nevermind

No.

Possibly the hardest-hitting image that has stuck with me since I revealed to H, is a Sunday morning a couple of weeks after D-day. I took a shower and came into our bedroom. I was on our bed and I heard the sliding door to the half-bath open slightly. I looked and reached over to open it more. My H was sitting curled up, on the floor in the corner of the little room with his face smothered into a towel, bawling like I've never every seen from him before. He was completely broken. Because of me.

Thanks. I hope he's doing better.

I don't know if I feel better. But when I've lost control, it's better then breaking down in front of H or the kids.

This makes sense.

He's not saying much at all any more, other then last Sunday morning. I guess after Sunday -- because it had been probably a couple of weeks since he had said anything about our relationship -- I've learned just because he's not saying it, doesn't mean he's not thinking it.

I don't know. I have my EPs. He is very much against the poly (and I know we've gone around about this here, but I will not do this without his permission). I've offered to take paternit tests. He's questioned the BW, the FOM, he's talked with people from both of our pasts and he really knows everything.

Thank you, 6YL. I know you mean this.

He got up and took a shower.

He was saying all of this kind of together. About how his life sucks. How it's mostly my fault. How he can't believe he's in this position... All that stuff.

I agree.

Been using it (or the theory of it anyway) for almost all of my break-downs. Heck, I'm having another one right now. So I keep my office door closed and keep it to myself.

Because I can't believe I'm in a position where I have to be typying on an anonymous Internet message board about how to save my marriage because I cheated. It's still just beyond my comprehesion that I'm in this position. That I failed so badly with my boundaries. That I've done this horrible thing to people I love and people I barely know.

But I'll dry my eyes, go make dinner, get ready for book club, then go discuss Q & A with my lady friends. Nobody but all of you will know better.

This is a good way to go about it.

I'm going to wait though. So much on his plate right now.

You have a very clear view. Thank you for letting me take a peek, V.

I won't fall. But I may need to stop for water here and there.

We had A LOT of this the last 5 years.

I've told him as much several times. I'll continue.

Good advice.

He won't confirm what specficially he likes or doesn't like. When I ask what I can do he a.) doesn't respond, b.) says, "I don't know," or c.) says he likes the changes I've made or that he has noticed I'm trying. He's not saying whether it's the apples or the oranges that he likes.

This makes sense. So who then if he won't confide in anyone and refuses counseling?

Not there yet. Not on the edge. But I can see it more clearly in the distance.

He won't do this Jim. I have enough money from that gift my sister gave me a while back to cover another visit with Steve. H thinks talking to a stranger over the phone is more ridiculous than meeting an MC face-to-face. I can't force him to do this. I can't force him to do anything.

Would it make any sense to meet with him again even without H? I'm seeing an IC on my own and I have you folks/MB. Should I call Steve again anyway?

Good. Because I shouldn't be the only one to benefit from the wealth of advice, support, and care I get here.

I'll read up on her as soon as I can.

I don't think I understand the message that you snuck in, V.

I'm ok. Just sticking to the program... Faking it 'till we make it. Plan A with a smile.

okay then. take care.

Still confused and have no clue what you're referring to. Everything I've posted today I believe is still up.

I am hoping for you. I'm trying to think of some action you could take, or he could take to move the ball here.

One thing that keeps coming out to me was that you had him so completely fooled. He claims you are a great liar, but I bet he also feels like an idiot for not seeing. No one is that great at lying, he must not have been paying attention. Maybe if he could learn some skills to better detect lies? I'm grasping at straws but it might help.

Have a good 'book club' night!

Oh I wanted to comment on your H's crying. Personally, I think that is a good sign. He is grieving, it is sad to him. If he was stone cold that would be worrisome and weird.

We aren't sad if we did not value what we lost. I still think there is forward movement from him.

Nothing to add, just

I have a thought, slim but it's a thought.

If you did a session with the Harley's, asked H if he would be willing to be in the same room during your session and put the phone on speaker.
H would not have to participate but would be able to hear how they counsel.

Of course, you would give the heads up to the Harley's that H was present in the room and hearing the session.

The ultimate would be if H chose to finish the session on his own, but miracles happen, sometimes right?

I just got to thinking .... is this a DJ ?
If it is, is there a way to not make it one? Offering the opportunity without making H feel pressured, or would he still feel pressured.
Or maybe this could be something for next year???



Anyone have thoughts?

Looking4,

I think sometimes we forget that the MB program works both ways...

and we need to be reminded that it's a TWO way street...

It is NOT just about a WS correcting their own problems in the marriage...

as you are trying very hard to do...

It's also about a damaged BS trying to make sense out of nonsense...

which is VERY hard to do...

PARTICULARLY by the one that did the wounding...

The LAST one he wants to share his vulnerability with...

You have forgotten the MB plans deal even with people that initially WANT NOTHING to deal with MB as in the case of the WS and how to deal with them.

It also deals with the reluctant BS and how to approach them in a manner that does not cause resentment...

which YOUR marriage desperately needs...

You need two things...

One is how to get your H out of this stalemate he is in...

And two is how for you to be a healthy partner to him WITHOUT being a dumping ground for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong with his life...

YOU are responsible for your A and your part of the marriage...

NOT EVERYTHING THAT HAS GONE WRONG IN HIS LIFE!!!

YOU MUST RESPECT YOURSELF OR HE WILL NOT EITHER!!!

THERE ARE BOUNDARIES FOR YOU WITH YOUR H THAT HE MUST RESPECT.

HE CANNOT CONTINUE TO BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!!

You are not alone...

Mrs.Flint had to learn this also...

She thought SHE was the only cause of the failure between my brother and I...

She wasn't...

But she blamed herself for ALL of it and the loss of one third of my family...

She was part but not all...

Take responsibility for YOUR part...

NOT EVERYTHING THAT HAS GONE WRONG IN HIS LIFE!!!

The Harley's have the ability to decipher and discern WHAT HE IS SAYING TO YOU and what it REALLY MEANS...

AND HOW TO HANDLE HIS ANGER IN A PRODUCTIVE WAY!!!

Once again I remind you that YOU said the resentment is building and I want you to remember that ALL of that has to be removed before your relationship can begin to heal...

Why are you letting the pile get higher and higher before doing something about it???

What you have been trying has not helped with the resentment aspect...

It doesn't have ANYTHING to do with what your H will or won't do...

YOU cannot control your H...

Just as a BS cannot control his WS...

But there are ways to invite the reluctant spouse back into the marriage.

The most important one for you right now is to regain your H respect...

Right now you are a dumping ground and in his eyes the CAUSE of all of his problems...

The Harley's can tell you how to regain his RESPECT without alienating him...

and healthy boundaries for yourself...

Which you badly need right now...

Call the Harley's.

In a side note...

Although the uncertainity of his job situation is unsettling...

It may have a silver lining...

He MAY wind up NEEDING YOU...

Giving you a chance to take care of him and be there for him when he desperately needs someone both financially and emotionally to support him...

Sometimes things happen for a reason...



God bless.

Jim

L4:

Just so you know, if Flamingo HADN'T of jumped on the MB model after Dday, we would be divorced now.

I wasn't going back to THAT MARRIAGE.

We found MB three days before Dday.

She went all in, and so did I.

If BS wants to wallow, then that is his choice. "Woe is me"

Your going to be ok. Keep working the program. Learning and growing. Your H will follow.

Or not.

Asking H to listen to your conversation with Steve Harley is a good idea.

L4: "H, I have decided that I need to speak with Steve H and am planning to do it on (name some dates) I am looking to continue working on our marriage, and helping to fix SO MANY things that I broke. I would love for you to at least, join me while I have the conversation. You do not have to say anything, but please join me to listen on the speakerphone."

Then let him decide. You working on yourself is a good thing. Letting him see you working on yourself is a good thing. Letting him in on your efforts is good as well. What he does with the info and knowledge is up to him.

LG

L4,

No advice for you right now. I just wanted you to know that I'm still reading along and will chime in when I see something I can contribute to. For now just realize that you and your H are in my prayers.

Mark