I am feeling like a huge idiot. Posted all this bs almost 2 years ago about I was leaving if this/that/ Well here I am. Still miserable. I don't think I ever posted about going to a marriage counselor. We did. Was a HUGE waste of time. He lied to her then got insulted and said she was picking on him. I felt this was pretty silly, really what did she care? She basically told me I needed to get out. He was going to continue to manipulate me, demean me, etc. Some issues come up that he needs to deal with, he would admit them with one breath and deny them with the next.

We have had some good times and bad times over the past two years. Here is the problem. One of the things that happens is he totally disregards my feelings and likes to make me feel insignificant, especially if it comes between my feelings and some one else's. Therapist pointed this out as well. This has happened several times over the years. Usually I just would swallow it and move on. However, since the therapist pointed out that his doing this was what gave him the sense of entitlement to the affair, I am not willing to put up with it anymore.

This started happening on a more regular basis. Two instances pretty close together. His comment, no, he didn't do it, no he didn't mean to do it. Then that is followed up with, our relationship works when you want it to, You just want me to pay for this affair for the rest of my life. The thing is, I just don't think I can do it anymore. I left my guard down, start to feel close to him again, then he turns around and squashes me down, does something to make me feel like I don't matter, like I am scum. The therapist said as long as I accept this treatment, he will have another affair. She felt pretty confident he would anyway based on the way therapy went.

So I guess, today I am feeling like, what the hell is wrong with me that I can't just say, ok enough is enough, I am out the door? Haven't had sex in forever, he hasn't really approached me for it either. Don't think he is having another affair. No closeness, feels basically like we are roommates. Doesn't really seem to be bothering him too terribly much.

Maybe I just needed to stay this long to make sure that I did try, that I gave us a chance to get somewhere close to where we were. I remember everyone saying it took a few years to rebuild. I just don't feel like we have done any of that.

I don't know if there are people here who weren't able to rebuild. I guess that's what I am looking for. How do you know when you have done everything you can do and what helps you come to the realization that it just isn't going to work?
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stupid wife

Think I may have found the answer to my own questions.

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Long-Does-Unhappily-Married-Last?&id=2296283

I have a great book for you to read, that may give you some answers. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It covers a lot more than that, but it's essentially a bible for victims of manipulators.

Thanks. I'll take a look at it.

Hi. I refuse to use your user name. YOu are not stupid. Stubborn, tenacious, but not stupid.

I left only when I was ready to hit my ex over the head with a frying pan. I wanted B permanantly out of my life, and I wanted God to do the removing. When you start praying that your husband never comes home from a business trip, that's when you need to leave.

The treshold is different for everyone. It's also scary for most of us. Leaving is an act of faith.

Clear up through the day the divorce was final, I didn't want it. I got the divorce because I knew I had to. He really left me no option, he was still living with her, still lying to me, still not showing any concern for me, still sticking me with all the bills, still not coming home...
I continued doing what I knew I needed to do, regardless of my feelings. I never wanted a divorce, I wanted him to be my husband, but when they refuse, we have no choice.

Oh.....I soooo understand where you are right now. People have their own way of breaking away from the relationship. Greengables left when she wanted to hit him with a frying pan (had to giggle at that!). I, on the other hand knew it was time when I just didn't care anymore. I spent more and more time away from the house, avoided family-type outings, and avoided ANY talk of relationship issues even though I was always the initiator when it came to that throughout the marriage.

The best advice I got was from a friend that had gone through divorce. I asked her how she knew. She said...."When you know, you just know".

Yes, there will be doubt. There is a definite roller coaster of emotion that you go through. Even though you may be the initiator of the divorce, you will have brief moments where you think you should reconcile. For me, those moments only last an hour or so. I fluctuate between guilt, fear of the unknown, and PEACE. I actually have peace at times. This is how I know that this is what needs to be done.

I hope that when the time comes, you will know. As I said...expect to have moments of doubt, but if it is truly the right time, those moments will be fleeting. Some people know they need to leave but fear and uncertainty keep them in the marriage for years or even decades. Very sad.

Hey, stupidw, I'm in a similar boat. H who minimizes my feelings, turns it around onto me. I am trying the O&H route with him and he says "do you realize how terrible I feel when you say you are (fill in the blank--scared, angry, sad, etc.) So I tell him how I'm feeling and he wants to judge and blame me for them.

I've decided my H is having an affair with depression, anxiety, anger, entitlement and alcohol. I've plan A'd, written what amount to a Plan B letter and have got bupkiss in return. So I hear ya.

Hi StupidW, (btw, you're not stupid, even if you feel that way sometimes... giant [[]])
Did you address the emotional abuse? Putting someone else down, their experience, opinions, etc, is emotional abuse... you need to call him on it when he does it. Read up on it... google it..

My husband lived near his job and came home on weekends...when he stopped coming home and started coming up with excuses, standing me up week after week...
One weekend, his birthday weekend, I knew it was over. Why that weekend and not the weekend before or the weekend after, I don't know, but I knew it was up. When it's time, you just know. I didn't want the divorce, it killed me inside, I still loved him, but knew I shouldn't and couldn't take any more. I had peace inside about the decision even though my heart cried out no...you have to do what you have to do and you know deep inside if you listen to yourself honestly...

For me I knew it was time when the anxiety I felt was so great that I felt physically ill when I heard his truck pull up in the driveway and relief in the morning when I heard the door shut behind him. That a peaceful day was not having him call me at all.

You will know when and then on that day you will act.