an outsider on your indiscretions.


While I understand WHY you would never, I must say that is not the tack I took.

I tell anyone who I am close to. I will not allow secrets to fester in the dark, nor will I lie or keep things from people I care about.

I will not allow others' transgressions to make me into a deciever.

Just wanted to let everybody know that I am still here. I am still reading the posts and am trying to learn from them. I do appreciate any advice and sharing of experience.

I'm so glad! I've been here long enough to see a lot of people benefit when they weren't even looking, or else found something they weren't expecting. Or were just reading. Good luck.

I am so glad to hear that, FM! Read some of the older threads as well. It is good for you to get a handle on your BW's perspective.

Good, good, good.

If you have any questions for my husband, I'd be happy to relay them to him...he's not big on typing - but he is a font of information.