All great points. Thanks.

Hi Cat, if I came across as bossy or know-it-all-ish, I apologize. That wasn't my intention.

Happy, I get a lot of insights from your posts, both here and on my thread and others. I can't speak for cat of course, but IMHO I don't see you as being bossy or know-it-all-ish. Thanks for your input!!!

Huh? Not at all! I wasn't being facetious, if that is what you thought. I was just really busy and trying to sneak in and post every once in a while, lol, so I used as few words as possible.

I think it becomes nagging when you don't give your H (or W) an oppurtunity to apologize or correct himself before you correct him. In the example you had with the cart, you stopped yourself, and gave him a chance to handle it himself. I a way, it's similar to how you feel like a dolt when he get's bossy. You both want a chance to handle things on your own will without a correction or 'punishment' for screwing up.

Thanks so much Jayne, I appreciate that.

Oh, ok. I thought I'd been pontificating too much and I irritated you. Glad to hear that wasn't the case.

I do think you are learning to be very brave with your husband. I was raised in much the same fashion as you (women shouldn't speak up, men make the rules, its best to keep your head down and avoid trouble). It's been reallly hard for me over the years to learn to examine my own behaviour and then ask for what I need.

I have seen you change a lot in being able to put your finger on what your needs are and then ask for them. It seems to me that early on in your thread you talked about how you didn't have any needs, or did I remember that from someone else?

Either way, I think its good.

dkd, on the nagging thing, this has been a touchy thing for us. Early on, dh thought I was very demanding because I'd ask for things to be done a certain way, or for him not to say certain things to me.

I've learned to let go of an awful lot of my "shoulds", and only push on things that matter greatly to me. We've developed some short-cuts that let us know when we are stomping on each others toes, and that seems to help.

Dh has some signals on his end that when he does it I know that I've encroached on a boundary and should back up. So I'm learning him and he's learning me.

Cat, every time I see the title of this thread, it reminds me of what's-his-name.....my x.

I'm sorry?

Hi catperson,
I did not know that you lived over here!

Hi Vittoria!

Cat, I don't think this update is worth finding my old thread, so is it okay of I post here? I'm having 20 people over for a 50th birthday party for my good friend, and she tells me Wednesday that her daughter is going to be on a field trip and come back at 10 pm! I should've thought to say, well, it's still Wednesday. Do you want me to change it? Silly me, I figured I could count on her for her O&H? Now I'm not so sure? I didn't think of it until now on the way home from the grocery store. And I thought I didn't like drama and going from one crisis to the next LOL.

You mean you think she was hinting to change it? That's the sort of thing I might not pick up on either. Don't feel bad. If you are good enough friends for you to throw the party then I'd think she would come out and tell you if you didn't get a hint. Maybe she was just letting you know why DD won't be there. Maybe she's torn or embarrassed as well.

It's nothing - not a problem at all...in fact, it's comforting to know that I am not alone.

Jayne, no, I didn't think she was hinting at anything at the time, if anything fishing for me drop one of her friends home after the party so she wouldn't have so much back and forth driving to do. I've been O&H with her to please ask me when she wants to ask me something, because the mind-reading thing is too hard for me. Just last night driving home, I thought, wow, I really wouldn't want a 50th birthday party the evening my daughter is away. And wondering if she told me Wednesday because she wanted me to offer to change it. I left her a VM last night. It doesn't feel like a big drama thing anymore, though, either way it will be okay.

Is the party ending at 10?

btw, how was your trip?

The trip was great! Santa Fe is beautiful, and my brother and his wife are such a peaceful family, it's contagious And my mom and I had a great time, too, even with an unexpected 6 hour delay in Atlanta. And it showed me we have made huge headway at home with POJA. They did things pretty much the same way when I was gone, instead of coming home to a bunch of behind-my-back things when I got back, the way it used to be. I was a little concerned that they brought Lily's crate into my room when I was gone, because I have allergies, but fortunately they didn't flare up when I got back.

My friend called me back this morning, and she is looking forward to the party this evening. She said her daughter is having a great time on her field trip. So there was no drama at all A good lesson to me to stop assuming that folks aren't sharing their O&H, when they are!

The party won't likely run until 10, but that's okay, she told her friend she's giving a ride to that she's not leaving until closer to 10, so she knows that ahead of time when she makes her choice. She's getting really good with that O&H!

It's weird how we all have our own filters. When I asked if it ended at 10, that was because, out of the dozens of parties we have had, I can't think of a single one that has ever ended before 10! Actually, before midnight!

Cat, you knew my friends better than I did! My friend with the birthday left at 10 and came back, and we hadn't even cut the cake yet! One friend was visiting from out of town, so two others slept over to spend more time with her, and they said they all stayed up until 3:30 am. I went up to bed at 12:30.

I'm glad they had such a good time!