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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 1
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 1
Im not going to say to you all now that I was a perfect husband. If I was I wouldn’t be here asking for advice. For the 13 years I have been married to my wife we have had our problems. And I will be honest and say that I was the cause of all the problems. We don’t have massive arguments where we yell at one another. We’d have disagreements and we’d be quiet with one another for a day but that was it. My wife and I have been together 22 years. We both meet as young teenagers. Together we have build family homes and bought 3 beautiful children into this world.

In the last few years things have gone really bad for us both in regards to our marriage. For the last 5 months I have been separated from my family due to my stupid behaviour. In recent years I have given my wife reason to feel insecure about our relationship and towards me. A few years ago I had an emotional affair with a lady from work. It wasn’t sexual but as I learnt it didn’t matter. It was the lies and the deception that I caused that made the whole thing wrong. When my wife found out about this I moved away from my family and thankfully my wife and I worked through it together. As a condition of us reconciling I had to leave my work place. This didn’t happen as the 3rd person assured me she was leaving and moving away. Admittedly it took 10mths for her to leave and while we were still working in the same company things were hard for me at home. Which I fully understand. I did try hard to wear all the pain I was putting my wife through. The day she left a massive weight had been lifted off our shoulders and things seemed positive at home.

The cause of my recent separation with my wife is I went out with mates and I was seen acting inappropriately with a lady in a bar. I didn’t know this lady before hand. She was in the same party of people I was with. Im not going to deny any of this however I can’t really remember the details of the night. I am 36 years old and the way I acted, drank and behaved you think I was 18 again. But at the same time 18 years olds possibly behave better. My wife has bent over backwards for our relationship. For the last 5 years things have been so hard for her and for her to find out I was not behaving as a married man was enough for her to say no more. I don’t blame her. For a long time I’ve treated her with contempt and for me to do so was wrong. At times I’ve lied to her. I’d only do so because I for one thought I was protecting her. Or I thought she’d not understand and we’d argue about it. So by lying id save arguments. Totally wrong I understand.
For the past 5 months I have tried to give my wife space and time. I learnt and understand about healing and dealing with problems. I purchased 3 books. Surviving An Affair, 5 Steps To Romantic Love & His Needs Her Needs. Personally these books have helped me understand my behavior and I have learnt about Love Banks. I have spent 3 months with a psychologist talking about problems that affected me and why I sought attention from females. Im currently not seeing the psychologist as I really believe I have the answers now and I’m ready to be a husband again. Im not perfect and to my wife’s credit she never asked me to be. As a husband I am ready to make sacrifices for my family. Im willing to do whatever it takes to show my wife I love her. I have stopped anything that might give her reason to be concerned. Im looking for new employment and have emailed my CV to a host of potential employers. I have worked in my current employment for 16 years and I’m a manager here. But recently the lady with whom I had worked with and had problems with returned. So without a hesitation I’m moving on and I’m more than happy too. I know it looks as though I’m selfish and I don’t deserve my wife at all. But I really do believe that I have changed as a man and I miss and love my wife very much. Id give anything for her to see Im a different man today and that I believe I have all the ingredients now to continue our marriage and to never ever cause her grief again.

As a parent I had to learn and I believe I learnt to become an excellent dad. As a husband I’ve had to learn again what it takes to make a wonderful partnership. I always believed id be with my wife for the rest of my life. And I still do. Today I understand the words devotion and I can appreciate what commitment means. Yes I was very foolish and extremely selfish. And yes I except that my marriage may be finished because of it. But I also believe I have learnt and my time away has reassured me that I want to fight for my wife’s love. I want to make this up to my family and I want to show my wife I love her and I'm sorry. I won’t give up trying to learn, and I won’t give up on us.

Am I on the right track. Can I help my wife recover and to one day help us both save our marriage and family.

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
No way to answer your questions, really, WCL...

one way you'll certainly sabotage yourself is in only stating wants instead of defining actions...

what's your plan?

When you act self-destructively, you harm others. Are you going to change those choices, too?

Act from love today, from respect...do not own all of the issues...that's as much fantasy as blame-shifting them to her...

you are only and completely half of every relationship you have on this earth...no more and not a whit less. Get to understand which you act from...your choice to love or fear...learn to listen, separate what is yours from what isn't...and understand how the past is unchangeable, the future is unknowable...except for the boundaries you make and keep...

in the present.

You may well have lost your marriage...you knew it was a boundary enforcement if you crossed that marital boundary again...and you did.

Don't suppose what it looks like to others...that's more fantasy. You want reality the most right now...to see where you distort to justify, resent and entitle...which makes sure you're right and a failure, simultaneously.

You are neither. You're you. Understand the difference between your choices and yourself, 'k? You are loved.

Your choices are not.

They hurt as well as heal. Choose well. You can do this. Do not go quietly into that good marital night...keep making those great choices...

and make one more...is the EA partner married? Be honest and inform her BF or BH about the A, 'k? That's if you didn't before.

Write out your amends...where you acknowledge to your wife and self what you did and didn't do that harmed our marriage, harmed her...what your thinking was and why you won't do it again...

maybe it will take not going to bars without her...

maybe it will take not going to work events without her...

maybe it will take you knowing your weakness (in counseling) and putting in place the extraordinary precautions necessary, not caring what other people think, only what you know of yourself, and the love of yourself being worthy enough to protect what you value most...

the marriage...

even when you don't feel like valuing/honoring yourself or your partner...

you do so, anyway.


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