I've been posting on GQII boards since December...learning, working on marriage, busting my tail. DDay#3 lead to D-papers on Friday, May 8th.

Ring off my finger for first time in almost 18 years. Love her soo much. Like an addiction.

I'm sure I'm goin to be posting a lot here, dealing wih this divorce. Help appreciated...

Hang in there - time will heal you. You will have some tough times ahead. In takes two to mess up a marriage and it takes two to put one back together. I'm sorry your wife hasn't found it in her to step up and repair her marriage.

My xh's response was "why is this marriage so important to fix?". Never even considered doing the work...ugh.

I was in your shoes -here's my advice. Take your time - don't rush into any settlement. Get good advice and read some books on divorce and settlements - it's the taxes that will kill you.

Take care of yourself and your children.

Well, I understand my not meeting key emotional needs...but multiple DDays wih multiple OMs...and repeated lies of omission and flat out lying to my face.

And working my [censored] off for FIVE months on mb.com issues of my marriage.

Sorry to be cras, but didnt' take two to mess up this marriage. Serial cheater / liar...nuff said.

Not going to rush in to any settlement. I left University job (was two steps down from Univ. president) to be stay-at-home-dad (4yrs). Wife a doctor. Multiple affairs, lots of lying. And she's talked about "hurting herself" (I've got it on tape and texts...)

I think I'm in cat seat.

this just hurts right now. Hurts bad...

Sorry for the current hurt. Time and perspective will heal. You'll realize what is obvious to everyone on the outside; that a serial liar and cheater is a bad match for anyone. You're better off.

I figure you probably do realize now. Eventually you'll really be convinced of it. Think of it this way... You'll never have to go through another D-Day with her again.

It takes two to mess up a marriage by LBing and not meeting ENs. LG, you've owned up to your part. Her decision to go seek an affair partner(s) had nothing to do with your failing to meet her ENs.

I agree with hopefulcis. It takes two to mess it up and it takes two to put it back together. In your case, LG--you were doing all the heavy lifting and all you got was a sore back.

I disagree...I did everything humanly possible to be the best wife I could but I married a Narcissist Sociopath and there is nothing you can do in that situation but get out. This man was not interested in having a marriage or being a husband, just using me and abusing me...sometimes it takes two to make a marriage and only one to break it...

I got a question for you all. I'm four days past Divorce-Paper-Delivery-Day and I still have huge feelings for my STBxWW. She's been my sole focus for 5 months. I love her dearly but force myself to stay away from her and try to ignore her when I do have to be around. I'm trying to drain my lovebank.

She's my first and ONLY intimate partner...close to twenty years. I've thougth about hooking up on a meaningless ONS to help break the lovebank for her. But my moral compass is saying that ain't right (look at me, holding strong until the bitter end...) And I don't want to screw up the divorce advantages I have at this point.

Throw me some feedback here. Remember, I'm not going to be signing up for eharmony.com or anything like that any time soon...LG

Did you really expect anything different? 20 years is a long time... Pardon the nautical terminology but it's going to take time for the boat to right itself and for you to feel like you're on even keel. Conventional wisdom measures that time in years my friend, not days.

FYI, the ONS thing is not a good idea for you right now. One, you're not right in the head. You know it's true. Second, you're not divorced yet. A ONS will make you a cheater, despite your future intentions (which could change, you never know). Don't give up the moral high ground by stooping to her level. I know you already know this but I'm tossing a reminder your way since you mentioned it.

I know it sounds cliche but one day at a time. I know right now it all seems about her but be selfish for once, do some things for YOU. It's all about LG now, it's time to meet your needs. Hang out with the kids, go out with friends, find a new hobby; something different, ya know? You got this - it's tough but you can handle it.

T

Oh and by not right in the head, I mean concerning your spouse particularly and women in general due to your circumstances (divorce, her affairs, etc). I'm sure you're entirely sane otherwise!

Apologies!

T

Darn you TCCguard! You are entirely right about ONSing, not in my right mind...etc.

Hers' a funny one...I always felt guilty for checking out internet porn. And after DDay#2 I confessed to my wife that I checked out skank.com...and sometimes even flew solo while doing so. I wanted to be completely honest with her. AND I said I would give it up. And I did, cold turkey! Sad that she was hanging with OM#3 (or 4, or 5) all that time.

STrange that since DDay#3 my little soldier hasn't even been remotely interested in that stuff. Ug. I probably couldn't get him to stand attention for an ONS...

Thanks again! LG

LG,stress has a way of wiping out the libido. After Mike died, I had none for a long while. It's back now, and there was a time when I could have gone out and had an ONS to fill the void. Or just to feel anything.

Luckily, I know ONS aren't a good thing. They probably won't be a good thing for you either, ever. Probably, an ONS will leave you feeling dirty and corrupted. Sex is obviously something sacred to you.

Are you in Plan B? Plan B doesn't have to end just because you move to divorce. Plan B will help you get over her faster than anything else since she won't be able to make any deposits at all into your love bank.

And give yourself time to mourn the loss of the marriage you wanted to have.

Thanks Green. Can't Plan B becasue we've got an ex parte going...meaning locks are changed and she can't be with kiddos unless I'm in house. So I have to be around her.

I'm trying to mimimize my contact with her as much as possible.

I'm trying to let the emotions out. Spent probably 8 hours with her on Monday, and she started to suck me back in / make deposits -- this morning read her puky texts to POS-OM over and over again to get that feeling out of my system.

This afternoon I'm back at grief for my lost marriage. Rollercoaster....up, down, up, down...

Hey, LG. It is a rollercoaster. FWIW, I think there's weird energy going on this week. My currrent situation is different from yours, but boy, did life take a dip starting Sunday afternoon.

Hi LawfulGood

I am 9 months into the divorce process and really understand how you are feeling. My H was a lier, addict, abusive, and had mental issues too. I gave so many chances but after 8 years I could not take it anymore. What you are feeling right now is natural and you will feel the ups and downs of the divorce over the months to come. H is off living his new care free life and not giving me a dime of child support. While I struggle each and everyday to get the bills paid and to provide for my children. It helps me to realize the pain I feel, that love, is the mourning I am doing over the person I thought my H was, not the person he trully was or could ever be. As the months pass you will grow stronger and once you can distance yourself from all those feelings you have for her, you will then gain new perspective. I know I almost suffer from flashbacks now. Conversations or events that happened with my H that I couldn't see clearly at the time because I was caught up in the relationship. Now I view it in a different light and see things so differently. I went through a stage of anger at myself. I was angry that I put up with the crap I did and angry that I didn't get out sooner. Let yourself feel the emotions and then brush yourself off and move on. You have children that need you to be strong as I do.
Hang in there. Things will get easier not quickly, but little by little.

There was a full moon on Saturday, May 9th at 4 hrs, 1 minute Universal Time.

Any good divorce books out there you might recommend?

And what are ways to keep the costs down when working with my attorney?

Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.

both parties being fair and reasonable will help keep costs down since there will be less back and forth. If either want to destroy or hurt the other your in for a long and expensive and painful fight.

both parties being fair and reasonable will help keep costs down since there will be less back and forth. If either want to destroy or hurt the other your in for a long and expensive and painful fight.

We talked a little today. She said wants to have joint legal decision making power of the kids with me (not sure the legal mumbo-jumbo here...)

STBxWW said the kids would stay with me in the house, she would find apt / house. Wants to have visitation rights worked out between two of us.

Sounded sincere. Doesn't want lawyers to get all our $$$. I agree, but I'm having a hard time trusting her.

Will have to wait and see. I'd like her out of the house asap. Hard having her here. I feel her sucking me back in. Not good.

But every day her power over me dimishes. Every day I grow stronger and stronger.