After 2 1/2 years and 2A's ( one that happen 10 years ago that was revealed a year ago) We have been married now for 20 years. Our 4 sons seem to be doing well. I guess as well as teenagers do. I guess it is relative. I have not posted in well over 18 months. Where my marriage is in the recovery process is sometimes hard to say. The roller coaster continues, albeit with less frequency and intensity. However there is a sense that what was lost remains lost from our marriage.

As if the window of opportunity has come and gone and the marriage is what it is. We spend time together and do our 15 hrs of QT. I do enjoy spending my time with her but I do not feel connected to her. She says that she does not feel connected to me either. It is just not there after 2 years of recovery.

SF has not been good for reasons stemming for the A's. I guess we have the next the next two years to see if we can fix this because the twins will be leaving home then and that may be the breaking point if this remains unresolved. We will continue work on ourselves, communication skills and meeting each others EN's and then take another look. Any suggestions?

soon,

I went back and read your old posts, from 2007 and 2008. Something is definitely not right.

When you said you Plan A'd her, what did that include? Have you identified and met her most important ENs? Shut down all love busting? Has she been willing to spend 15 hours a week with you, talking, enjoying activities together, being affectionate in any way?

Apart from your two older kids, who else did you expose to? I certainly hope you told her parents, siblings, good friends. And your family too. Has anyone close to her let her know she is messing up big time? Has she experienced ANY negative consequences for her affair and her behavior since?

For your part, have you changed the things she complained about before she went AWOL? What complaints DID she have about you pre-affair?

If you can honestly say you have studied and followed the program MB proposes, and it hasn't swayed her, I would think your wife may be irreparably broken. You can lead the horse to water, but...

What would happen if you told her things are simply not working for you, and she should just go off and get a new life? She doesn't seem to want to do that, but without her real cooperation you will be stuck in this place till she has another affair. She certainly behaves as if she'd be "entitled" to. If she's using you for financial security only, she is cake eating, even if there isn't an active affair at the moment. You must cut off whatever one-sided reward is coming from your current arrangement.

I am so sorry you've been living in this awful place for so long. I put up with a lot, but I don't think I could handle what she's put you through...for so long.

((((sooon))))

Right Here Waiting

RTW,
I did plan A her, including changing my unwanted behavior ( still a work in progress, but much better). I know what her top EN's are I try hard to meet them. The LB's are hard but I have gotten better at that also. I exposed to all ours kids, my family and her family and various friends. We do spend 15 hours + per week doing everything from going dancing to playing tennis. We are affectionate with each other and that has gotten better with time.

I have to clarify that my marriage in a lot of ways is better now than it was pre affair.
After having to have to endure an affair(s), I am unwilling to settle for what I previously had or what I was getting from my marriage. This experience has change me and my expectations of marriage. I am not a marriage at all cost guy. If I don't have the marriage that I want when the twins leave home, I too will be leaving. We have two years to work this out and I am willing to do that. I fully understand that I can not change her. I will continue to change myself and follow MB and see where that takes me.

soon,

Glad to hear you exposed fully, and that you've been working on yourself. And that you and W spend time and do things together. Dang. It should be working...

...Yet you can tell she's not fully on board. Doesn't sound like she's hostile, but it sure doesn't sound like SHE'S happy in the marriage either. Maybe, like you, she's not sure WHAT to do at this point.

Would she be willing to talk with Jennifer Harley Chalmers at the MB couseling center? As I understand it, she is the go-to person when recovery needs help, and Steve Harley is the stop-the-affair-and-reach the wayward guru. At $195/hr, it's a LOT cheaper than divorce, and these folks are VERY good at cutting to the chase and giving specific, practical steps to take. If she won't cooperate, there's no reason you can't have a couple of sessions yourself. They will help you figure things out.

What have you got to lose that you aren't already primed to lose if nothing changes before the twins leave?

RHW