Greetings all......



[/color]Matthew 18:15-18

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But, if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."[color:#990000]

When I was a young girl, 14 or 15, I attended church with my father. It was a non-denominational church and I was a Christian. One Sunday, after the services were over, the pastor got up and thanked everyone for coming that day. He also asked the congregation to stay for a short meeting and that if anyone in attendance was a visitor to leave. We had an important issue at hand to discuss and while they were sorry for the inconvenience, it was something that needed to be addressed promptly.

After the visitors had left and everyone was once again seated, the pastor then read the above verse. He told us that the bible was very clear on how to deal with sin in the church. He stated that someone in the church was involved in an affair. That the wife had found out, confronted him and asked him to end it and repair the marriage.

The man said he would. Later she found out that he was still involved in his affair, and she went to some of his friends and family for help (this included the pastors of the church). Again, she asked him to end it and work on the marriage. Again, he said he would.

After some time had passed, again, she found out he was still involved with the OW.

She immediately went to the pastors of the church and after prayer and guidance through the scriptures, the pastors told her that they needed to go to the congregation with this information. They based their reasoning on the above scripture. She had confronted her husband with his sin, his friends and family confronted him with his sin, and yet he still sinned. According to the above scripture, it was time to tell the church.

The congregation was encouraged to pray for this man and his family. To admonish his sin and to not help him to continue in engaging in his sin.

The man was also told that if he were to CONTINUE in his sin, that he would be asked to leave the church until a time when he gave up his adultress and repent from his sin.

The man came forward, apologized and asked for forgiveness. Told his wife he was sorry for the hurt and pain he had caused her and their family. He begged for forgiveness.

I've always remembered this day. The nature of adultery was somewhat new to me, yet I had never seen it dealt with in this manner (now remember I was a young teenager.....we still wonder why the teens were allowed to remain in the sanctuary that day, but the lesson learned was never forgotten.....). Here was a man behaving UNFAITHFULLY to his wife, his marriage, and the Church was rebuking him.....PUBLICALLY!!!!!! And their reason for doing so is written in the Bible.

To a young teenager, THIS MADE SENSE.......

I always wondered what had happened to that couple. My family moved shortly after that incident and we began attendance at a new church. Every once in awhile, that memory would come to pass and again, I would wonder.....

Once I entered my own ordeal, this memory came more often. I had wanted to tell you all this story, only because I believe it is the CORRECT way for the Church to handle adultery. We have seen too many times on here, churches not handling it well or not handling it at all. Now, you all have a story about how the church SHOULD handle adultery.......and handle it well.

Also, this story is about EXPOSURE. When newbies, come on here, wonder about exposure and if it should be done, it is BIBLICALLY supported!! God knows that sin cannot survive the light of day......

I'm sure by now you all are wondering what happened to that couple after that day, as I was. So I called my dad and asked him......

The man, after being exposed to the congregation, AGAIN, agreed to end the affair. It didn't take long for the wife to find out that it was still on. The man was not invited into the church after that and actually, took the woman into great care. The couple then separated. The affair did eventually end (like they always do....), and the man begged the wife to take him back. She did and they reconcilled......though, I did learn they did end up divorcing years later for reasons unknown.

not2fun

I'm divorced now and have been so for five years. I called the minister of the x ow at her megachurch here and told him what she did...and they said that it's kind of hard to call out one person..did I know their small group leader she was in? Uh..no.
At that point I got no help.

But I wanted them to know that this is not in line with our faith, and at the end of my divorce, I remember calling the local area ministers and telling our story. To get them to NOT enable this marriage or to marry them.

I went to the minister of the church where the x ow went (she met my then H during a CHURCH retreat at Sandestin in FL) and exposed to him..and did nothing. They didn't really do anything except refuse to marry them. And that they did do.

But somebody else did and they kept calling around until somebody did...the JOP.

Not2,

What an inspiring occurence. If only all churches would rely on the Scripture.

SWW

I'm with Not2. They should rely on that and do what's precribed for this situation.

Today imho it's all about "feel good and uplifting". That's fine, but when there's real hurt and pain involving the parishoners in a congregation, the church should recall that God's the great Physician and give out the correct rememdy for that problem.

I DEFINITELY need to forward this on to my MIL.

When DDay occurred, and I got all my facts, the FIRST person I exposed to was MIL. She was beyond upset with me for "humiliating" my H by telling everyone.

She went on and on about how "There is good advice, and then there is good advice."

And that if I exposed his Waywardness, it would be a horrible thing -- because even if I am able to forgive him, everyone that I expose to might not be so willing.

She (and all of my H's family) have been very conducive to his ways and his Waywardness. Because they "just want him to be happy". And, "if he isn't happy with [me], then he has every right to leave the M".

Best part -- since DDay, she has quoted Scripture after Scripture to me, "teaching" me how to deal with infidelity, M issues, grounds for D and everything else, as stated in the Bible.

Funny how she never quoted this to me...

I'll make sure I "enlighten" her..

My xil's are the biggest enablers on the planet. Maybe today they got to see firsthand what endless enabling for years the actions of their son got him. Them. My son went to see his dad today, it was his birthday, behind bars. My son (he's old enough to handle it and I'm having him counselled by a friend who's one and a chaplain) cried and his parents, THE ENABLERS, cried too.

My xil's (ex in laws) for years enabled their son in his infidelity. They never stood up and said "YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS..YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING AND YOUR FAMILY TOO". But no. They looked the other way. They looked the other way when he remarried instantly. They looked the other way when he became a dad 3 months after our divorce. They tried to make ME out to be the "bad guy" for years, even so much as to asking me to just accept things..even at my son's birthday party six months after our divorce, with the new wifey there and her parents and their baby..which was the hardest day ever and pill to swallow.

they wanted ME to accept all of it and I never did. I have told him for years "If you want me to say it was all ok, you'll never get that. I'm over you and this, but WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG AND YOU CAN NEVER MAKE IT RIGHT AGAIN." His parents were too damned cowardly to ever do that.

Look what enabling and not calling out the sinner does? It leads to destruction. In my x's case it led to jail. Oh and yes, over an encounter with another ow. Only fallout I have to deal with now is helping my son get over his dad's situation..

Peachy,

I just read your other Update Thread.

Not that I am hoping to get a D, but reading it reminded me that regardless of which way my M goes, I am not a failure. I can only control MY actions. I cannot stop my H or my parents or my in laws or anyone.

(I can still wish that I could some days though.)

I am so sorry that your son has to deal with that. Honestly, my kids' reactions have been more bothersome to me than my own. But then I remember that whole "you need to put your own oxygen mask on first" speech..

At least your son has a strong mother to look up to for guidance.

Thanks KDew. You do first put the 02 mask on and then on the kiddos. You do all you can do.

What makes me sick is the enabling that seems to go on today. All this darned tolerance...for EVERYTHING...just gets my goat.

And after witnessing the transformation of my xh to the man he became in five short years, I too believe in aliens.

Took my son to see star trek today, so maybe our greeting over here at MB should be "Live long and Prosper--Nanu Nanu".

OK Peach,

Maybe curiosity killed the cat, but...

How did contact with an ex-OW land your exH in jail?

Sorry if that's too personal...

UGH! I know!

I hate this whole "Whatever makes them happy" mentality..

It's like saying, "Well, he felt like a better man after he robbed that little old lady, so it's all right."

Um..not to t/j, but he didn't have a dalliance with an xow. He is remarried to the x ow, but he's been cheating on her since they married..

It was with yet ANOTHER ow..on his boat. He said/she said issue occurred and voila..he's in orange. It's actually imho very sad and we pray for his dad nightly.

One of the only bright spots in my ex's adultery was how the church handled it.

His family, some of our friends, our counselor and even our attorney didn't believe he was having an affair. After I confronted him, I put in a prayer request to our church. The pastor immediately came to see me, and then went to see my ex at his love nest. He told him that he needed to end the adultery and if he didn't, was not welcome in our church anymore.

It felt so good to have our church stand up for me. I will never forget it.

My priest met with us and set up a recovery plan. And he looked directly at WH and said that if he's not on board then to stop putting his family through any further false recoveries and get a divorce.

The priest's main comment was that WH has "lost his focus" and that working on that first needs to take priority over working on the marriage. I agreed since I believe that with priorities of God, then spouse, then family in check, everything else in life falls in place.

The priest wanted WH to think it over before giving him an answer. WH called the priest later in the week and said he was committed to the plan. Priest held meeting between himself, and us and our kids to make sure everyone was on board.

I was familiar with the scripture in the beginning thread and took it to heart. I had tried to deal with the affair "one-on-one" for a while. Then I exposed to family and friends in hope that others would convince him to end it. Then I got the priest involved and a therapist.

Within two weeks, [censored] was right back in with OW. He moved out the day before he was to attend his first bible study. I texted the priest that morning, told him that WH had gone back to OW, that the kids and I felt his "moral compass" was off, but that if he showed up for the bible study, to continue to try to help him find back his lost focus.

WH DID show up for the bible study and the priest's comments for the group were -- surprise, surprise -- compasses. How we have different ones that make up who we are -- financial compass, and family compass, and spiritual compass, and work compass, etc. And if just one of our compasses gets off center, it affects all the rest. How its important to keep our compasses balanced.

So this is like a bad joke -- WH is like Humpty-Dumpty who sat on the wall and had a great fall. Even with the help of a priest, a therapist, his parents, my parents, his siblings, my siblings, our kids, our friends, etc. it's still not enought to put WH back together again.

Only God can do that. And if WH has turned his back on God, then there is nothing more I can do but pray for him.